Anniversary Reflection

One year ago today, I found out that I had breast cancer again.

My first diagnosis was on August 15, 2002. I had a lumpectomy with sentinel node dissection, four rounds of AC (adriamycin and cytoxan), 6 1/2 weeks of radiation, and then 4 1/2 years of tamoxifen.

One year ago today, I was stunned to learn that it had returned (if indeed it had ever left and tamoxifen kept things at bay). My cousin Toni was here visiting and she took some pictures of me and had others take pictures of her and me at that time. My eyes looked haunted - like a deer caught in the headlights. I'll have to see if I can locate those photos - I think she sent them to me.

I hated chemo the first time and I had no desire to do that again. However, the pathology report stated that my "tumor" was only 3mm. So, while stunned and scared, I was also quite hopeful that I would have surgery (a bilateral mastectomy) and reconstruction and be done with the whole thing.

One year ago today, if I had known what I was in for . . . I might've crawled into a deep dark hole and never emerged. I might've been overwhelmed by all that has happened to me.

But it seemed that I had reason to be hopeful. So, I started collecting boob jokes and had a Boob Ball. Injecting humor into my diagnosis and then recovery seemed to make people more comfortable and able to talk to me about it.

I could talk about all the bad things that happened. But I already have. Been there. Done that. It's all (or most of it anyway) is in my blog. I could also talk about the pink ribbon marketing and how irritating it is. But I refuse to let all that pink ribbon stuff get me down. It's not worth it for me to talk about it.

I'd rather talk about the positives.

Sunil (one of my colleagues) told me today that from the research he's found regarding tumor markers and specifically the CA 15-3, doctors tend to think a good result with Stage IV metastatic cancer is if the tumor marker numbers decrease by 5-10% from its high point and stays there. Let's see. A 5% decrease would be 1.8 to 3.6 points, giving a tumor marker number of 34.2 to 32.4. My marker was 14.5.

That's a decrease of 60.4%, people!!

And, the other marker - the CEA - has had a decrease of 45-55%.

Other positives:
- I am feeling better - more energetic - and sleeping better at night.
- I feel happy and at peace - I have tried to do a lot of work dealing with some of my core psychological issues, like holding onto angry and frustration and the feeling of not belonging. I've learned a lot about myself. I think it has made my relationships with my friends, family, and colleagues much better than they were previously.
- My son is healthy and doing well in school.
- Scott and I are back together and his daughter is doing better, too.
- I still love my work.
- I have made many new friends, both in person and through blogging.
- I live in a great place, surrounded by natural beauty.
- I'm learning to balance my work with my life.
- I started tapping more into my artistic side - with coloring and creating mandalas and the mosaic in the backyard.
- I have collected a lot of boob jokes.
- My tumor markers are well within the normal range and there is no evidence of disease in my skin.
- I have learned a lot about alternative medicine and I really like the people who give me care.
- I am thankful for all the support that everyone has given me - I am truly blessed.
- I am thankful for all of my care providers - my oncologists, my therapist, my acupuncturist, and my massage therapist - and my plastic surgeon. People often ask me why I didn't seek care out of my small college town, but I've found all that I need right here.
- My family has been really really wonderful.

I bet I could go on and on and on and on. The important thing is that I'm here and doing well and moving on. It's been a very challenging year and one that I hope I never ever have to repeat it in this lifetime.

But, it's also showed me what wonderful people surround me. Thank you all!