Rest. It does a body good.

One of my blogging friends, Laurie, commented on my last blog post that rest is as much doing something as anything else. I feel like I have been doing nothing but rest lately, but it is a good reminder - again in this yang-addicted society and with my yang-addicted personality- that it is okay to do nothing.

I haven't done much today. Just ran an errand with dad. My eyes can't focus on anything close (one reason I am not blogging or on Facebook so much). I napped once. Chatted on the phone with a friend. But that is about it.

Yesterday, I paid bills and grouted my mosaic. Just need to do some finish work on it and put sealant on it and it's done.

Took the antibiotic yesterday and started Tykerb (just one pill so my body can get used to it and my digestive system can heal some more). So far so good. My stomach still cramps when I eat.

Oh, I also took a longer walk today. I try to do the "shee-shee-whoo" breath when I do. It is a qigong technique. My acupuncturist says that her teacher knows a group of cancer patients in China who do this three hours a day andnthey are cancer free. It is all part of my plan to take deeper breaths and work the anxiety out of my system.

I have take Valium the last three nights and that also helps. I am able to go longer stretches without eating (otherwise once an hour), so now I feel more human. There is less tension in my shoulders, which is a good thing.

Updates on Surgery/Wounds and Anxiety/Sleeplessness

The night before last, I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. By the time I got up - and talked to my folks - I was weepy. Frustrated. Anxious. Uncertain. Pain in my right arm/shoulder

The anxiety was due to the fact that I was to meet with the radiation oncologist about whole brain radiation. I showed her some info I found. And while she agreed that there are docs who would argue against it until something new crops up, she's in the camp (since it seems my disease is controlled from the neck down), that would want to treat my brain more aggressively so that no more tumors crop up.

I am still on the fence with that decision. But she agreed that a follow-up MRI, to see if anything is there, is warranted. So, I have an MRI scheduled on Monday and then I will feel that I can make a more informed decision.

On the one hand, two of my right fingers and thumb are still numb and tingly. I am a bit wobbly on my feet, but there are explanations for why that is (post-surgery/medications/etc.).It could mean there is still some swelling on my brain, not necessarily tumor growth. An MRI will help us answer that.

As for the anxiety and sleep, the radiation oncologist thought I should have Ativan, but I told her that I still had a bottle of Valium (that I hardly took) from a couple of days prior to finding the brain tumors. She encouraged me to try that last night, so I did. I figured that I got maybe 7 hours of sleep last night and I must say I do feel less anxious - at least, my shoulders aren't lifting as much as they did and my right arm/shoulder are less tense and painful.

I am also taking Tylenol regularly, which also helps.

As for the surgery, about 85% of the skin graft on the chest wound succeeded. It is draining fluids, still. But no sign of infection. There is quite a depression there - about the size of an egg. On the boob side, it's maybe 3/4 of an inch deep and on the breast bone side, maybe 1/2 inch. In other words, a big crater in my chest, but preferable to a draining tumor.

The donor site is nearly healed. The surgeon said that he's never seen anyone heal that quickly. He attributed that to my immune system, but it could also be the antibiotic ointment I used on it daily.

As for the lymphedema on my left arm, the area nearest my armpit has gotten bigger. The physical therapist also noted that it was red and thought there might be an infection brewing. So, I talked the surgeon into prescribing IV antibiotics for when I get my Herceptin treatment tomorrow. IV antibiotics will be easier on my digestive system.

I also saw my acupuncturist, who saw my anxiety and also noted the fact that my digestive system is still not right or healed. So, my treatment was based around that - she said my liver is carrying a lot of heat, which means to me that it's processing a lot of the medications I had in my system. So, to keep things simple, I take the anti-nausea Chinese pills and will take that until I feel my digestive system is more healed.

So, I am better today. (I didn't post yesterday since I felt so yucky.) Still a bit wobbly on my feet, but I am taking daily walks down the hill from my appointments (about a mile). My stomach is still cramping after I eat. But I have the next couple of weeks to heal from all the meds before starting anything more aggressive (if I do).

I have Herceptin tomorrow and Zometa, plus the antibiotic.

On the Mend, I think

Yesterday, I was reminded again of the importance of engaging with the outside world. If I stay home, my thoughts become morbid, or I feel more pain in my arm, or whatever.

We (my parents and I) took my son to a local festival. At first, I wasn't sure how long I could stay because of nausea or fatigue or feeling too hot, especially because of this compression sleeve. I found myself thinking several times, "These people do not know how lucky they are - to be able to walk around without a care in the world." I thought other things, too, but won't repeat them here.

I was also reminded how much my mood depends on how I feel, especially with regard to nausea. I really can't handle the nausea. I find it so hard to be positive with I feel like crap. But if I feel halfway human, I feel much more positive.

Anyway, I didn't take the antibiotic yesterday. Right before we went to the festival, I drank some ginger tea. And, I did okay. I ate some yakisoba noodles - as a snack and then decided to have it for dinner.  As the afternoon continued, I felt better. In the evening, after dinner, a friend from high school stopped by for a visit. And, again, it was really good for me. It buoyed my spirits.

Today, I feel better yet, that is, if I wasn't so tired. I just laid down in bed for about half an hour, probably napped about 15 min or so, and I feel okay.

My stomach is still cramping. But the only western meds I am taking is the anti-seizure medication and Imodium for diarrhea. I am taking Chinese herbs for nausea, plus ginger tea. Mentos, for some reason, also seem to help (of course, peppermint). I am trying to keep it really simple so that my body can continue to detoxify. I don't know yet when I will begin taking Tykerb again. I think I need to let my digestive tract heal more.  I think I end up having a lot of the antibiotic side effects (I am taking Keflex). They include gastritis, diarrhea, nausea, agitation, etc. I certainly had the agitation. My stomach cramps any time I eat.

I see both the radiation oncologist and my surgeon on Wednesday and will report my symptoms. I don't think there's much to do besides heal. I do think that I won't do WBR for awhile. For the next few weeks of  summer, I just want to have fun.

So, I feel better. I do better when I do get out and about, but I have to be careful not to overdo it.

Oh, I forgot - I did get short-term disability. I got approved on Thursday and received the check Saturday. It was about $1000 less than I thought I would get but that is because of the one week waiting period. But I am okay financially. We'll get through that, too.

I plan to continue healing until we go to the coast in 12 days. When my stomach and digestive symptoms improve, then I will begin taking Tykerb again. I am supposed to have Herceptin/Zometa this Friday and I plan to do it. Let's hope the digestive symptoms heal more by then.

In the meantime, I appreciate your continued prayers and thoughts and blessings. They do keep me from going completely into a deep, dark place.