Treatment Update

Since I wrote my last post, I have had both acupuncture and an Abraxane treatment.

I told my acupuncturist that the satellite tumors aren't going away and I have more of them, plus the whole shoulder joint feels heavy and swollen. So, the acupuncture treatment was designed, in part, to get the energy flowing better. She also gave me an herb that helps with lymph swelling and tumors. I already have greater range of motion in that shoulder and it feels less heavy and less painful. Yay! Plus, I'm doing qigong. The herb also seems to have helped the acne flare-up because it helps remove toxic heat. My face is clearing up!

In addition, I mixed turmeric with aloe vera gel and have been applying that to the wound; I also applied a little bit to the satellite tumors that I see. We'll see what happens with those . . .

As for Abraxane, my total neutrophils count was below the threshold, so I only got half a dose. I hope this means that I'll have a better chance of growing Herminator-2 cells in the next couple of weeks.

So, I'm feeling better. Have a good Sunday!

Loves Acupuncture!

The last couple of days have been kinda tough. I'm worried about the satellite lesions as well as my finances.

As I said in one of my posts yesterday, both the wound care nurse and the surgeon felt that I've plateaued and/or the cancer in the skin in the wound is growing again and that Abraxane may not be as effective as it had been. That's not the kind of news one wants. But it confirmed what I've been feeling for the last week or so. I also feel as if my body is not able to clear the toxins from the chemo as well as it had been - my kidneys were achey as were my leg muscles. So, my acupuncture treatment today was partly geared toward removing the toxins, partly toward giving me energy and partly toward supporting my immune system to fight the tumors. Afterwards, I feel as if a big weight was lifted off my shoulders and I felt happy. I actually felt quite chipper. I finished a lot of paperwork at work today - the final report at NSF, the IRB close out, a change of grade for a student whose final paper got lost in email, and I updated my CV. Yay!

I also realized, as I lay on the acupuncture table, why I have been feeling conflicted about talking about my finances. A couple of friends have asked if there was any way they could help. I was not sure how to answer.

On the one hand, my medical expenses have been well over $5,000 this year. This month, for instance, I've spent about $400 in acupuncture treatments. I'll get reimbursed, eventually, about $200 from insurance (they pay 70% of the actual treatment, but not the herbs). But there have been about $60 in unreimbursed acupuncture treatments and $140 in herbs. The five-mushroom blend that I take is about $65 - and three of the mushrooms have anti-cancer properties. There are herbs that help me sleep, help with digestion, boost my immunity, and for energy. I also had my out-of-pocket expenses, plus travel to Seattle (and a couple of trips to Portland for my son), plus I've had to get 2 crowns replaced ($800 out of pocket) because cancer treatment affect the level of saliva in my mouth, which means that bacteria can thrive and so I ended up with cavities under the existing crowns. While I had help with some of my expenses to Seattle, which covered about 2/3 of the expenses, I still had about $750 or more in out-of-pocket expenses. That represents about 12% of my total take-home pay this year. (I just realized one reason why I'm not paying down my HELOC as fast as I might like - a lot of my discretionary money is going toward medical bills.)

On the other hand, I have splurged on myself - buying hats and scarves, taking little trips to the Coast or to Central Oregon, buying myself a Mother's Day gift, etc., stuff for the house. So, obviously I can afford to do those kinds of things which some people might consider to be luxuries, I obviously do not need to ask readers for any donations. In other words, if I scrimped and saved and didn't spend money on things like I have, then maybe I wouldn't be as stressed out about my finances like I am. It's my fault so therefore I should just tighten my belt.

So, when people offer to help me financially, I don't feel like I can ethically accept money from them because if I can afford to buy myself a hat or a pair of pants, then I don't need the money after all. That's why I feel conflicted. Plus, in our society, unless things are really bad, it's not right to ask for money. I am much better off than a lot of people.

This is why I love acupuncture. I feel lighter and happier today. In fact, after my treatment, my left shoulder and upper arm (which had been feeling heavy) felt lighter and healthier. I plan to start putting a turmeric/aloe vera gel paste on the wound since turmeric has anticancer properties. I also realized why I felt conflicted about the finances. I'd like to ask for money, but I don't feel like I should ask for money because I have splurged on myself. Just realizing why I am conflicted makes me feel better! I want to thank my acupuncturist for helping me today! Thanks, Brodie!

Man, having cancer is complicated! Isn't it?

A Coincidence?

Mr. Exu is really crying buckets. I went through 10 or 12 layers of gauze sponges in about 8 hours today. It was almost an inch thick. My colleague joked yesterday that I should just wear a Kotex under my arm!

The interesting thing is that last week, my acupuncturist started treating me according to a specified treatment given to her by her teacher. It is aimed at releasing old patterns and stagnant energy. The treatment is augmented by the use of essential oils that are dabbed along the Dai Mai (belt channel). I started using the essential oils (3 days on, 3 days off) after I saw her on Tuesday last week and by Friday, Mr. Exu was weeping more. I am on Day 3 the second time again and that armpit is practically gushing.

A coincidence? Is the treatment working to release old patterns, exemplified in weeping fluid from my largest area of worry in that armpit? I think so.

I see my acupuncturist tomorrow and will mention it to her.

In the meantime, I had gigong tonight and it really helped my mood. I was pissy at home all day because I didn't get enough sleep and had to get up early. My task tonight! Turn out the light by 11pm and GET SOME SLEEP!

P.S. Also found out that since our department's office managers duties have shifted because of the "realignment" at the university, she has less time for advising. So this year, I will be our undergraduate advisor, which gets me out of one course for the year. So at this point, I teach one course in fall and one in spring, pus a one-credit Honors College overload. I gave a Humanities fellowship in winter and advising buys me out of another class. Whew. More flexible time for me which is needed.

Relearning Old Lessons

Acupuncture was good for me today. I let out a lot of emotion. B., my acupuncturist, said that I am feeling pain because my body is trying to catch my attention. My task is to figure out what the message is. One message, I think, is acceptance (of the limitations I now have from this disease) and to be okay with uncertainty.

You see, I had this expectation that I would have less swelling in my lymph nodes by 8 weeks post t-cell infusion because that is what happened to the guy who had advanced melanoma. His tumors disappeared by 8 weeks. My 8 weeks are up this Thursday and it's not happening. So I am frustrated because I want to go back to being "normal" with the ability to do all sorts of things like travel. In other words, I want to go back to being busy busy busy.

But the turtles in Hawaii were telling me to slow down. I keep forgetting to do that. Perhaps the pain is reminding me to slow down. To realize that while work is important, then rest of my life is important too and I need to nurture myself and my family just as much.

So B. told me that I should probably get rid of the expectation and let the universe do what it needs to do in its own time, not mine. And to not measure myself in terms of my colleague's output, but slow down. Get off the academic merry go round, so to speak, and just do things in my own time. To accept my limitations (I.e., not do as much as my colleagues) and to accept that maybe I should stop playing softball and be okay with that.

And, to accept that whatever is causing the pain is what it is. I don't need to know why, just realize that "it" is there and to be okay with not knowing. I need to go back to living in the moment. I need to write gratitude lists again. I also need to be okay with uncertainty.

In the end, I am projecting into the future again - thinking about the "what ifs?" and "why" but when you worry like that, you are not enjoying the time you have today. When you constantly wonder why, you forget about all that you are thankful for.

So, thank you for the reminder, B. And thanks for listening, R. And thanks to all my cousins and all the other people who took care of me in Alaska. A big thanks to my parents for taking care of me when I came home. I am sorry that I have been such a pill. Thanks to my son for reminding me what's important.

And, dad, I will try yet again to slow down! LOL

Thinking about My Energy

According to Chinese Medicine, our bodies have energy meridians and the idea of treatment is to encourage the free flow of qi or energy.

I've been seeing an acupuncturist for two years and have learned several qigong forms from her - and qigong is again encouraging the free flow of energy.

In Deepak Chopra's book, "Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul", he says that we should think about our bodies, not as material, physical entities, but rather as energy. He also says that our physical bodies are the interface between the material and spiritual worlds.

So, in trying to heal myself of this cancer, I have adopted the viewpoint that I and my body are made of energy and I try to do things that encourage more energy coming into my body so it can fight the cancer and to counteract the depletion of energy that cancer treatment entails.

To some extent, my desire NOT to teach is a reflection of my current goals with regard to my health: teaching takes a significant amount of energy for me because I'm innately shy. It's a performance. Teaching involves me having to be somewhere at specific times each week. I have so many appointments anyway - I am soo soo scheduled - that the thought of having to do ONE more thing each week is exhausting. It takes energy.

But even though I was tired again today (didn't sleep well last night - partly because of the pain from my swollen lymph nodes - I couldn't get comfortable because I think the lymph nodes are pushing on the radial nerve running up my arm and causing a little bit of stinging and pain going up my arm), I went to a reception for this Environmental Humanities initiative because I am really really interested in it and excited about the possibilities that could come of collaborating with colleagues all across campus. I met a lot of these people for the first time back in November and I hoped to get a chance to chat with them again. Interesting people doing fascinating work. I love these kind of brainstorming, interdiscplinary discussions. So, I showed up tired and came home with energy and a good feeling. I told one of my colleagues (who is one of the people spearheading this initiative) about my decision to do FMLA and her reply was that I need to just concentrate on things that give me energy and so I cried a bit and said that that was why I showed up at this reception. She understood. She was happy that I won't have to teach come spring term. And, she told me of another opportunity that could result in giving me energy . . .

So, the reception was a good thing - more net energy came my way, helped along because several of these colleagues know my medical situation and I know that I can count on their support. This is when I love my job.

CT Scan Results .. . OR My six-month "vacation" is over

As you all know, I had a CT scan last week. My doctor, Dr. K, called me with the results this afternoon. After getting the tumor markers yesterday, I wasn't too surprised to hear that the three spots on my left lung are bigger. He did say, however, that after three months time, they could've gotten a lot bigger. But they grew by about half a cm. The good news is that there aren't any other spots.

So, as I said yesterday, I'm going back on a full dose of Tykerb and I even started taking a smaller dose of Xeloda today. I haven't had Xeloda since December and my last full dose of Tykerb was in mid-January, before my surgery. Since April, I've taken about a half-dose of Tykerb (not consistently). So, that little bit of Tykerb probably helped to keep things from growing too much.

It was my little experiment to see if I could go off the meds. My dad called it "Russian Roulette". I found out that I can't. Things aren't really bad. It could be worse. So, I go back on the two meds and see how things go in three months with a new CT scan and I will also have my tumor markers monitored monthly. I probably won't take that chance again. I've got my son to raise, a life to build with Scott, my house to finish, and the Center for Indigenous Sciences to work on!

I was a little depressed yesterday - both from the tumor marker news and from some other things going on - and one of my friends told me that rather than fighting the depression and the envy, I needed to embrace those emotions since they are part of me - my shadow self. By embracing them, they lose their power. She also told me that I should love my cancer to death - not to my death but to the cancer's death. I need to laugh it to death. That requires a reorientation of my thinking but doable, I believe.

In other news, Scott's wallet was taken today - we think perhaps where he goes to massage school as the charges on his debit came from that same neighborhood. They stole about $200 before he discovered it. The bank will give him his money back - insurance covers that - but it might take a couple of days.

My acupuncturist told me that my challenge will be to retreat - start saying no - and make sure to balance all of my do-er/yang energy with yin/relaxing energy. My parent has been telling me to slow down. Scott wanted us to "chill" this week-end. I guess I best do that, huh? : )

So, not great news. Got a plan, though.

Take care, people! Love ya! Thank you all for your support!

A Relaxing Evening with American Idol

After a very busy evening yesterday doing housework-related stuff, I can relax this evening. I still need to put some clothes away and balance my checkbook and I might work on an article, but for the most part, I plan to stretch and watch Idol.

I saw my acupuncturist today. She worked on my lung meridian. I also mentioned this low back ache that I have on the left side - where the hip bone connects to the sacrum (I think). She did some cupping there on the back and gave me some ideas for stretches that might help. She then speculated that I must be holding on to some emotional thing that is causing my lung congestion. I thought about what I might be holding onto: one is worry, both about the lung situation as well as my family's financial situation (my dad and my brother cannot find work) and the other is some guilt about something that I'm not at liberty to talk about on the blog. So, my goal is to try to let go of some of that and then do some of these stretches.

I then saw my plastic surgeon, Dr. H. His wife performs the laser removal of hair, so next week, I go in to see her and she will remove the "pubes on the boob". Dr. H said they weren't really pubes as they weren't dark and/or curly, but it was definitely hair that originated near that general locale. Also, while his wife is doing laser for the hair removal, they will also use the laser on the TRAM flap scar. Both procedures together should take about 20 minutes. We may do this one or two more times, but it really should be a snap. It's considered part of the whole procedure so no out of pocket expense for me. Yay!

Also, on the abdominal scar, on the left side, the end of the scar is pointed. Probably in late summer, when I'm ready, I can go in for another outpatient procedure and Dr. H will trim that up in order to smooth out the line on that area. It sorta looks like I have a pencil poking out of the skin there - not quite that drastic, of course, but there is a small pointed area of skin. This procedure will only take about 45 minutes to smooth it out. They basically snip off the fat and then they will stitch it up again. There's about a month recovery time, so they suggested that I wait until all my summer activities are over - softball, volleyball, and I may even be able to take Eddie to the swimming pool this year.

All in all, a good couple of appointments!

Okay, on to the stretches!

Plugging Away

No big news, other than I did indeed catch a cold and I'm hoping that its duration is cut in half by taking Zycam - we'll see if it works. I did feel better today than yesterday and I took it all day yesterday.

Gradually crossing things off of my "to-do" list at work. Feels good, but it seems there's a lot more to go . . . job security, I guess.

I had an acupuncture appointment on Wednesday and it seems to have lessened my anxiety about the surgery. On the other hand, I've been fairly busy at work and haven't really dwelled on it.

Just plugging away, I guess you might say. Happy Friday!

Tackling the Calcium Spots in the Bone Marrow

I chatted with my acupuncturist today about what I could do about the spots in the bones. After explaining that the body was trying to contain the colonies of cancer cells by surrounding them with calcium, she then characterized my disease as a "latency", according to Chinese Medicine.

In other words, we have contained the disease and that is an accomplishment. It means that my body is starting to turn the tide. Cancer had the upper hand, but given all the tools I'm using (western medicine, Chinese medicine and acupuncture, meditation, visualization, some other spiritual kinds of activities), we're/I'm finally getting ahead.

But, it has taken a lot of my "wei chi" or righteous chi to get to this point. She said that there are things that Chinese medicine could do to try to get that toxin out of my system (even if it's dead cancer cells), but my righteous chi might not be strong enough now to contain it. We could cause the cancer to gain the upper hand again if we went that route right now.

She advised me to just keep healing, take care of the wound, take care of my body, get adequate nutrition, good sleep at night, don't overload myself at work or stress out with other issues. In other words, keep doing everything I can to heal by resting and taking it as easy as possible. (Note to self: time to start saying no to stuff at work!)

After several months (or however long it takes), we'll revisit the issue when she feels my righteous chi is strong again.

Fair enough. I think that means no major procedures or anything else at this time.

Like Mary said, just keep on keeping on. I may need some help from my loved ones to "just say no!" Can someone tell that to my boss? : )

Actually, I am my own worst enemy there. Since I've been feeling better and more energetic, work-related projects are starting to move forward again. And some colleagues asked me to get involved in a resubmit for one proposal and another one asked me to sign on to a new project. The first is needed and the second sounds interesting and relates to something that I've been asking for from hard scientists for awhile, so I said yes to both (and I don't have to do the major part of the proposal - just add in my two cents). I need to get a handle on them and the other projects I have before signing on to anything else. Especially since classes start soon. Darnit! I wish my sabbatical could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on . . . you get the picture, eh?

Why couldn't that little bugger pick on someone who's healthy?

On Monday morning, about 8:30am, it was a bit cool (maybe 60 or 65). I was walking across the quad to my office when I saw something flit by me about knee level. Some bug, I thought. Then, the damn thing stung me. Ouch!

When I got to my office, I'd already developed a welt about an inch and a half in diameter. I am not allergic to bees, but I do get these rather big welts and swelling. They itch like crazy, usually. Great . . .

But I left it alone, got involved in a conference call, and later that afternoon, I showed it to my friend who was over here cutting down my cherry tree. Lo and behold, there wasn't a welt any longer. There was just a little red bump, so I forgot about it.

Later that evening, I wanted to scratch it, but I left it alone. I congratulated myself because I usually give in to the urge.

But the next morning, I did scratch it, but only around the edge. I had this topical analgesic for insect bites and I rubbed it on the area hoping to numb it.

By lunch, the area of the sting, right below my knee, was swollen. When I got up from my office chair, my knee was stiff. Cripes. I must've released the venom when I used the slight pressure to put on the topical analgesic. I walked to lunch with a colleague, then walked to my car to go to my appointment with the oncologist.

Later that afternoon, the whole area was swollen and red - about 2 to 2 1/2 inches in diameter. But even worse, there was some swelling that went down my shin, to just about 3 inches above my ankles. All told, an area of about 10 inches long (including the red area) and maybe 3 inches wide was swollen. That was Tuesday night.

I put my foot up and the swelling didn't really go down. By the time I went to bed, I was worried and decided to go to Immediate Care the next day if it wasn't better.

Wednesday morning, I headed to Immediate Care after dropping Eddie off at school. The whole area was swollen and the muscles along my shin ached with movement. And, it was itchy.

The doctor there said that he didn't think it was necessarily just a venom reaction. He thought that there just might be an infection. Luckily, I didn't have a fever or any other sign of an infection (a slight sore throat, but that might not be related). So, he's put me on a 7-day course of antibiotics. (He also took out the stinger, which I wasn't sure was there or not.)

I took the first dose with lunch yesterday and I also took Benadryl to help the swelling. But yesterday afternoon, the swelling was still there - it didn't go away - and all I felt was sleepy.

So, just before taking the second dose, I finally figured out something else I could do. I still had some turmeric paste and as I mentioned several months ago, turmeric has antibiotic, antimicrobial, and antifungal properties and is good for skin conditions, generally. I think it may even help remove toxins. So, I put some on with my leg elevated and let it soak like that, like a poultice, for about 20 minutes. Then I cleaned it all off.

By the time I went to sleep an hour or so later, most of the swelling was gone. I used it again this morning and the whole area felt better, although there were times when I could still feel some stiffness.

This morning, my acupunturist put in a needle to help remove toxins along that meridian. She also gave me another topical ointment that will remove toxins.

It's much better - maybe the combo plate of taking out the stinger, antibiotics, the turmeric, the acupuncture, and the other ointment. Who cares? It's healing.

But, sheesh. Seems like the bugger could've picked on someone else. I mean, haven't I been through enough?

Then again, I want to be normal, right? Insect stings might as well get me as someone else.

Just what I need, an equal opportunity bug.

P.S. When I mentioned this to Cat, she said that sometimes bees or other insects "might get into something" that will cause an illness - like the bug may have gotten some kind of bacteria or other toxin on its stinger and transferred it to me. That's a lovely thought.

The Spirit Helper

Within about a week or so after my surgery, after I received the news that there were tendrils of cancer throughout the breast tissue and I was facing the possibility of chemo, radiation, etc., (and I didn't want to go that route unless I absolutely needed to), I was fairly depressed and I despaired of making a decision. That was in late November.

I went to sleep about 10pm one night, after talking to Scott. I fell right out. Then, I sensed something. I struggled to open my eyes, as they felt dried out from the contacts. When I finally could open them, there was a balding man in a robe standing to the right side of the bed. I looked at him. He looked at me with a gaze that was somber - not menacing or happy, but with a resolute look on his face. It scared the bejeezus out of me.

Then, I woke up for real. I opened my eyes and there was no one by the bed. I looked at my alarm clock - 10:40pm. I called Scott (he's a night owl) back right away as I was a bit freaked out.

His first question to me was: "Which side of the bed was he on?" I replied, the right side. Scott said, "that's good". I asked why and he said that if it had been on the left side, it would've been bad news, but the right side is good news. His interpretation was that this visitor (as I came to call him) was trying to tell me that it might be hard but that it would all work out at the end.

I'd just finished reading Bernie Segal's Love, Medicine, and Miracles", which is about a group of Exceptional Cancer Patients who, by virtue of positive thinking (and this is just a quick take on the book) and meditation and visualization, assist in their own cure from cancer.

I found it inspiring so my first thought was that this visitor was Bernie giving me a message. My mom asked if it could possibly be my paternal grandfather. Perhaps.

Then, in June, I read a book entitled "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian Weiss, which is about using hypnosis to learn about past-lives in order to cure people from fears, phobias, disease, etc. Individuals that called themselves "Masters" would occasionally talk to Brian through his patient and teach him things. One point he makes is that we are here on earth to learn certain lessons and I began thinking about what some of my own lessons might be. They included things like rewriting this idea in my head that I don't belong, learning to let go of anger, frustration, and resentment over other people's actions, learning not to try to control or manipulate other people, etc. I mentioned this to my acupuncturist on a Friday and then to Scott, who performed reiki on me on the next day, that my intention was to learn these lessons and let go of certain things. My acupuncturist treated me with the intention of balancing some of these ancestral issues.

And, because of those treatments, I think I have changed. Those issues were toxic to my relationship with Scott. He commented last week that he thinks there has been a big change. I feel it, too, because there have been several times when I could've gotten really angry and then manipulative or turned around a depression, or been resentful of something, but I haven't gone there. My reactions have changed and that's a good thing.

I've since begun thinking of my visitor as one of those Masters. It has been a difficult experience, especially these past six months when I learned I had metastases. But I feel so different inside that I think the CT scan results will come back clean.

Now, I just need to get through this Bat Cave experience. I know I can do it. I've encountered many obstacles in this experience and I made it through. It's interesting phenomenon for me to say this, but, I have faith. I called on this Master or spirit helper to help heal the radiation burn. I called on him to help me with the Stray Cat Strut. I called on him last night when I woke up to start healing this cavity.

And, I woke up in a good mood, thinking, "To the Bat Cave!" Thank you to everyone who help me on this journey by praying for me, sending me blessings and good thoughts and good energy. It has really really helped.

Busy busy busy

Again, I've been off the internet the past few days and so I haven't blogged.

In general, I'm doing well emotionally. Friday was a busy day . . . I had a couple of appointments and coffee with a friend, then I decided to take Eddie to the Marion County Fair that afternoon (it was probably a bit too much and too hot, but he had fun), then I had dinner at my colleague, Nancy's house. She made curry chicken, salad, carrots, and rice. Very yummy!!

Saturday, I went up to Portland and hung out with Scott. We had coffee, then he got his hair cut, then lunch with his daughter, then they had an appointment, then dinner and watch a movie at his place. A relaxing day and it was hot out.

On Sunday, I had coffee with Scott, then came home, picked up Eddie, and we went to my former grad student's daughter's 2nd birthday party, then I had a softball game. Again, it was hot.

Today, I had acupuncture, a meeting with my undergrad research assistant Emily, radiation, and then lunch with another former grad student. It's hot again today - at least 90 and it was only forecast to get to 85. I will play volleyball this evening - I hope it cools down some!

Physically, the skin under my arm and under the breast area is really tender and when I take the dressings off, the tape tends to take a very thin layer of skin off with it, making it even more tender.

And, I have been struggling off and on the past two weeks from tummy problems. Not nausea, necessarily, but more a loss of appetite and when I do eat, I often feel bloated and uncomfortable until I can burp. My acupuncture treated it today . . . I think it made a bit of a difference after lunch today. I didn't feel as bloated. She did say to drink peppermint tea with a bit of ginger in it to help with digestion. Also, I need to avoid heavy foods (no red meats), dairy, shellfish, sugary foods and raw vegetables. So, today for lunch, I had chicken skewers and a salad. I think it made a difference.

I may not be blogging much over the next few days .. . my family and I had to Lincoln City for three nights and three days. We rented a 3-bedroom house with a hot tub on the deck (which I can't go in, but oh well), and a foos ball table and an ice hockey table. Looking forward to cooling down at the coast . . .

In the meantime, my dad and Gooey are building my mosaic platform. Now I need to get to designing it!! Will post pictures of the mosaic and their process of making it after it's completed!

Reiki and throwing plates

Today, Scott drove down and after a late breakfast, he performed reiki on me. Again, I found it interesting that he found certain spots that were painful - places that I was holding on to negative energy and emotion. Between the reiki yesterday and acupuncture today, I've been trying to let go of the sadness and the anger and concentrate on the positive. Some of the thoughts I had were for letting go and also for healing during both sessions. Also, my acupuncturist put seeds in my ears on points responsible for "calming the spirit", "happiness", for sleeping, and for dehydration and supporting the yin, I think. I think it's working because I do feel more myself, less lonely, more happy. It helps that it's sunny.

I also decided yesterday that I would break plates and let go of the anger. But I had some trouble trying to figure out how to do that. When I first got the idea yesterday, I wondered where I could go so that no one would hear me. And, I didn't know what to do with the shards. Then, while talking to dad who was working in my yard, I decided that I should make a mosaic and entitle it, "Letting Go". If someone asked why I was breaking plates, I would tell them that I was making a mosaic.

So, yesterday afternoon, I bought some plates in a variety of colors at Goodwill. After Scott left, I got out the plates and a tarp. I just set the tarp on top of a large stone and then threw a plate at it, but the shards flew everywhere. Then, I draped part of the tarp against the fence and put the plates on the ground on the tarp and threw rocks and that worked, too, but shards flew everywhere. I finally got the bright idea to put all the plates on the tarp right next to a fence and then I folded the other half of the tarp on top of the plates. I anchored down the edges of the tarp with large rocks. Then, I threw rocks at the plates. In this way, I kept all the shards from flying and they were contained in the tarp and I also had the fence as a backdrop so the rocks wouldn't fly everywhere. There are still a few large shards, but a lot of smaller ones. When I told the Mandala Lady my plans today, she said "I just got chills- you definitely need to do that!"

Dad mentioned yesterday that I should put some raised beds on one part of the yard (which really looks bad). I think that I will somehow work a mandala mosaic in between some curved raised beds in that area. Now, I just got to figure out how to do that . . .

Assignment: Gratitude List

After my acupuncture treatment today, my acupuncturist told me to write a gratitude list. After I told her about how I'm feeling - the anger and the loneliness - she decided to put needles in spots associated with suppressed anger and also with letting go. What's interesting is that as she felt around for these spots, they were tender! To me, this tells me that these were areas that had stagnated energy that needed to be unblocked - in other words, I believe that acupuncture really works.

Okay, on to the gratitude list.

I am grateful for my dad, who spent several hours today rototilling my yard so that we could finally plant flower seeds and make a meadow out of that part of my yard.

I am grateful to my parents for taking care of Eddie this morning and generally making my life easier so that I could go to acupuncture, get the rototiller, go to radiation, and meet with Alex, a grad student.

I am grateful to Alex for doing all the technical computer work necessary to get the King Island Gallery online - this gallery will contain the 8,000 digital photos that were taken during the course of the King Island placenames project. Once it's launched on my departmental website, I will post the link.

I am grateful to Scott, who is still willing to be my friend and who will be helping me tomorrow with letting go of the relationship.

I am grateful that my son is happy and healthy. He has been quite patient throughout these past few weeks especially.

I am grateful to my acupuncturist for helping me to deal with cancer and other life events.

I am grateful to Terri and Callie - my radiology technicians - who were very sweet to me today when I told them that I'd been having a rough time.

I am grateful to Cat and Jeanne - who both, in different ways, offered the support I needed via email.

I am grateful to Rick who took time off work today to pick up the rototiller and then to bring it back later.

I am grateful to all of my friends who are sending positive thoughts my way.

I am grateful that the sun is shining and it's warm - finally!!

I am grateful to Karen for getting the paperwork that I asked for completed this week.

I am grateful to my son for being patient with me as I work through all of this stuff.

I am grateful that I have insurance.

I am grateful to my program officer at NSF.

I am grateful to my colleagues who are there for me, too.

I am grateful for love.

Thanks for listening to this . . .

Alien Hickies Again

I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday and because of how I've been feeling lately, Brodie decided to do cupping to acupressure points that have to do with the lung meridian or lung chi. I've been feeling pretty lonely. Between breaking up with my partner, going on a date that wasn't quite right, and then starting radiation therapy this week, I just felt all alone - all my friends are married, none have cancer, and I feel like I'm navigating this whole cancer thing all alone. At any rate, this particular treatment is supposed to help release those negative emotions. So, now I have alien hickies again and I do feel somewhat better! : )



My friends yesterday and today (thanks, by the way to Andrew, Tammy and Rick, and Scott) reminded me that I am not alone and that I can call on them any time and that it's okay to miss my partner, that I shouldn't have to navigate cancer by myself and also that's okay to need someone to just cuddle with sometimes. So, I feel a bit better . . . My family has been great, too, but I still wish I had a partner.

Not Much Going On Today

Another breast cancer survivor, Jeanne from NYC, said in her blog the other day that she really didn't have much to say. Instead, she shared some little tidbits about friends and family. So, I'm stealing her idea and doing the same.

It got pretty hot here yesterday - mid-90s at least. It made me realize that I'm going to have to watch myself as I do seem to be more sensitive to the heat.

But my irises are about to bloom and my rhododendron bush bloomed a couple of days ago. Lilacs are starting to fade, but they are still pretty. Tulips are fading, too, but are still there. Dad put in some red hot pokers a couple of years ago and they all of a sudden sprouted. There was another word I could use . . . but that might imply that I have a dirty mind. LOL

Went to see Dana Carvey at Spirit Mountain Casino Event Center with Josh and Amy, Heather (of My Xeloda fame) and Kevin, and their parents (Steve and I'll have to get their mom's name. Can't remember - I blame chemo brain). It was a hoot - he had a great Reagan oracle bit about the presidential election, a riff on the use of the cuss word (s#&t) in various phrases (Does a bear s@*t in the woods? Are you s*#ttin' me? etc.), and he did a great improv about the neighboring towns of McMinnville, Grand Ronde, and Salem.

Saw my acupuncturist yesterday - no alien hickies. She said that my "san gao" (the triple burner, I think) was strong, slow, and healthy - a good thing. She says that I'm doing what I need to be doing to put that back into balance. My liver chi was still too hot . . . working on that. She offered a qi gong routine in the park this morning - didn't realize how tight many of my muscles were. Note to self: STRETCH every day.

I need to run errands, do some paint touch-ups in the bathroom and clean the house in preparation for Jeanne's visit that begins tomorrow evening. I'll pick her up after my softball game. Let's see if I can play and not injure my big toe anymore. I need to write up a summary for NSF, and draft up a narrative for another small grant proposal.

Otherwise, trying to stay comfortable. It's beautiful out there. Love it! Enjoy your day everyone!

Update on Alien Hickies : )

I forgot to mention yesterday that on Monday night, after I had the "cupping", I slept really really hard - two four-hour stints, which is unusual for me. Last night was more my typical night - I think I woke up 2-3 times. Part of what my acupuncturist is trying to do is to help my body "retreat" (including sleep) so that it could heal. I guess what I'm trying to say is that while my neck looks funny, I think I had a better night sleeping overall because of the cupping.

And, my skin is continuing to heal, although the open wound seems to be weeping more. My guess is that because the wound is still open, and as I do lymph massage underneath the implant, I might actually be massaging the backed-up lymph out of the wound - I'm directing the lymph fluid down and toward the center of my torso, but backed up fluid could really go anywhere to drain and the open wound is a path of least resistance.

Since I've been doing lymph massage in that area under the implant, it seems that the red is starting to fade again (it had gotten more red after I painted the bathroom). Both my massage therapist and the radiation oncologist asked whether or not the red rash was really cancer cells or whether it was red from swelling/lymphedema. It's probably both and no one really knows. This just really shows the limitations of our knowledge of what's going on here.

Still no word yet on when I start radiation. It looks like it may be next week. I do think I have a couple of new little skin tumors growing - hard little nodules under the skin - so I think radiation is the best course to get rid of that.

Yes, I met a handsome alien!

First, let me thank Bev for giving me a new title for this post!! (It was originally, "No, I don't have hickies on my neck!") She was joking with me about them, so I thought I'd share the joke.

So, yeah, I have hickies on my neck - both sides in fact. And, it was a handsome alien. Really. Truthfully.

Not.

Really, though, I had an acupuncture appointment today and as part of the treatment, Brodie did what is referred to as "cupping" (see http://www.itmonline.org/arts/cupping.htm). She applied the technique to my neck, on both sides, to try to release heat. I told her that for the past few days, I've felt more dehydrated than usual and have been drinking a lot of water. My lips also feel really dry. The treatment was supposed to release that heat and also some of the powerful emotions - mostly sadness and disappointment - that I felt last week. The emotions were still hanging on. With traditional Chinese medicine, the goal isn't necessarily to rid yourself of the emotions, but rather to make sure you allow yourself to feel them and then let them pass through you, instead of burying them within yourself where they could fester. When you hold on to them, your body diverts some of your own energy to either containing them or dealing with them, so when you release it, your body is better able to spend its energy, or more of its energy, on other things, like in my case, say, fighting and ridding my body of cancer.

So, yep, I have these red circular hicky marks on the sides of my neck. Wonderful, eh? And, no, I'm not seeing anyone right now! Even if I was, I don't do that hicky thing.

And, I do feel better. I feel calm and on an even keel and in a fairly good mood, especially since it's beautiful and sunny (70 degrees or so) and most of my lilacs have bloomed and I can see some iris buds out there, too. Dad's been working on my yard and it's looking pretty good. Thanks, Dad!

Limitations of Medical Tests and Chemo Toxicity

The life of a cancer survivor (because while I'm a patient, I'd rather be thinking of myself as a survivor) is never dull. I mean, no one's life is ever dull, but here in Cancer Land, it seems that there is always something going on. This week-end is a case in point.

I had an echogram of my heart last Monday, ordered by the cardiologist, who thinks that they are more accurate than MUGA scans for estimating the ejection fraction (EF) of your heart. (See my post entitled "I'm a Medical Puzzle OR Both Good and Bad News".) Dr. Kenyon called me Friday afternoon with the results. According to the echogram (which is an ultrasound of the heart), my ejection fraction is 65! Right up there in the normal range. A strong heart, etc.

So, Dr. Kenyon called the radiologist to ask about the MUGA results, which was 41 (below normal). The radiologist said, "It's possible that I underestimated it". Then he called the cardiologist, who said, "It's possible that I overestimated it".

Will this make a difference in how I'm treated? If you recall, the low EF was the grounds for not giving me onto Herceptin and putting me directly on Tykerb, a relatively new targeted therapy. Herceptin is given via IV and Tykerb is taken as five little orange pills every day.Dr. Kenyon said that, no, we'd continue with the current course. He even consulted with a breast cancer specialist who was down here from Portland. That doctor told him that if Tykerb seems to be working for me, then to keep with it, especially since it doesn't seem to affect the heart as much as Herceptin. I think (my opinion as I'm sitting here typing) is that I do have an increased risk of heart damage, because of the adriamycin I took before, so why push it? In other words, go the route where the long-term side effects may be lessened, which seems to be Tykerb. Okay. Fine with me.

Dr. Kenyon did say something along the lines that there are limits on these tests. I've decided that I'm going to average the two results, which gives me an EF of 53, which is normal. Cool. And, it seems that I won't have to worry about long-term heart damage while I'm on Tykerb.

On to chemo toxicity. Last week, on Tuesday, I started noticing mouth sores. My acupuncturist felt that my body was trying to rid itself of toxic heat, which was manifesting in the mouth sores, the dry skin on my face, how I felt thirsty and dehydrated, etc. I'd also started breaking out, first, with little white pimples, which is what Jeanne Sather in Seattle has had to deal with while on Tykerb. But the past few days, my chin and nose really started to break out with what I call larger, red, angry pimples. Then, Friday night and through Saturday, I noticed that my gums and my lips started to feel inflamed. One of the other moms of a student in Eddie's class brought me enchiladas for dinner on Thursday - I had some on Friday, too. (They were delicious, by the way!!! Thanks, Norma!) On Friday, when the enchilada sauce got on my lips or my gums, boy, it felt like those tissues were going to catch fire! They felt inflamed all through Saturday, even with the pizza I had for lunch. My acupuncturist did tell me to stay away from spicy foods. Now I believe her! I'm not sure I'd say it was painful, but it sure didn't feel good. So, I swished with the aloe vera juice several times last night, to cool things down. I'd also started putting aloe vera gel on my face - to cool things down, keep the skin moist, and hopefully the antibiotic properties of the gel would help the breakout.

I also decided NOT to take the very last dose of Xeloda for this two week period. (I take Xeloda for two weeks, then I'm off a week; I skipped the last dose on day 14.) I figured that my body was trying to tell me that I'd had enough. Guess what, I woke up this morning, and while I still had the little whiteheads, the red, angry, bigger pimples weren't there. My mouth and my lips don't feel inflamed and there's only one sore remaining. It was the right choice. I'll talk to Dr. Kenyon about dosing when I see him on Wednesday.

Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine

I saw my acupuncturist today. Her name is Brodie Welch and she runs Life in Balance Acupuncture here in Corvallis. She's the one who has prescribed some herbs and a five-mushroom pill for me. It was while using the five-mushroom blend (three of the five have anti-cancer properties) that I noticed that the red rash on the mastectomy area stopped spreading.

I'd heard previously that acupuncture can help with nausea, but I didn't seek out an acupuncturist for the chemo treatments five years ago. I told Brodie that I have had a few episodes of nausea with Xeloda and Tykerb, but that they usually went away if I ate something - usually something bland and sweet (those Girl Scout Trefoils are great for that!) - and if I made sure to drink lots of water.

In addition to the nausea, I told her that some of the other symptoms I have are: feeling thirsty and waking up in the middle of the night with a dry mouth, a couple of mouth sores (nothing that interferes with my eating), hot flashes, other menopausal symptoms like vaginal dryness (sorry for being explicit, gentlemen!), and acne. Her interpretation: that I have a lot of toxic heat in my system between the cancer and the chemo drugs and my body is trying to let it escape. She suggested that I drink peppermint tea - it has a cooling effect and can help with nausea - and that I swish with aloe vera juice for the mouth sores, both because it has a cooling effect but also antibiotic properties. I decided to try the aloe vera gel on my face for those same reasons. I'll let you know how that experiment works.

But amazingly, since the acupuncture treatment yesterday, I haven't had any nausea! My stomach and digestive system feel just about normal. Although I had a little bit of a pastry with my toast (since I figured I needed more in my stomach when I took the Xeloda), I don't feel dizzy or nauseous. She also put these carrow (I think?) seeds on my ear, at a few acupressure points. They are taped onto the ear in places that relate to various energetic parts of your body - the liver chi, the stomach chi, the kidney chi, I think one for my lower back (which has been sore since I heard the diagnosis). She also gave me magnets to put onto stomach/nausea pressure points above my wrist. I asked her how they work and she said that the pressure reminds the body to dial into (divert healing energy?) that system to relieve the nausea. Two of the seeds do kinda hurt when I press on them, so maybe that means that they are working to help with the nausea and maybe even the worry and tension.

I bought a book on acupuncture yesterday so that I can understand the whole system better. As an anthropologist, I am interested in how different cultures conceive of health and healing, so I find it fascinating. It's helping, that's all I know, and I want to know why!

Have a great day! I saw this really nice large rhododendron bush blooming on the quad near the MU on my walk to campus today. Big pretty pink blooms! Yesterday, while walking to the acupuncturist's office, I saw lots of miniature daffodils, dwarf irises, crocuses in all colors, and this little white flower that looks like a blue bell. I love spring! It was warm here, too, yesterday - partly sunny and 63 according to my car. Yay!