Much Better This Morning

Even though I was tired last night, I couldn't get to sleep, so I finally got up and did a qigong form called "Great White Crane". It's to help your lung meridians but some of the movements mimic a crane taking a bath in the water or just walking through the water in joy.

Also, one of my blogging friends, Jeanne, said that she wishes she could help lighten my load somehow in one of her comments to my post about the wound. When I woke up at 4am, I remembered that comment and also a breathing exercise given to me back in 2002, the first time I went through treatments.

The trick is to breathe in strength and energy and breathe out the bad stuff. Bad emotions, etc.

So I did that at 4am for a few minutes. I imagined bringing in strength and energy with my in-breath and breathing weakness and pain out with my out-breathe.

And, ya know what? I feel better this morning. Better able to meet the challenges of the day. Better able to work and teach my first class.

That feels a whole lot better than the last few days. Thanks for jogging my memory on that one, Jeanne!

RIP Daria

I found out this morning that one of my fellow bloggers, Daria Maluta, who also had metastatic breast cancer, died early this morning. She reached out to many people and had many people following her blog and lots of friends on Facebook. She will be missed. She was participating in a clinical trial and while it seemed effective on her liver mets, it may have been too much for her body.

Daria blogged at Living with Cancer. Please send her family our thoughts and prayers.

I am saddened . . . And tired - earlier I was mad at the nurse

I didn't sleep well at all last night - too much caffeine I think - and then had to go without eating for my CT scan this morning. So I was not in a good mood at all. I ran into work to do some accounting stuff, then went to the scan.

I got mad at the IV nurse because she couldn't get blood return using the port in my arm - and yet the nurses at the Infusion Center haven't really had problems - so she stuck me twice in the port but rather than be gentle, she just jammed it in. Then she try to get blood by pressing hard on the port - ouch - like three times. She gave up and then decided to put in an IV on my other arm, right on the bone. Ouch again!

She was brusque, didn't apologize for her roughness, and then left.

I lay there crying in anger - and I had to be still for the CT scan - because I was just so tired to do much else. I got through the scan - it went fairly quickly when all was said and done. By that time, I had gathered myself and then told the tech I thought she was unnecessarily rough. But I said it calmly and didn't blame him. He apologized for her. Next time, I may get the IV started at the Infusion Center, where the nurses are compassionate and friendly and I know them. Then walk ocher to CT with everything ready to go.

Then, in catching up on other blogs and read about Daria, at Life With Cancer. She lives in Edmonton. Just last week, she was feeling melancholy because she felt like she was deteriorating. Unfortunately, it looks like she was right - her husband posted for her, said she wasn't able to post herself, and she was going to Hospice.

Damn cancer. Please send good thoughts and prayers to her and her husband. She has been fighting this for a long time, was always friendly, sweet, and supportive. She will be missed.

Joanna says, "Today's Song brought to you fro the Letter H"

One of my blogging buddies posted this parody song. Love it!

Joanna's Parody Song

I couldn't have said it better myself . . .

Please read Jill's post in which she details how little money is donated, in some cases, to breast cancer organizations as a result of pink ribbon marketing.

Pinktober

Hate Hearing This Kind of News

Cancer took another one from us last Friday.  I started reading Chris's blog about a year ago, I think.  She will be missed . . .

Christine Lynds, The Edge of Light

Heather, yours and your friends' Mammogram video will hopefully help!

"You Look Great!"

Since this has happened to me, I wanted to share this link to a post entitled "Cancer made me beautiful" by Ann in Sacramento.

Several times a week, people say to me, "you look great!" or "You're looking good!". And, I thank them but I do wonder things like, "What? Do you expect me to be at death's door?" And, sometimes, "Well, maybe I look great but I'm tired as all-get-out. And, the swollen lymph nodes under my left armpit (or the lymphedema or healing fractured ribs on the right side) are painful."

It always surprises me because while I try to cultivate happiness by being mindful and aware of each moment, I'm not always happy (my family can attest to this). I worry about finances and I worry about whether or not I can do my job (expending energy teaching is a case in point).

I imagine it's hard for people to figure out exactly what to say to me - this was something my therapist and I talked about last week. There are times when I want people to treat me normally - and I expect myself to try to live life as "normally" as possible. I want to be normal. I don't want to admit that I have limitations to my activities because of cancer. That pisses me off.

On the other hand, I have to be realistic and so I have to communicate to my volleyball teammates that I don't think I can play at the moment - and I feel like I have to make a case to prove to them why I can't. I have to ask my chair to give me sick leave so that I won't have the weekly energy drain that teaching brings - and again, I have to "prove" that I'm "sick enough" or "tired enough" to justify taking the sick leave.

I imagine sometimes that my friends and colleagues don't know what to do because my asking for sick leave (or whatever) runs counter to the way I look and to the way I want to be treated because I want to be normal. So, then I get pissed because I don't think people believe me because I "look great" - if I "look great", I must be a charlatan to want sick leave. So, while I look and act normal most days, I really do need these special concessions and I don't want people to second-guess me.

To get back to Ann's post, she says that she likes it when people tell her she's beautiful. I guess I do, too. It means that my efforts to live life in the moment and to cultivate happiness are working. But I really do need to take some sick leave (not all the time, but after treatments) and take care of myself. I'm not sure that that helps people with the dilemma of how to interact with me . . . but maybe this helps people understand me more.

Lists

One of the blogs I read is written by Laurie at Not Just About Cancer. Today, she posted about creating her list of things to do, "lists are good", for the month of February, based upon a group called "List Lovers Unite" on BlogHer.

I use lists a lot, especially at work. This past fall, I went from using one notepad with a list of things to do - with sublists for each project - to five notepads with a list on it. This way, I could kinda keep track of what was going on with my various different projects. Anyway, here's my list:

1. Interview 3 or 4 more Yup'ik/Inupiaq elders for the Alaska Statehood project.
2. Do research on breast cancer blogs - I'm trying to compile a list of the major complaints or problems breast cancer patients face which can be passed on to care providers.
3. Submit a workshop proposal for an indigenous project I'm working on with some other indigenous scholars.
4. Find and draft a grant proposal to buy me out of classes next year.
5. Submit a conference proposal to bring students to the International Conference on Indigenous Place Names.
6. Finish my mosaic.
7. Shred old financial documents.
8. Organize storage closet.
9. Help Eddie create his Valentine's Day Box. I think we're shooting to make a Mario-kart look-alike.
10. Meditate and practice qigong 4-5 times per week.

The good news is that I finally feel as if I have better focus at work. Like I said a couple of weeks ago, it's not that I don't like my job. It's that there are other things I wish to spend my time on. I think I'm finally figuring out how I can incorporate my interests into my work . . . still working on some ideas, but I've had a couple of good conversations with friends this week that are fleshing it out.

Got to Love Liz! "We have a life to live and it doesn't involve giving in to cancer"

One of my fellow cancer bloggers, Liz at Literally Liz, said "We have a life to life and it doesn't involve giving in to cancer. Just all there is to it" in response to a comment I made on her first 2010 post.

Like, I said, you got to love Liz!

Today, I was going to accompany a friend to REI in Eugene to exchange something, but she decided she didn't need it, so ... we drove to the coast instead!

We drove to Newport, then north to Lincoln City, had lunch, hit the Outlet Mall, then an antique store, and then took the long way home. All in all, a good day. I hadn't been to the coast in a long time and it was fun. Unfortunately, it was high tide, so we couldn't really get out to walk at the beach we were at, but it was enough to feel the wind, smell the coast, and hear the waves.

Man, I really love the coast. I really love it.

Thanks, B., for suggesting the coast jaunt and thanks for the great company.

Turmeric/Curcumin Kills Cancer Cells - BBC News

A friend on Facebook posted this link:

"Curry spice kills cancer cells"

I posted some information that I found out about it here. One of my fellow bloggers posted a comment with a link that MD Anderson Cancer Center found that it slowed melanoma growth. I've been taking turmeric for about 18 months now. I think it helps!

Tired Today . . . A Rousing Match of Super Mario Kart Helps, though!

I didn't sleep well last night - not sure what was up. I woke up every 1.5 to 2 hours. The previous few nights, I had a half dose of Nyquil before bed because of my nasal congestion and I swear I slept 4-5 hours straight on that stuff. I didn't take it last night because my cold is better.

The day went fairly well - had a nice chat on the phone with an old friend, prepared for class, had a good class, made travel arrangements for Alaska (two weeks away already) for a research trip, then Eddie and I saw "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" and then dinner with my folks - but I've felt tired most of the day. Maybe even a bit moody. Probably because of not sleeping well the night before and also probably because of the news of the tumor markers.

Dad told me at dinner that I had five comments after my post on the tumor markers. So, after dinner, I read them and I cried a little bit. I am really thankful for all of your supportive comments, and for sending your healing and positive thoughts from all over the world. You know, if thoughts and prayers and all have anything at all to do with my healing - and I believe that they do - this cancer doesn't stand a chance. In fact, I think that I'm doing as well as I am precisely because of what you all are doing for me. I do know that it could be worse. Anyway, that's what I choose to believe most of the time - cancer is not going to kill me. I'm going to be around for a good long time. I just need to spend more of my time and energy healing on a daily basis. I really want to learn how to meditate better.

Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart! Have a wonderful evening! And, oh yeah, wish me luck playing volleyball tonight! If we have enough players, though, I'm coming home. Too tired!

P.S. Two hours later: Eddie and I played two Grand Prix's on wii's Super Mario Kart! I won the first one by two points and he won the second one by two points! Woo hoo! That's the first time I beat him at Mario Kart! Yippee! If that doesn't help with fatigue, I don't know what does! My team, unfortunately, lost our match tonight, but it was a close one - 22-20 and 21-18. I started coughing a lot so I stopped after the second game. So, I feel better. Tired still but good!

MisAnthropology's pics from the Bachelorette Party

As I mentioned earlier, I went to a Bachelorette Party for MisAnthropology the other night. Well, she posted pictures from her "swanky soiree". Check them out here! It was great fun!

Bachelorette Party!

Yesterday afternoon, I went to a bachelorette party for MisAnthropology, who writes a blog about the "Wedding Industrial Complex". MisAnthropology is also an anthropologist and a colleague of mine. Her good friend, Ms. K., organized the festivities.

We met for a drink at the Tear Drop Lounge in the Pearl District in Portland - I had a very good drink called the Rosy Dawn.

Then, we went to the Daily Cafe also in the Pearl District. I had the wild Alaskan snapper. Delicious!

Ms. K paid for our pedicabs down to Darcelle's IX for a drag show. MisAnthropology got all dolled up, complete with four-inch heels; Ms. K wore sequins; I wore a skirt with my Chacos, although I also wore make-up, too, in honor of the event. MisAnthropology looked great in a purple dress.

It was fun! I enjoy Darcelle's very much - the place has fun memories for me. The first time, I went to the show with some of my softball/v-ball friends and afterwards, they went on my first date with Scott - Scott met the whole lot of us at a bar in downtown Portland. My friend, Josh, said beforehand, "If I don't like him, I'll kick him in the arse." After meeting him, Josh said, "He's okay. I like him. Have fun." It's nice to have your friends looking out for you afterwards.

The second time, a group of my card-playing/v-ball/softball buddies went for my 43rd birthday, almost two years ago. We met for drinks and dinner beforehand, went to the show, and then dancing. I hadn't raised hell like that in a long time! (Note to self - it's about time a bunch of us did something like that again.) That was the best Darcelle's show that I've seen.

Last night was funny, too, though, and I enjoyed watching MisAnthropology's reaction to it. The pedicabs were a great idea and our rider/driver guy was a fun young man.

Back to reality today, though. I have to grade papers . . . but then I am done teaching until mid-September! Yippee!

Thanks to Fellow Bloggers

I just want to thank all of my fellow bloggers, especially those who commented on my last post, for sending me support, prayers, and visualizations. You don't know how much it means to me to have your support.

My appreciation goes to Daria, Carver, Teri, Liz, and Doug! Thank you everyone!

I know there's a lot of you lurking out there who never comment on the blog, but who send me prayers, support, and love. I know you're out there because you send me emails or you say "I know - I read it in your blog". Because of that, I know I have your encouragement, too.

Thank you to all of you, too!

I feel very fortunate to have your support. A new friend of mine noticed that I seem to have a lot of people rooting for me. She said, "you must have a lot of things you still need to do because you have a lot of support" - her implication was that that I was getting all of that support in order to stay alive - and that encouragement was perhaps even healing me and that it was needed because I do have a lot of things I need to accomplish, both personally and professionally.

Two of my friends are going through some very trying times. Please keep them in your thoughts, too! Thank you everyone!

What a difference a year makes!

One of the blogs I read, Laurie at Not Just About Cancer, had a post last week about the passing of Sara, at Moving Right Along. Her partner wrote about her passing yesterday on her blog. There were a lot of other bloggers who posted about her and how sorry they are for her death. She had had cancer for many years, I believe, and it was the cancer that prompted the doctors to amputate her right leg several years ago. I don't know the whole story. She also posted about disablism. I've linked to her blog before; what I appreciated the most about what she had to say was how important it is to live a normal life even with a terminal or life-threatening disease, and to find joy and happiness even though all this other health-related crap is occurring. I remembered Sara this past week-end, as I trimmed my lilac bush, because I remembered that she was looking forward to lilacs blooming in the Boston area last spring. Last spring, I posted a picture of my blooming lilac for Sara and she commented and said, "thanks!".

So, today, as I searched for that post from last year, I skimmed through my entries from that time.

Boy, what a difference a year makes! I was facing the prospect of doing radiation again, dealing with side effects from Xeloda and Tykerb, and yet also trying to model the outlook Sara and Laurie and Carver have about enjoying life as much as possible and learning to appreciate what you have instead of always bemoaning what you've lost. A few weeks after the blooming of the lilacs, I entered into a depression that I struggled against and with the help and the support of a lot of my readers and my colleagues, I got through it.

And, now a year later, my tumor markers have been well within the normal range for months. My sleep is improving, slowly, Scott and I are back together, work is busy but very satisfying, and I am looking forward to another trip to Norway in a few weeks, my family and I will be in Seaside enjoying the Oregon coast this week-end, and I have the support of many friends and family and colleagues, still. I'm happy. Life is full and mostly fun. My son is doing well. I don't really have any complaints (well, except against these silly bureaucratic duties that come with my job, and, obviously for the fact that I've had to deal with cancer). But, life is good.

Also, Scott received the news on Saturday evening that a long-time family friend (the father of a bunch of boys he grew up with) died the night before (April 3). I only met Orville once, at a party for his son's 50th birthday two years ago. He and I sat talking for a good long time; he just had interests in a lot of different things, particularly archaeology and anthropology. I think he was an engineer and he and his sons worked on cars a lot. He had a lot of hobbies and seemed to enjoy life and to enjoy learning. He was full of life, I guess. Scott was shocked at his passing and then felt bad that he's been so wrapped up with things happening with his daughter and getting laid off from his job in January that he hadn't seen him in awhile. Orville Sayre died of cancer, too, that he'd been struggling against for the last year or so.

Rest in peace, Sara. Rest in peace, Orville. God (or whatever power you believe in) knows that you both deserve it.

Yippee Skippy! Woo hoo! Congrats, Liz!

I just caught up on some of my fellow bloggers and one of them, Literally Liz, just reported that her CA15-3 numbers have fallen from a high of 218 to 92! She found out in the late summer that the cancer had spread to the bones in her brain and also a new spot on her liver, I think (shoot - I've forgotten again and she specifically wrote a comment to remind me. Sorry, Liz!). She's been on Ixempra - has had three treatments, I think, and just got your blood work results.

So cool to hear that! Love those kinds of stories. They are the kinds of stories that must be celebrated and congratulated! Go, Liz! Kick cancer's butt, will ya?

Posting New Blog Links

I posted some more blog links - three are from former students, one is from a colleague, one is from my former nephew, and one from someone who lost his wife to cancer.

The three from former students are The Osborne-Goweys, The Hedges in Tucson, and the Lewis Twins. Cat O-G, Jamie H, and Robin L., were all former grad students of mine - they now are out in the world with children of their own. Cute kids!

Mary at Set 'Em Up, Me Darlin', is blogging about her upcoming nuptials and her humorous take on the wedding industry.

Jason is my son's first cousin on his dad's side - he and his wife Erica just had a baby in September. Jason's mom and I stay in touch and sent me their blog.

Doug's wife, Jane, lost her battle to cancer last June and while I've never met him, I like to keep up and see how he's doing.

They are all part of my world . . . just wanted to brag about them!

Giving Thanks

A year ago, I was still recovering from the surgery - still feeling nauseous from the anesthesia and the morphine. This year, I have baked the pumpkin pies for tomorrow, and I have the appetizers and the pies (my part in the potluck) all ready to go. I'm looking forward to having a good meal. I really didn't eat much last year because my tummy still felt funny.

So, I have a lot to be thankful for, including you out there who are thinking about me, sending good energy, thoughts, and prayers. Thank you so much for that.

I've also been thinking about those who are less fortunate, of which there are many, but particularly of those women that I've gotten to know through their blogs. I know of three who have had relapses or recurrences of their disease. They are;

Liz at Literally Liz - she's going through what she calls "Round Seven of the GCB (Great Cancer Battle)". After undergoing radiation early this fall to her brain stem, she found out that there was a new spot on her liver and a couple of spots in her brain. (I think it was liver - it might've been lung.) She seems to be doing fairly well, but I can't image having fought 7 recurrences of breast cancer.

Jeanne, at The Assertive Cancer Patient, has also had a recurrence in her bones and maybe a new spot in her lungs. She and I had a falling out last summer and while we no longer correspond, I have been following her blog and feel very badly at this news. I still need to email her, but have been afraid to do so. The time is now, though, so I will email her and let her know how sorry I was to hear her news.

And, finally, Debbie, at www.debutaunt.com, is back in the hospital for a relapse of her leukemia. Two years ago, she had a bone marrow transplant, courtesy of her brother. Since the winter/spring, really for months, Debbie has been dealing with really bad pain, probably a form of graft vs. host disease. She went to her doctors repeatedly because of the pain, the feeling bad, the fatigue, etc., but no one really found anything. She has to undergo really aggressive chemo and has to stay in the hospital - I don't really know all the ins and outs of it, but it sounds awful. She is doing her best to stay positive, but it's hard because she's not allowed to see her daughter, Zoe. And, to top it off, her COBRA coverage ran out and because of some technicality, her Medicare (or Medicaid? coverage) has not yet kicked in. She's been avoiding going to the doctor this past month because she was uninsured. She does have what she calls the "debu-fund" and if at all possible, please remember her if you have a little bit extra. Send her strength, good energy, and prayers.

If you are healthy and comfortable, please remember all of those who aren't. And, give thanks for what you do have. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I've been tagged

So, Laurie at Not Just About Cancer, has just tagged me for these meme. I've seen other bloggers get tagged, but this is a first for me! And, I just found out what a "meme" is, too, although I'd read about them. According to Wikipedia, "A meme (pronounced /miːm/) consists of any idea or behavior that can pass from one person to another by learning or imitation. Examples include thoughts, ideas, theories, gestures, practices, fashions, habits, songs, and dances. Memes propagate themselves and can move through the cultural sociosphere in a manner similar to the contagious behavior of a virus." And, also according to Wikipedia, the term Internet meme is a neologism used to describe a catchphrase or concept that spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet.

Here's the rules for this tag:

1. Post the rules on your blog.

2. Write 7 random things about yourself.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post.

4. Pass on the tag.

I've finished packing for my trip to Alaska - whew! - and am trying to wind down to go to bed early tonight. I'm tired, but excited to be going. Okay, here's my seven random things about myself:

1. I like cats much much than I like dogs.

2. In the fall, winter, and spring, I like to drink a soy chai tea in the morning.

3. My late Grandpa Kingston called me "Dede Bum". Mom still calls me "Bum" to this day.

4. Both of my brothers have longer hair than I do.

5. I get motion sickness easily and can no longer go on rides that spin.

6. This week, my department chair (jokingly) gave me an award for having the "7th highest number of preps" (i.e., the number of lasses I've developed) in the department. That's out of 9 people.

7. I cannot carry a tune - my son tells me to stop singing if I do sing along to a song.

I tag Misanthropology, Carver, The Cheeky Librarian, Jeanne at Rock the Bald, Liz at Literally Liz, Doug and Theresa at Type-Cast.

Have a great week-end! I may get a chance to post after I arrive in Anchorage - but maybe not until Sunday. Mom said that Aunt Becky said that all the snow has melted in Anchorage. It'll still be chilly, though!

Update on Liz

Hi all,
I heard from Liz today. She's doing okay, but the scans found a 2cm tumor on her liver and she will probably have to have surgery to remove it. She is also looking at more chemo for new spots in her bones. Her tumor marker jumped from 90-something to 160-something in just a couple of months. She's having trouble logging into her blog and her tech is also having problems, too. I suspect that she'll be back at it after it's fixed. In the meantime, continue sending out good thoughts for her . . . she was the one person who contacted me to tell me what kind of side effects she has from taking Xeloda and Tykerb. She's also going on her seventh(?) recurrence of breast cancer. I think she's been battling this disease for almost 13 years?, something like that. Think of her when you see those pink ribbons. Liz is kinda like a mentor for me - she's got a take-no-prisoners approach and the spirit and energy that makes you wish that this disease can be knocked out of her body for good. Thanks, everyone!

P.S. I'm doing well, if WAY too damn busy at work. My mind is going a million miles an hour after two conversations on two completely different but new projects and a lecture I attended. Sheesh . . . better update my "to-do" list. What the heck did I promise this time? : )