Wow - Three Years

It's hard to believe that I started this blog three years ago. In fact, I missed my three year anniversary of this blog (it was Oct 15, 2007) as well as the three-year mark for my second diagnosis of breast cancer (October 3, 2007).

At the time, I never thought I'd go through what I've been through. Here's a list:

Surgeries: 2 (bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction) with 1 more planned

Radiation: 6 1/2 weeks to kill the cancer in the skin (June 15 to Aug 1 2008)

Mets Diagnoses: Skin - 2 times (right breast area; left armpit); Lung (3 in left side); Bone Marrow - multiple sites; Lymph Nodes - multiple sites; Liver - potential site?

Targeted therapies - Tykerb (March 2008 to January 2009; April 2009 to Nov or Dec 2009); Herceptin (January 2010 to July 2010); Femara (August 2009 to November 2009)

Chemotherapies - Oral Xeloda (March 2008 to December 2008; April 2009 to July 2009); Abraxane (October 2010 to ??)

Open Skin Wounds - Right breast area (March 2008 to February 2009); Left armpit - August 2010 to present)

Depression - two times when it was hard to lift my mood, when I remember envying "normal" people

Worry - multiple times

But there was good news - I achieved "stable disease" from August 2008 to April 2009). And, it looks like I might be headed to stable disease again. (There are two kinds of remission, one in which a patient is NED or no evidence of disease. And, there is "stable disease", which is me, because I may never get rid of the calcium deposits in my bone marrow since they take so long to resolve and the calcium deposits are evidence of disease.)

I have enjoyed incredible support from family, friends, and colleagues. I have reconnected with high school friends through Facebook. I have grown closer to many people. My son is healthy and doing well. I have "met" several cancer bloggers, a few in person and others just online. These women have taught me how to persevere, how to deal with side effects, how to continue living life to the fullest, how to stay connected, how to approach this disease, and I'm happy to continue sharing in their lives through their blogs.

I also have very good medical care providers, including my oncologist, my radiation oncologist, my therapist, my acupuncturist, my wound care nurse, the UW clinical trial doctors, the infusion nurses, my surgeon, my plastic surgeon, and all the nurses who help my doctors.

I feel that I have learned a lot about diet, alternative forms of healing such as Chinese Medicine, and have started my own spiritual search. In terms of spirituality, I have done a lot of reading and have an eclectic mix of things that I believe in. I have had some experiences, too, that can't be explained. I feel like I am healthier mentally and emotionally than I've ever been before.

It's really been a roller coaster ride. It's a metaphor that is probably overused, but at the moment, I can't think of another way to describe it. The truth is that there have been highs and lows. But through my learning of how to cope with this disease, I've learned how to cultivate happiness. I have learned to create gratitude lists. I focus on what I have rather than what I don't. I make a choice each morning deciding that I will be happy. I don't always succeed, but I never feel guilty about that. I do, however, try to let the bad feelings pass through me, now, rather than hold on to them. I feel, though, that with all that I have learned and the recent treatments I have had, I may be poised to enjoy a long period of remission. I have some work to do to enable that - like trying to not eat sugar in my diet (which feeds the cancer) and to practice qigong and meditation more regularly. But I'm getting there.

I wish I could've learned all these lessons without having cancer. I would never wish this on anyone. But that's not the way it turned out. As I'm found of saying nowadays, "It is what it is." Not much I can do about how it happened. I do have control over what will happen next, which is to live a good life and to continue learning how to be a better person.

Because life is good. And, I'm thankful for it and for all the support that I have received. Thank you for reading the blog. Here's to 30 or more years of it, huh? : )

Anniversary Reflection

One year ago today, I found out that I had breast cancer again.

My first diagnosis was on August 15, 2002. I had a lumpectomy with sentinel node dissection, four rounds of AC (adriamycin and cytoxan), 6 1/2 weeks of radiation, and then 4 1/2 years of tamoxifen.

One year ago today, I was stunned to learn that it had returned (if indeed it had ever left and tamoxifen kept things at bay). My cousin Toni was here visiting and she took some pictures of me and had others take pictures of her and me at that time. My eyes looked haunted - like a deer caught in the headlights. I'll have to see if I can locate those photos - I think she sent them to me.

I hated chemo the first time and I had no desire to do that again. However, the pathology report stated that my "tumor" was only 3mm. So, while stunned and scared, I was also quite hopeful that I would have surgery (a bilateral mastectomy) and reconstruction and be done with the whole thing.

One year ago today, if I had known what I was in for . . . I might've crawled into a deep dark hole and never emerged. I might've been overwhelmed by all that has happened to me.

But it seemed that I had reason to be hopeful. So, I started collecting boob jokes and had a Boob Ball. Injecting humor into my diagnosis and then recovery seemed to make people more comfortable and able to talk to me about it.

I could talk about all the bad things that happened. But I already have. Been there. Done that. It's all (or most of it anyway) is in my blog. I could also talk about the pink ribbon marketing and how irritating it is. But I refuse to let all that pink ribbon stuff get me down. It's not worth it for me to talk about it.

I'd rather talk about the positives.

Sunil (one of my colleagues) told me today that from the research he's found regarding tumor markers and specifically the CA 15-3, doctors tend to think a good result with Stage IV metastatic cancer is if the tumor marker numbers decrease by 5-10% from its high point and stays there. Let's see. A 5% decrease would be 1.8 to 3.6 points, giving a tumor marker number of 34.2 to 32.4. My marker was 14.5.

That's a decrease of 60.4%, people!!

And, the other marker - the CEA - has had a decrease of 45-55%.

Other positives:
- I am feeling better - more energetic - and sleeping better at night.
- I feel happy and at peace - I have tried to do a lot of work dealing with some of my core psychological issues, like holding onto angry and frustration and the feeling of not belonging. I've learned a lot about myself. I think it has made my relationships with my friends, family, and colleagues much better than they were previously.
- My son is healthy and doing well in school.
- Scott and I are back together and his daughter is doing better, too.
- I still love my work.
- I have made many new friends, both in person and through blogging.
- I live in a great place, surrounded by natural beauty.
- I'm learning to balance my work with my life.
- I started tapping more into my artistic side - with coloring and creating mandalas and the mosaic in the backyard.
- I have collected a lot of boob jokes.
- My tumor markers are well within the normal range and there is no evidence of disease in my skin.
- I have learned a lot about alternative medicine and I really like the people who give me care.
- I am thankful for all the support that everyone has given me - I am truly blessed.
- I am thankful for all of my care providers - my oncologists, my therapist, my acupuncturist, and my massage therapist - and my plastic surgeon. People often ask me why I didn't seek care out of my small college town, but I've found all that I need right here.
- My family has been really really wonderful.

I bet I could go on and on and on and on. The important thing is that I'm here and doing well and moving on. It's been a very challenging year and one that I hope I never ever have to repeat it in this lifetime.

But, it's also showed me what wonderful people surround me. Thank you all!