Saturday, August 13, 2011

Being Truthful

Yesterday, I decided to be truthful on facebook and got such an outpour of support that I wanted to say thank you.

My dad says I always put a good face on everything and mentioned that no one else really sees what I am going through. In the end, this week, I have been crying a lot and worried that I am on a downward spiral. Dad reminded me that my blood counts are good, the tumors aren't growing, and I am doing treatments to keep more things from growing. My weight is stable, too.

But there are side effects, including pain and fatigue and nausea. The nausea and fatigue should start going away in the next few weeks. I am not sure of the pain, though. I hate being on pain meds, but if it means I can start operating somewhat normally soon, then so be it. I am on the fentanyl oath, but take an additional dilaudid every few hours. Dilaudid makes me tired, which is okay for continued rest.

I am not really good company right now and sorta just want to hole up at home and rest. I will let people know when I am feeling upmto visitors. Thanks to Jeanne for giving me permission to be lousy company.

As people remind me, I have been through a helluva lot these last few months. Four surgeries, pus three weeks of radiation with two more to go. I will ask my parents today to do a light massage on mt left arm to try to move the fluid into my back and lessen how fat my arm is. That might help decrease the pain. I think the numbness in my right middle finger is better, but it is hard to tell. Because of the numbness in my right fingers and the swelling in my left, I can hardly lift anything.

I just hate feeling so weak and shaky. But time heals, right? Just got to give it time.

Thank you to everyone for reminding me of my strength. I don't feel strong,but maybe now I am drawing on that strength to get me through the next few weeks.

Another big thank you to my family for helping me and taking Eddie on outings. I hope to do that again soon.


j said...

Sweetie (I am normally not the type to call people "sweetie" but this word just insists on being used), I try to imagine what you're going through, and I get stuck. I hope you continue to put out there whatever you feel like communicating -- good, bad, indifferent -- you say what YOU want to be said... and we will all be here, listening, caring, thinking of you. For me, sometimes I think just being able to put things into words, to name them, makes them a little easier for me to handle. On an separate but kinda related note, I continue to get a kick out of the "word verification" words. Today's is "porshaug". Is there any thing you're dealing with that could be named "porshaug"?! Continue to take good care of yourself. Thinking of you. xo

MisAnthropology said...

I could well imagine myself wanting to always put on a good face if I were in a similar position. In fact, people in my family have a very hard time letting each other know when they are having health or other problems, because they don't want to "worry" anybody. It's understandable. Thinking you are a cause of worry to other people carries with it its own stresses. However, the stresses of worrying over others and being a worry to others comes with the territory; it's part of the full catastrophe of being human. Find a philosophical cubbyhole to temporarily store away the stress caused by all that circular worrying over being a worry. It will never go away completely, but putting it in a box and sticking it up in some closet will help you take care of yourself now.