UW Clinical Trial - More on Visit 3 Tomorrow

I just wanted to let you all know I haven't dropped off the end of the earth. I'm doing well. A bit tired yesterday and today, but not the eye-droopy fatigue of last week and the week before. I was quite euphoric today - partly because I had more energy, partly because I won't have to travel north for a few weeks, partly because I only had one appointment today. I also saw lots of flowering rhodies (will try to transfer photos from my facebook page). The powers that be must've known I was in a good mood today because when I left my office to pick up Spagedward, I walked through the MU Quad - and was greeted by the songs and chirps of many birds. Lots of them. I didn't really try to figure out how many because it was raining and didn't want raindrops in my eyes. But the sound was very cool! I posted on facebook, "the birds are having a concert in the quad" and they were. One of my friends answered, "I think they were trying to tell you that they were happy that you were happy and wanted to make you happier." Of course! Makes perfect sense.

I even played volleyball tonight. I was tired by the third game, but at least I was out there. I didn't play hard, but it was nice to play regardless. Anyway, got to get to bed - more tomorrow!

"You Look Great!"

Since this has happened to me, I wanted to share this link to a post entitled "Cancer made me beautiful" by Ann in Sacramento.

Several times a week, people say to me, "you look great!" or "You're looking good!". And, I thank them but I do wonder things like, "What? Do you expect me to be at death's door?" And, sometimes, "Well, maybe I look great but I'm tired as all-get-out. And, the swollen lymph nodes under my left armpit (or the lymphedema or healing fractured ribs on the right side) are painful."

It always surprises me because while I try to cultivate happiness by being mindful and aware of each moment, I'm not always happy (my family can attest to this). I worry about finances and I worry about whether or not I can do my job (expending energy teaching is a case in point).

I imagine it's hard for people to figure out exactly what to say to me - this was something my therapist and I talked about last week. There are times when I want people to treat me normally - and I expect myself to try to live life as "normally" as possible. I want to be normal. I don't want to admit that I have limitations to my activities because of cancer. That pisses me off.

On the other hand, I have to be realistic and so I have to communicate to my volleyball teammates that I don't think I can play at the moment - and I feel like I have to make a case to prove to them why I can't. I have to ask my chair to give me sick leave so that I won't have the weekly energy drain that teaching brings - and again, I have to "prove" that I'm "sick enough" or "tired enough" to justify taking the sick leave.

I imagine sometimes that my friends and colleagues don't know what to do because my asking for sick leave (or whatever) runs counter to the way I look and to the way I want to be treated because I want to be normal. So, then I get pissed because I don't think people believe me because I "look great" - if I "look great", I must be a charlatan to want sick leave. So, while I look and act normal most days, I really do need these special concessions and I don't want people to second-guess me.

To get back to Ann's post, she says that she likes it when people tell her she's beautiful. I guess I do, too. It means that my efforts to live life in the moment and to cultivate happiness are working. But I really do need to take some sick leave (not all the time, but after treatments) and take care of myself. I'm not sure that that helps people with the dilemma of how to interact with me . . . but maybe this helps people understand me more.