Getting Weepy and Some Reflections

Twice in the last couple of days, I've gotten weepy. It was when two different individuals - one on Tuesday and one on Wednesday - made a comment about the way that I deal with uncertainty. I was chatting with both them about these spots on my lungs. I can't remember exactly how the one on Tuesday phrased it, but I did tear up. On Wednesday, however, K. said, "I don't know how you can keep smiling" - this was after I said that I'd been a little worried after reading my CT scan results on Tuesday.

I read another blog in which the author said that someone said, "I'm proud of you" and the person started crying. I completely understand that upwell of emotion. Not sure where it stems from. Perhaps it's because we don't feel that we deserve these kinds of comments? That really, we're scared little kids sometimes and are faking it? Wondering how we can both be strong and scared silly at the same time?

I'm not sure. I don't think I'm faking it when I smile. Sure, there are kernels of worry there, but I do work hard at not letting them grow. I was reading Andrew Weil's book last night, Spontaneous Healing, and in the section that had to do with mind/spirit, he suggested that rather than focusing on worrying about cancer, you should instead focus your mind's attention on everything your immune system is doing to fight it. Imagine your immune system, the chemo drugs, etc., doing their job to keep it all at bay. Focus on the positive, in other words.

I read that before bed and after I'd done some qigong. I have to admit, even though I am taking Tykerb (not a full dose), and usually Tykerb messes with my sleep, I did sleep okay last night, if not long enough. I had a good four hour stretch where I didn't wake up, which is really an improvement over a few months ago. I've been making sleep a priority and I seem to be stringing together these four to five hour stretches more often. I need to get better about the qigong, though. I think it does help me sleep. Also, I've done qigong three times this week, right before bed, and I notice that the stiffness in my hips seems better. The particular qigong form that I do, Eight Treasures, was developed in order to help creaky joints. Hmmm . . .

I have also not been great about coloring mandalas. I colored a few after surgery, but I haven't colored lately. It helps, too.

The day has ended up sunny and in the mid to high 60s today. Can't beat that! I also drove members of Eddie's class to the movie theater today - we watched "Earth". It was narrated by James Earl Jones and was really beautifully shot. There was some predator/prey shots, too, but they stopped short of actually showing animals die. I really enjoyed it and recommend it!