Frustrated

A new anti nausea med (Raglan) seems to help, but I still have no appetite. I am afraid if I eat anything too solid, I will get bad constipation. In the meantime, I think I have lost even more weight, even though I try to force myself to eat something.

So I am frustrated. Afrid I will waste away to nothing.

Maybe I need to go into the hospital to get nutrients, fluids, and strength.

I feel like I am wasting away. But dad thinks I am gradually getting stronger. My fears are getting the worse of me today.

I did stay at Eddie's party for an hour yesterday, longer than I thought in the heat.

But I stayed home today while my patents went to the state fair with Eddie.

My family is trying to help me through this time. I am so thankful they are here.

Eddie, I am going to do all I can to be here for you. You are important to me. I love you very much.

Staying comfortable

Right now, the only comfortable position for my arms and shoulders seems to be lying down. When I go out in public, I have to keep my left arm up, which then causes me to tense up my right side, too. Even sitting up in my chair is uncomfortable or at a table.

My last arm radiation treatment is tomorrow so this week I hope to begin addressing the lymphedema, pain, and strength in my arms and I can get out and about more.

I need to ask my dad and Scott to clean out my Humanities office this week.

We are also going to try to hold a birthday party at the pool this coming Saturday for Eddie - a very belated one. ineed to find out how many kids from his class will be in town for the holiday week.

I do think things are getting incrementally better, but is frustrating just the same. My dad reminds me that for several weeks after her heart surgery, she was very weak, shaky, and mom did everything for her. Now, she is doing things for me and has even built the deck. So she is a good role model for me to follow. Slowly but surely, right?

Near Tears - Need a Distraction

Near tears? Actually, when talking to my two grad students in the last couple of days, I've actually teared up, especially when they asked how I'm doing. One of them even told me today that I don't need to put a brave face on for her benefit!

But in truth, I put a brave face on because it makes me feel better. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

I was feeling nauseous this morning - I took two of my nerve pain pills (which is allowable), but I found that it's too much for my system.

I am fatigued. I slept decently last night and so was able to operate fairly normally this morning. But by the time I got home, I felt tired. Work was a welcome distraction.

I still have a stuffy nose. And the pain pills wear off after a couple of hours or so.

My plan is to endure the next few days. I am trying to focus on the fact that by this time next week, I might be heading home. Surgery will be done with and I will no longer have a growth under my armpit.

My dad is also frustrated because he's not able to do much and when he does, he gets tired.

I think we both need to foci on what we can do, not on what we can't do, right dad?

Fighting My Third Bout of Fever

So, I had a fever July 30-31, then again August 3-4, and then I came down with a fever again last night and still have it today. I get chills and achey leg muscles. Scott was accommodating and took care of me as much as possible (I still wanted to go out to eat). I was 101.6 yesterday evening. I just checked it a bit ago and it was 101.3.

Does it have something to do with the tissue expander (which I think has ruptured)? Does it just mean that my body's immune system is still weakened so the instant I feel good and try to do a little bit more, my body rebels? Is it because my body just can't regulate my temperature because it's busy trying to heal the radiated area? Inquiring minds want to know . .. but I have to be patient and see if I can see my doc tomorrow.

I'll let you know as soon as I know. In the meantime, I'm feeling pretty tired. I plan to get a good night's sleep.