Monday, August 9, 2010

Relearning Old Lessons

Acupuncture was good for me today. I let out a lot of emotion. B., my acupuncturist, said that I am feeling pain because my body is trying to catch my attention. My task is to figure out what the message is. One message, I think, is acceptance (of the limitations I now have from this disease) and to be okay with uncertainty.

You see, I had this expectation that I would have less swelling in my lymph nodes by 8 weeks post t-cell infusion because that is what happened to the guy who had advanced melanoma. His tumors disappeared by 8 weeks. My 8 weeks are up this Thursday and it's not happening. So I am frustrated because I want to go back to being "normal" with the ability to do all sorts of things like travel. In other words, I want to go back to being busy busy busy.

But the turtles in Hawaii were telling me to slow down. I keep forgetting to do that. Perhaps the pain is reminding me to slow down. To realize that while work is important, then rest of my life is important too and I need to nurture myself and my family just as much.

So B. told me that I should probably get rid of the expectation and let the universe do what it needs to do in its own time, not mine. And to not measure myself in terms of my colleague's output, but slow down. Get off the academic merry go round, so to speak, and just do things in my own time. To accept my limitations (I.e., not do as much as my colleagues) and to accept that maybe I should stop playing softball and be okay with that.

And, to accept that whatever is causing the pain is what it is. I don't need to know why, just realize that "it" is there and to be okay with not knowing. I need to go back to living in the moment. I need to write gratitude lists again. I also need to be okay with uncertainty.

In the end, I am projecting into the future again - thinking about the "what ifs?" and "why" but when you worry like that, you are not enjoying the time you have today. When you constantly wonder why, you forget about all that you are thankful for.

So, thank you for the reminder, B. And thanks for listening, R. And thanks to all my cousins and all the other people who took care of me in Alaska. A big thanks to my parents for taking care of me when I came home. I am sorry that I have been such a pill. Thanks to my son for reminding me what's important.

And, dad, I will try yet again to slow down! LOL

No comments: