On the Mend, I think

Yesterday, I was reminded again of the importance of engaging with the outside world. If I stay home, my thoughts become morbid, or I feel more pain in my arm, or whatever.

We (my parents and I) took my son to a local festival. At first, I wasn't sure how long I could stay because of nausea or fatigue or feeling too hot, especially because of this compression sleeve. I found myself thinking several times, "These people do not know how lucky they are - to be able to walk around without a care in the world." I thought other things, too, but won't repeat them here.

I was also reminded how much my mood depends on how I feel, especially with regard to nausea. I really can't handle the nausea. I find it so hard to be positive with I feel like crap. But if I feel halfway human, I feel much more positive.

Anyway, I didn't take the antibiotic yesterday. Right before we went to the festival, I drank some ginger tea. And, I did okay. I ate some yakisoba noodles - as a snack and then decided to have it for dinner.  As the afternoon continued, I felt better. In the evening, after dinner, a friend from high school stopped by for a visit. And, again, it was really good for me. It buoyed my spirits.

Today, I feel better yet, that is, if I wasn't so tired. I just laid down in bed for about half an hour, probably napped about 15 min or so, and I feel okay.

My stomach is still cramping. But the only western meds I am taking is the anti-seizure medication and Imodium for diarrhea. I am taking Chinese herbs for nausea, plus ginger tea. Mentos, for some reason, also seem to help (of course, peppermint). I am trying to keep it really simple so that my body can continue to detoxify. I don't know yet when I will begin taking Tykerb again. I think I need to let my digestive tract heal more.  I think I end up having a lot of the antibiotic side effects (I am taking Keflex). They include gastritis, diarrhea, nausea, agitation, etc. I certainly had the agitation. My stomach cramps any time I eat.

I see both the radiation oncologist and my surgeon on Wednesday and will report my symptoms. I don't think there's much to do besides heal. I do think that I won't do WBR for awhile. For the next few weeks of  summer, I just want to have fun.

So, I feel better. I do better when I do get out and about, but I have to be careful not to overdo it.

Oh, I forgot - I did get short-term disability. I got approved on Thursday and received the check Saturday. It was about $1000 less than I thought I would get but that is because of the one week waiting period. But I am okay financially. We'll get through that, too.

I plan to continue healing until we go to the coast in 12 days. When my stomach and digestive symptoms improve, then I will begin taking Tykerb again. I am supposed to have Herceptin/Zometa this Friday and I plan to do it. Let's hope the digestive symptoms heal more by then.

In the meantime, I appreciate your continued prayers and thoughts and blessings. They do keep me from going completely into a deep, dark place.

My Brain Got Zapped Today

I just got my brain zapped. Yep, whole brain radiation started today.

I was apprehensive beforehand. But talking to people when I got there - asking about side effects - calmed me down. They had to do a "set-up" first to be sure I was positioned correctly and that took a little bit of time. At first, the tech didn't say what she was doing when, but when I asked her to tell me what she was doing and why, I was able to calm down. I thanked her for telling me.

Then, once the doc okayed the set-up, I got zapped. About 20-30 seconds on each side. Fairly quick. I don't even need to take off my contacts. Most people only get scalp redness (alleviated by aloe vera gel) and some fatigue.

Already got the fatigue but that seems better the more days I have since surgery. The social worker said, "gosh are you ready to start this today?". When I said that because my family had already scheduled time at a house at the beach - July 16 - and that this was the first day the neurosurgeon released me to start radiation - the 14 scheduled sessions have to begin today, she understood. She then said, "boy you're strong!"

Yeah, I guess I am. I get a lot of support at home and that really really helps.

I am more tired today than yesterday, though, as I couldn't relax my right arm and shoulder. I think it was because I spent a few hours gluing tiles to my most recent mosaic. It's better now, though. I do have some increased swelling in the front of the right shoulder due to the surgery and the nurse said that I could probably start taking Ibuprofen if I wanted. I guess I should check with my docs first, to make sure it isn't contraindicated with the anti-seizure medication. On second thought, I think it is. I do think I got some sleep, finally, and my arm relaxed partway through the night. I'm not going to use that arm much today so that I can get a better night's sleep. I will, however, try to stretch it more.

Tomorrow, I have four appointments - wound care, physical therapy, acupuncture and then radiation.

That's pretty much my life with wound care twice a week, physical therapy twice a week, acupuncture once a week, and regular therapy.

I feel so much better now that WBR (whole brain radiation - for ease of typing, that is the abbreviation I will use henceforth) has started and I know what to expect.

Had some diarrhea, too, today, but as that is a side effect of three of the prescription meds I am on (anti-seizure Keppra, anti-cancer Tykerb, and an antiobiotic Keflex), it is to be expected. I took an Imodium after breakfast and I feel better now. It seems that one 2mg Imodium tablet lasts me two days. So, tomorrow should be better.

Yes, I have a lot of things going on - treatment, side effects from treatment, treatments for the side effects, wounds, etc. - but it could be so much worse. I watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition last night - I don't have it nearly as bad.

And, yeah, I finally got hold of a real person at the Standard about my short-term disability claim this morning. While in radiation, they called and said that they are processing my claim and should have a determination this afternoon or tomorrow. Turns out  my old analyst was on vacation so I politely but  firmly requested another one as I have had much difficulty getting hold of her. It pays to call and follow up on things like this. Nice to know that I should know something by tomorrow morning.

I am on a different computer than my iPad - so I will post some pics that I've been promising for awhile! Definitely feeling better this afternoon than this morning. I promise I won't overdo it, though!

Some Good News . . . But With a Catch

I received a letter yesterday from Social Security. I have already been approved for social security disability.

Yes. That's right. Three (or was it four?) weeks after I applied.

The catch is that I need to be "disabled" for five months before I start receiving disability benefits. That means I will be eligible for benefits beginning November 2011 and will get the payments the month afterwards. For me, that'll be around Christmas.

That leaves some questions about insurance. Even though I am currently disabled, does this mean that I have to wait until November to apply for something like the Oregon Health Plan? If so, my current coverage ends at the end of September, so I will either need to have something else in place and/or pay COBRA out of pocket for October/November/December.

There's also a relatively new Oregon insurance program, too, that I need to look into.

So, tomorrow, in addition to starting radiation, I will have to make phone calls about what insurance I am eligible for. I'll call the state, maybe my own human resources department, and the social security office.

I also need to verify that my private disability insurance (which I pay for but which is offered by the state) benefits won't be deducted from social security.

Speaking of private disability insurance, I called my analyst (or tried to) last Monday and Tuesday. I tried three times on Monday; twice I decided to try to wait on hold, but after about 15 minutes each time, I gave up. I called again on Tuesday and had to press so many buttons to get to a real human voice. That person tried to get hold of my analyst and also looked up my disability claim. My old claim (from April) was closed and there wasn't any evidence in the computer of a new claim. The "real voice" tried may analyst and got her voice mail (which I also got several times) and said she'd leave a message for her to call me back. I didn't get a call on Wednesday, and then, of couse, I was in the hospital Thursday and Friday. So, I need to try again tomorrow. My analyst, Sokunthea at the Standard INsurance Company, told me on June 7th that I did not have to do anything and that she would send my paperwork in for a new claim. If, by god, she hasn't done that, someone at the Standard will have hell to pay.

Standard was so fast with the April claim, so the fact that I haven't heard anything by now is disturbing. In the meantime, I will only get a couple of hundred dollars on this check, which is not enough to pay the monthly bills. Luckily, I have some in savings and can use other sources to cover things until I do get a real person on the line to put in the claim and if they work as fast as they did in April, I should get my four weeks of disability payments within a couple of weeks.

My Doctor and I Understand Each Other

It was a good day today. It was a bit of a lazy morning, then I sorted through Eddie's and my clothes to get rid of stuff we won't wear anymore to take to Goodwill. I also sorted through linens and blankets, too. I wanted to put labels on stuff in the garage to sort them into a dump pile, a garage sale pile, and a Goodwill pile, but ran out of time.

I then went to my office to pick up some articles and stuff so I can work on my blogger analysis article - some research on narrative medicine and such. Then I talked to my supervisor and was reassured that my decision to go on disability (at this point, temporary for the next year) was fine with her. Then I told her my ideas for things that I had to drop last month - things that I could pass on to others or what I wanted to continue for myself.

Then I talked to our school's accountant/assistant (formerly our office manager) about my grants and she informed me that she and another colleague intended to come to my house today to clean our our gutters, but my colleague had a last minute visitor and couldn't make it. Then it turns out that my colleague's 20-year-old son overhead the whole conversation about the gutters and informed them that he would come over in the next week to do them because (and I quote), "I don't want to see two old ladies up on the roof doing it". Wow! Totally unexpected. Thanks, S.!

Also, my supervisor and the accountant say that there are plans afoot to either do more yard work or to paint the house for us. Wow again! I feel so very fortunate to have such great colleagues. I should also say that a colleague's husband came over today to help my dad in the yard - he trimmed the shrubs in front of the house and hauled dirt for dad. The yard is really starting to take shape. Thank you, A.!

Then, it was off to see my therapist. I was apprehensive because I wanted to talk to Dr. K about my making decisions without consulting him, plus concerns about the areas in my armpit that aren't healing (the smaller areas suspected of either infection or cancer). We had a good discussion and it helped me to clarify exactly what I wanted to say to Dr. K.

Then it was time to see Dr. K. When I got in to see him, I said that I know that I made a couple of decisions to do the last two surgeries without consulting him. Part of the reason for not doing so was that he was out of town and also that I was afraid he'd talk me out of it. I also said that I hoped that making decisions like that wouldn't harm our relationship. I teared up a little from anxiety, but then he reassured me, "Don't worry about that [making decisions without me]. Those decisions are very much in keeping with the way that you make decisions." In other words, I didn't surprise him.

I proceeded to tell him that his comment about Christmas made me sad at first, but then it pissed me off and his reply was, "Good!" I also said that I thought he was trying to manipulate me to continue treatments sooner than I wanted and he just smiled. I just smiled back. He also said that sometimes, physicians have to be realistic with their patients - and in my case, I do need to make some preparations in case I die sooner than I think I will, particularly get my will prepared, etc., which I have been avoiding because I don't want to think about it. But best to be prepared.

So, then I showed him some of the research I found (namely, the piece about survival rates and brain mets) and then made my case for getting the skin mets under control. I told him about some of the things I found on the her-2 bulletin board at breastcancer.org (I think) regarding skin mets. I told him about some other options, like topical treatments, testing my tumor's biomarkers/DNA?, and TDM-1.

Of all the options, he seemed to like the TDM-1 and said that we needed to get me into that clinical trial. So, I told him that Genentech has an application process by which he applies to be a PI for me on an individual use basis and he said he'd be happy to do that.

I was pleased with the visit. It seems that Dr. K and I understand each other. He supports my decisions, promised to look into some of the options I presented, and also to try to get TDM-1 for me. I'll see him again after whole brain radiation - and our mini-vacation to the coast.

I have been tired all evening though. It was an emotionally draining afternoon, but it was a good one. I feel that things are moving forward as they should be.

Surgery tomorrow. A good thing, too, because the chest tumor started bleeding a lot last night. Luckily, the nurse gave me a powder that clots the blood; even so, there is still some underlying leakage. I didn't change the dressing tonight (I changed it this morning) because I was afraid it wouldn't stop. I'll let my surgeon deal with it tomorrow.

Time for me to turn in. I'll write you all on the other side of surgery! Wish me luck for no complications like infections and too much bleeding. I appreciate all of your healing thoughts, energy, and prayers!

UPDATE: Much better now

I called my surgeon's office and alerted them about the fact that the chest tumor is bleeding, so I went in to the lab and had blood drawn - and a "type and cross", which needs to be done if you need a transfusion. They double-check your blood type and other antibodies so they can match your blood type to their available blood. So, now I feel better that if I need blood during surgery, they have the necessary information to do so.

I also had a long conversation with the pre-op nurse today and asked about how to clean with Hibiclens. I feel more prepared now about what to do prior to surgery on Thursday.

I also talked to a nurse at my oncologist's office about the diarrhea since it was worse today and extended into the afternoon. I am now taking Imodium and am on a diet that is only easily digestible foods - no fresh fruit and veggies, etc.

I saw the physical therapist, too, today. My arm is about the same as it was the day after I started the compression wrap. I have a couple new strategies for wrapping. She did note, however, that the area at the top and under the arm (nearest the armpit) was 2cm bigger and seemed warm. That indicates inflammation, which might either be my immune system fighting an infection - or like the "inflammatory flare" I had after the Herminator cell infusion last year. She did say that if it was an infection there, I'd feel more pain, which I don't. So, we're just going to watch it.

I should also note that the area around the chest tumor is more red - and some spots are darker. The physical therapist also saw that it seemed redder. So, there might be inflammation there as well. I noted that it also seems bigger so I tend to think it's acting like the left armpit, which became more inflamed after the Herminator infusion.

I think both signs of inflammation are my body's attempt to fight the cancer with whatever Herminator cells I might have. I think the Tykerb is causing the inflammation. And, that's a good thing. I guess I think that it's my immune system fighting the cancer rather than a bacterial infection because I don't have a fever or feel otherwise sick.

I am feeling very tired even though I got about 7 hours sleep. Probably a combination of lack of sleep over the past week in combination with the diarrhea - lots of diarrhea can lead to fatigue.

I am drinking lots of fluids, though. I don't want to get dehydrated on top of everything else!

One of my grad research assistants stopped by today and brought lunch. We thought we might go out to lunch but with my reluctance to go out in public, she agreed to come over. I gave her some work to do for me.

I made my phone calls except that I couldn't get through to the disability insurance company "We apologize for the wait. We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls." blah blah blah. I was on hold with them twice for 15-20 min before I gave up.

I am hoping I get a good night's sleep tonight and that the Imodium helps because I really want to take Eddie and his cousin to a water park that just opened up north of here. I think it's important to take him out and about. My brother will go with me to help drive and to go into the water with the kids as I am unable to because of the wounds.

I feel much better now. Did things to relieve my anxiety and worry; I have my grad student working on some stuff for me (Thanks, R.!); am doing something about the diarrhea. Thank you for letting me complain. I feel better now then I did. And, thanks, R., for bringing lunch by!

Faith

This evening, I could feel my faith reasserting itself, especially after reading my friends' comments on Facebook, an email letter from another friend, and two blog posts by two of my blogging friends (Joanna and Jeanne). Because if all of you have anything at all to do with how long I live, I feel that I will live a very long time because of your support, your prayers, your positive energy, blessings, and strength.

I should say that, for a long time, maybe the last year or so, I have felt that I will eventually achieve stable disease status. I wasn't sure how or when, but I just have this deep sense that I will be okay and that I will be around for a long time. I have faith.

I should say that it isn't a Christian kind of faith for I am not really Christian. I was raised Catholic and I still find comfort in Mass. But over the past couple of years, I have done a lot of reading in other kinds of spirituality and while I can't give you specific quotes from various books, I will say that my thinking about religion and spirituality has evolved and developed over this time. One book that I really liked suggested by my colleague, Nancy, was called "Faith" by Sharon Salzburg. As I said I can't remember specifics but I do remember really liking the book and liking the philosophy or beliefs that she discussed. (She discussed faith from a Buddhist perspective.) It is that kind of faith that she discussed that I feel I have.

I don't believe that there is an omniscient all powerful single entity called "God". I don't want to offend or belittle anyone who believes in such an entity because I also don't think I have all the answers. I mean, who really knows? But I guess I just don't like the idea of a single entity that micromanages all of our lives.

Rather, I think "god" is this universal energy that exists in everything. This energy is within each of us and therefore we are all "god" - we just have to remember that we are. (This idea came from Deepak Chopra's book "Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul".) And, if we remember that we are "god", we can begin making choices that are for the good of all, including ourselves.

This reminds me of something my friend Phil told me a couple of months ago - I described a situation that he called "academic aggression" and then told me that I needed to learn to navigate such situations with "spirit not ego". And, I realized that much of my own misery or anger or frustration or resentment stemmed from my ego, not my spirit. And, when my ego gets involved, I can hurt those around me. But if I remove my ego from the situation and try to act with my spirit, any kind of obstacle or ill feeling or struggle disappears.

Phil had me read a couple of chapters from a book called "This Thing Called You" by Ernest Holmes last fall. I was angry about a particular situation and after I read that, I realized that I had been reacting as if whatever was happening to another person was happening to me - and I was also bringing in old habits and reactions to the situation. In other words, I reacted with my ego. But when I read those excerpts and then removed my ego from the situation, the stress went away and life was easier for those around me. At the time, I likened myself to a thread in a tapestry. We are all threads in this Tapestry of Life. But when my ego gets involved, I start tugging on my thread and that causes snags and buckles in the tapestry and messes up the overall design. If I react with spirit (i.e., without my ego), then the design is in harmony.

I am running out of steam here. I feel like I need to explain more about this sense of faith, but words aren't coming to me. But I wanted all of you who are worried about me to know that my faith has returned and that that faith - this feeling I have inside of me - tells me that I won't die anytime soon. I expect to have many Christmases. I expect to achieve stable disease status. I need to approach my treatments and my life from this sense of spirit and faith and to remove my ego from the situation. Things are as they should be right now. I will admit that it sucks to have to undergo more treatments sooner rather than later. But it is what I need to do. The decision to begin radiation in a few weeks (rather than later in the summer) feels right.

I think the brain mets and Dr. K's message about Christmas are attempts by this universal energy out there to tell me to get back to learning how to live my life by spirit, not ego. I really want to learn how to meditate and I intend to make qigong part of my daily practice.

It is also telling me that I still need to slow down and rest. So, this morning, when I made the decision to apply for social security disability felt right. It is time for me to live life on my own terms and not feel like I have to live up to someone else's expectations at work. I need more time to devote to other spiritual and artistic practices. And, I need to invest more time in my own healing.

So, I have faith that I will be around for a long time to come - and it is that faith that gives me the sense of calm and acceptance and the joy of life that you all say is amazing. I just need to invest the time in my healing to do so. I need to cultivate that faith more. That will be my task in the coming months.

An interesting option

It occurred to me yesterday to look at my Social Security statement - you know the one they send each year about how much you'd receive when you retire and/or go on disability and how much the survivor benefit might be?

Well, the statement I received in 2009 (couldn't locate last year's or this year's) gave me an amount that would cover my COBRA benefits if I went on disability. Between that and my long-term disability payments, my monthly expenses would be taken care of and I'd have insurance.

Plus, I'd be on Medicare, I presume. So, it would mean getting a supplemental insurance for that.

I just don't know if social security would say I'm sick enough to be disabled. But it is enough to look into. Sorta hate saying I'm disabled because I don't FEEL that sick. But I just might have to make that choice anyway.

Surgery Tomorrow and Other News of Today

I was actually quite busy today. I went into my office to pick up some files - I needed to contact some people about various things I said I would do this summer and either notify them I would be late or I would just not do them. But with over 3,000 emails in my inbox and not remembering when or who I was in contact with, I needed my hard copy sheets so I could follow up with them.

I also made a few phone calls about things like summer salary, disability, FMLA, insurance, etc. I need to figure out what my options are, how much to save, etc. I have a post about that, so I won't go into it here.

I also had to have my blood drawn and go see the wound care nurse. I forgot to mention that there are two smaller areas where the skin is almost all the way grown over near the bottom. In other words, almost all healed. The other larger area, up under the pit, is now about 6x3.5cm (she thought it was 5x4cm last week, but it's in an area that's hard to measure; seven days ago, it was 8x6cm. So, it's growing in nicely. It's not draining as much so less dressings. Maybe another 2-3 weeks.

I went with dad to pick Ed up from school and we ran an errand before we came home.

My colleague, M, and her husband and daughter stopped by and brought dinner and visited. It was a good visit. Thanks, M, for dinner!

I didn't take a steroid today. I took one yesterday and felt like my heart was racy and I was shaky all day. Yuck! I hardly have any numbness in my fingers, so I figure that's a good sign that there isn't much swelling. No head or nausea, either. I'll let the surgeon know that I didn't take steroids . . . I don't think it will make much of a difference. I hope that I won't have to take it afterwards, but if I do, maybe I can talk them into a smaller dose.

It seems a bit surreal to me that I head to surgery in less than 12 hours. I mean, they're opening up my head. I have reminded myself that the surgeon has already done this to me once and I was okay. This surgery is less risky and will only be 2 hours rather than 3. So, I should be okay. The radiation oncologist was surprised that I was having another surgery - this whole idea about standard of care in situations of 2 or more tumors in the brain usually means that there are cancer cells running around all over in there, so the treatment is radiation. If there is just one tumor, then surgery and radiation. When I told her that the surgeon said that I was now in the latter category and wanted to do the surgery, she said that that wasn't maybe technically correct and then she asked if my own oncologist knew what I had decided. I told her he was on vacation and didn't know. I think she's a little surprised that I would just make a decision without consulting and talking to a few docs - I might've passed the idea by Dr. K but I knew he was on vacation. So, I made the best decision I could at the time. As far as I'm concerned, the sooner we can get the thing out, the better. Then I can get to healing elsewhere instead of waiting to see if radiation worked.

A Wrinkle in my Disability Plans

I had hoped to take long-term disability all next year. It turns out, though, in order to have my benefits covered, I either need to work at least half-time or pay COBRA. This is because I do not have enough FMLA left to protect my benefits. (I've been on FMLA for over a year. Long story; don't want to talk about the nitty gritty details.)

I can't afford COBRA, I don't think, with the decreased salary I would get on disability. I'd like to keep my current insurance. I could go on the Oregon Health Plan, I supposed, but I don't know how well it would work.

I really wanted to have a stress-free year where I didn't have to worry about work.

CRAP.

I really wanted time off. But I may end up teaching a course a term or something. I'll have to talk to my supervisor. Not 'til next week sometime, after I'm home from this next surgery.

Sheesh. I'll be up tonight worrying about this one, I think.

UPDATE: I found out that to pay for my own insurance out of pocket,it would cost me about $1250 for both medical and dental. Holy cow. I have half a mind just to put it on my credit card for a few months so I can rest up and not worry about work during the fall. We will see.

Sleepless Nights are Conducive to Thinking and Making Decisions

I have been feeling generally sleep-deprived the last couple of days. Damn steroids. But the news that I can go off of them sooner rather than later - in less than two weeks - was very welcome news. The neurosurgeon allowed me to cut my dose from 4mg 4x/day (which he said was too much) to 4mg 3x/day. My fingers are still numb but I am steadier on my feet, so I made the decision to only take two doses a day until surgery.

Oh. I forgot to mention that surgery is Wednesday morning.

If my hand gets weaker and/or I feel unsteadier on my feet, I'll go back up to 3 doses. But I don't think I need it. I mean. It's only four more days until the sucker is taken out and I don't have to worry about swelling.

I slso decided to put off whole brain radiation for a couple of months - maybe to the end of summer. That is now a prophylactic treatment - to prevent regrowth. But I plan to ask Dr. K to put me on Tykerb again which is a drug like Herceptin but is a small enough molecule to cross the blood-brain barrier. If I can start taking that within a couple of weeks of surgery, I will have some preventive measures to keep any more brain tumors from growing. Tykerb is easier on my constitution.

I made this decision because I want to get stronger this summer. I feel like it was a long long winter and spring - I was tired a lot with that damn tumor under my armpit. It's gone and with no lymph nodes or lymph system, I presume that there will be no further cancer growth there. Chemotherapy last fall through January made me tired and by the time I had surgery, I really had no reserves to fight the infection. I am still recovering from the April 1 surgery and now I am 8-days post brain surgery and am contemplating another surgery in 4 days. I am bouncing back from these last two surgeries faster (which seems strange that you'd bounce back quicker from a brain surgery but there you have it).

I just want to spend the summer having fun, resting, and gaining strength. If I go on Tykerb, it can perhaps help with the tumor on the chest and it will protect my brain. If I can avoid the heavier-duty chemo (although Dr. K won't like that idea), I will get stronger faster. Radiation creates fatigue, but if I can delay that for a few months, I will get stronger faster. Tykerb would give me the same result, I think, that radiation would in terms of protecting my brain. If they press, I will consider radiation in late summer/early fall. That is soon enough, I think.

Doing this, going on Tykerb in addition to the Herceptin and Zometa I already get, will help me gain strength. That tumor on my chest didn't grow while I was Tykerb. I want to get back to "normal". I want to travel locally this summer, visit people, have fun. I am in a much better position to do that if I can delay radiation and heavy-duty chemo. Like I said earlier, I'm not convinced that heavier duty chemo is the way to go. I will, however, consider both if there any indications that the cancer keeps progressing this summer. But I don't think it will if I go on Tykerb.

I also decided the night before last that I will probably go on long-term disability this next school year. As I tried to go to sleep, I had morbid thoughts about not being around and concluded that life was too short to stress about work. I really want to spend the next year figuring out a treatment regimen (both western and alternative forms) that will get me into stable disease status. I felt like this last year and a half, I have been doing a half-ass job at work and a half-ass job at healing. Knowing I couldn't put my full energy into either made me feel conflicted all the time, worried about inconveniencing my colleagues, worried I wasn't doing enough for my health, and not having any energy. It's time to devote myself to healing and to let my colleagues get someone in there who can take over my duties so they don't have to wonder and I don't have to worry. At this point, I figure it will be the whole year. This will allow me to really consider a wide variety of options and being proactive instead of reactive with my treatment. I want to develop a range of spiritual and medical practices that will allow me to reach stable disease status. I can only do that if I don't have to worry about work.

When I reached that decision, I smiled and felt some measure of peace, even if I couldn't sleep.

So, that's the plan, man. I'm gonna try to start Tykerb within a couple of weeks of surgery. I will delay radiation until later this summer after I gain strength. I will continue with Herceptin and Zometa and will continue with my turmeric/mushroom paste on the skin tumor. I will gain strength and contemplate the things I can do to reach stable disease. : ) Sounds like a good summer, eh?