Going Out In Public

I have found myself very reluctant to go out in public in the past week or so. I've thought about this in the last day or so and I think I know why.

The neurosurgeon shaved my head last week - to even out my hair - so I'm back to wearing hats.

I also wear a compression sleeve on my left arm.

Then, there's unicorn boob (chest tumor) that sticks out about 1 to 1.5 inches near the center of my chest - it sticks out father than the TRAM flap.

And, then, there's the diarrhea that seems worse in the morning. As I type, my fingers are a bit shaky.

Finally, I have been preoccupied since Friday about skin mets - I think that the areas that aren't healing have cancer cells in them preventing growth. So, I've been doing a little research trying to figure out what I can do post WBR (whole brain radiation) to get that under control as I want the wounds to heal.

I am really sick and tired of wounds. I have two of them right now.

For some reason, the compression wrap seems to bring the most questions from strangers. With my friends and colleagues, I just have to say, "I'm wearing this so that I can decrease the lyphedema". But with strangers, it invites more questions about why I have lymphedema. On Friday, the clerk at Freddies then went on to tell about her cancer scare and how she's got to go in for a biopsy soon - it wasn't breast, but another organ. I don't want to talk about or comfort someone else right now. I'm too preoccupied about what's going to have to happen next.

My dad has told me twice not to worry too much into the future - just get through this week's surgery and the WBR beginning next week. But I sorta feel like I need to look up options so I can bring them to Dr. K on Wednesday. I want to be prepared for the next leg.

I am so preoccupied that I haven't felt like working on mosaics or the blogger analysis. I am also worried about getting another infection on the chest tumor site after surgery - I am to shower with Hibiclens Wed evening and Thurs morning, but I can't shower because of the wound in my armpit. So, I need to talk to a nurse about how to adequately clean (because while I showered the night before the April 1 surgery - or that morning, I only did it once and I don't recall really using that stuff very much, so I'm afraid that's why I ended up with such a huge infection afterwards). The chest tumor also bleeds when I change the dressing, so I'm worried about needing a transfusion.

So, I guess I'm full of anxiety and worry. I will call the surgeon today about making sure they are prepared for a transfusion. I will call the admitting nurse about showering with Hibiclens. I need to call Disability and see what is going on with my claim, I need to change an appointment and preregister for the surgery.

Once I make all these phone calls, I hope I can settle down and do something more positive and productive.

Oh, one thing I found about the skin mets - I will probably have to do a taxane. I found a bulletin board where someone posted a Japanese study that included a drug that I've not heard of but is an estrogen blocker with paclitaxel. I think there were only four treatments of the latter and 120 days of pills with the former (called toremedine, I think), but in the case they treated, the skin mets disappeared and stayed away from the woman for two years as of the writing of the article.

Writing about it all helps. I don't mind visitors coming to visit me at home. I just don't feel like going out in public and talking to complete strangers about what's going on with me. Maybe once unicorn boob is removed, I'll feel more up to doing something outside the home.