Should I Be More Worried? OR the Power of Positive Energy

When I got the news last Wed night that the MRI showed two brain tumors, I wasn't too upset. My family was much more upset and I cried because they were crying but not because I was devastated at the news. I know it's serious, but I am still not really devastated or even worried. I am more worried that I need to be worried about this setback than about the setback itself.

So, as the steroids keep me awake at night, I have been trying to figure out what I think about the whole situation.

I keep thinking that it could be much worse. Surgery was successful. I am on steroids that interrupt sleep and mess up my stomach but the weakness and numbness in my hand and arm are dissipating. I hardly have any pain. The acid reflux pills help. I rest as much as I can. I have a plan for treatment in the next weeks that should take care of that pesky brain tumor. We will work on a maintenance plan to keep it from coming back afterwards.

I have a plan for the tumor in my chest. My wound under my armpit is still healing - the skin is still growing over the lat flap. There was a 6x8cm open spot and I think it was a 2x1 and another 2x1cm spot.

I start PT next week for the lymphedema in my upper left arm.

I decided the brain tumors were a wake-up call - I had been really fixated on the damn wound and satellite lesions (about 18x12cm right before surgery) in my armpit prior to the April 1 surgery and I hoped that after that surgery, I could enter into stable disease status. But the brain tumors might be telling me that I can't be too complacent about how I approach my treatment and my healing.

I am not convinced, however, that heavier duty chemotherapy will be the ticket. I read other bloggers who have gone that route - they've lost some quality of life and yet their disease still progresses.

To me, that means that I need to figure out ways to approach my treatment that are more humane to my body. I've been doing a lot of reading on EAstern philosophies and healing traditions and want to bring more of them into what I do. I have friends who pass me on information on that and I see my acupuncturist. I think I will dedicate my summer to exploring these kinds of both spiritual and physical actions more as I think I will live longer that way.

The brain tumors have also really given me permission to just forget about work. The stressful part of work. The only kind of "work" I want to do is the fun stuff - learning about people and why they do what they do, which is why I got into anthropology in the first place. My whole plan this summer is to putz around at home, work on mosaics, maybe plan yard projects, go to the Coast, stay in a treehouse. Fun stuff. Life is too short is get caught up in the drama and politics of work.

So, in the end, I guess that's why I am not more worried about the brain tumors. Things could be worse. I could either spend my time depressed and worried and sad or I could just see this as an opportunity to make sure I make the most out of my life, enjoy myself, enjoy my friends and family, spread joy, be creative, be thankful, and count my blessings. Laugh. That is a choice one can make. I choose to focus on the positive. And, life is still good!

I also think that the continued good energy, positive vibes, prayers, blessings, and whatever else is coming my way also help me a lot. And, for that I am always thankful!

Cancer Chic - Me and My Vacuum

As soon as I find the cable that connects my camera to the computer, I will post some before and after pictures of

Me and My Vacuum

(thinking of Me and My Shadow song)

After my nurse, L., finished packing the wound and then attaching the "drape" (which I called a "lid" yesterday), I looked down and realized that there are several feet of tubing that goes from my body to the pump. Maybe as much as 8-10 feet. Talk about a tether!

It's a clear tubing and I thought I might just stuff it in my pocket, but there's no pocket that's big enough for all of that. So, whaddya do?

Why decorate it, of course! I thought I might decorate it with beads and wear the tubing as a necklace or a belt and I still have to play around to see if that works. But when I got home, I thought about that curling ribbon you put on gifts. Perfect!

So, I'm experimenting with it a bit and will probably change it periodically, but I like it. I figure, people are going to notice the damn thing anyway. Might as well have fun with it and if someone asks, I'll just tell them the truth.

You do lose some vanity and also some inhibitions when you have cancer. It's out of your hands, to a certain extent, so you might as well play and enjoy the experience!

Hope everyone has a great day! Sincerely, Seven

I'm Doing Well, Thank You

It's interesting . . . several people asked me today how I was doing in reference to the meds and other treatments for metastatic cancer. My therapist mentioned that I haven't really talked much about it in the last few weeks.

My answer: I'm doing okay. I am getting some good sleep every night - taking away the night light and adding melatonin to my night meds, augmented by peppermint tea and massaging my feet with lavender before bed seem to be working fairly well. I think I've averaged at least 7 hours a night. I had good energy the past few days - and yesterday, I was busy from about 7am to 9pm, without much resting in between. I ran errands, worked on an article, graded papers in Eddie's class, worked on the article some more, and then paid bills.

It was nice. It struck me last night that yesterday was the first day in MONTHS in which I didn't get the late afternoon fatigue and wanting to just collapse and relax. Of course, I just gave a big yawn and am feeling tired today - maybe it's my body telling it I overdid it yesterday.

It seems with more sleep, I am tolerating the side effects better, too. I have had to alter my diet some - no spicy foods for me - and by using aloe vera juice to swish in my mouth and drinking peppermint tea, I haven't had bad mouth sores. I've been keeping my hands and feet fairly moist. My hands are sensitive to heat, so I am starting to take cooler showers and to use cooler water when washing dishes. I've had no nausea or diarrhea. I'm keeping the open wound, where the skin mets were, clean.

I'm even contemplating going back to a 3 Xeloda in the am and 2 at night schedule, in the hopes that more of the stuff will hasten the disappearance of the red skin rash.

In fact, my therapy session this morning had more to do with normal, everyday stressors and not cancer. And, that's a good thing!

I don't think I'm in denial. Cancer is always there in the back of my mind. It is nice, however, to go back to a relatively normal life again, spending time with my son, hanging out with friends and family, talking about playing volleyball and softball, writing those academic articles and enjoying it! I've been working on the props for Eddie's Price Is Right birthday party, too. Fun stuff.

It bodes well, I think, as I have a pretty full plate at work for the next few months - a couple of obligations for the National Science Foundation (reviewing proposals and then working on the committee for the Government Performance Reporting Act, and our meeting is in June), a symposium I will participate in at Univ Oregon in Eugene next month, a possible meeting with my colleague at Portland State with the Alaska Native corp leaders also in May, and a revision of an article I submitted to Etudes/Inuit/Studies. And, I'm organizing a visit by Jeanne Sather the third week of May; Jeanne will stay with me and do a blogging workshop, a presentation to the general public at OSU, and a talk in our Anthro department. And, then in August, my plan is to go to the International Arctic Social Science meeting in Nuuk, Greenland. Also, for the June trip to DC, I plan to visit Carver in Raleigh . . . I've never been to North Carolina. It'll be a short trip, but it'll be good to hang out with her for awhile.

So, yeah, I'm doing well, thank you. I appreciate your prayers and blessings and all around positive energy. I'm sure that it's helping! And, if you hear of a good boob joke . . . I'm still collecting them!

My Inner Child Was Having Fun Today!

My son's favorite show at present is "The Price Is Right". He likes Drew Carey as host, but he also seems to like Bob Barker just as well. He even knows the announcer's names. Now he's even getting the names of the models, too, because when I let him on the computer, he's often watching You Tube videos of old shows of Price Is Right - even shows dating back to the 1970s and even earlier - even versions of the show from England! He also has his own computer game of the Price Is Right and we will sometimes play "pricing games" in the car when we're driving places. (My son has Asperger's Syndrome, high functioning autism. He's a pretty normal kid, overall, but he does tend to focus his attention on one or two things. His focus now is The Price is Right and also the Magic Treehouse books. Last summer and fall, it was the Magic Schoolbus books and Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, which he still likes.)

At any rate, his birthday is in July, so I got the bright idea over the holidays that maybe for his birthday, we'd have a "Price Is Right" theme, complete with one or two games. I enlisted the help of my brother-in-law, Henk, to build us some of the games. We decided to start on Plinko and week-end before last, he got the plywood out, drilled holes, and then glued pegs into the holes. He also built slots into the bottom and a guide for the bottom and sides of the board, so the Plinko chips don't fall out. This past week-end, I bought paint for it - Eddie said he wanted it to be green. I found a lighter, spring-like mint-colored green. Someone told me it wasn't "manly" enough, but I thought a lighter green would be better. Eddie then told me that he wanted polka dots on it as well as the word "Plinko" written on top.



I painted primer on Saturday, then last night, I painted the mint green over the whole thing. Tonight, I found a fun font and printed out "Plinko" in large letters, cut out the letters and stenciled them onto the top part of the board. Then, I bought a compass to make different sized dots. I painted the letters and dots tonight, too, and I must say, I am pretty pleased with the results! I need to take a picture of it in daylight - tried to take a picture last night when it was dark, but the flash on the camera caused the board to be too light in some areas and too dark in others. So, when it's daylight, I'll take a picture of it and post it on this entry!

My inner child - the one who likes to color and paint and all that - had a grand time painting the dots and the letters! It's also an activity that can give you that zen-like focus. You just slow down, your breathing slows down, and you're focused on making nice lines, shapes, and giving color to the whole works. You're in the moment, in other words, and often times, you don't know what all you're thinking about. It was fun and, better yet, really colorful, too! Eddie is with his dad for a few days so I'm hoping it's all dry by the time he comes home . . . I hope he enjoys it!

The next thing to do is for Henk to make the back support for Plinko, I need to make the numbers for the slots below. But rather than do just one set of numbers and paint them in the slots, I thought that I'd take poster board, cut it into the slot-sizes, put different denominations of numbers so that Eddie can change them when he wants, and then laminate them. So, I still need to make the numbers.

Then, Henk will tackle the Big Wheel that's used to choose contestants for the Showcase Showdown. I think we're going to attempt Cliffhanger, too. There might be two or three other games, but I don't think they will be as involved.