Thursday, April 30, 2009

Getting Weepy and Some Reflections

Twice in the last couple of days, I've gotten weepy. It was when two different individuals - one on Tuesday and one on Wednesday - made a comment about the way that I deal with uncertainty. I was chatting with both them about these spots on my lungs. I can't remember exactly how the one on Tuesday phrased it, but I did tear up. On Wednesday, however, K. said, "I don't know how you can keep smiling" - this was after I said that I'd been a little worried after reading my CT scan results on Tuesday.

I read another blog in which the author said that someone said, "I'm proud of you" and the person started crying. I completely understand that upwell of emotion. Not sure where it stems from. Perhaps it's because we don't feel that we deserve these kinds of comments? That really, we're scared little kids sometimes and are faking it? Wondering how we can both be strong and scared silly at the same time?

I'm not sure. I don't think I'm faking it when I smile. Sure, there are kernels of worry there, but I do work hard at not letting them grow. I was reading Andrew Weil's book last night, Spontaneous Healing, and in the section that had to do with mind/spirit, he suggested that rather than focusing on worrying about cancer, you should instead focus your mind's attention on everything your immune system is doing to fight it. Imagine your immune system, the chemo drugs, etc., doing their job to keep it all at bay. Focus on the positive, in other words.

I read that before bed and after I'd done some qigong. I have to admit, even though I am taking Tykerb (not a full dose), and usually Tykerb messes with my sleep, I did sleep okay last night, if not long enough. I had a good four hour stretch where I didn't wake up, which is really an improvement over a few months ago. I've been making sleep a priority and I seem to be stringing together these four to five hour stretches more often. I need to get better about the qigong, though. I think it does help me sleep. Also, I've done qigong three times this week, right before bed, and I notice that the stiffness in my hips seems better. The particular qigong form that I do, Eight Treasures, was developed in order to help creaky joints. Hmmm . . .

I have also not been great about coloring mandalas. I colored a few after surgery, but I haven't colored lately. It helps, too.

The day has ended up sunny and in the mid to high 60s today. Can't beat that! I also drove members of Eddie's class to the movie theater today - we watched "Earth". It was narrated by James Earl Jones and was really beautifully shot. There was some predator/prey shots, too, but they stopped short of actually showing animals die. I really enjoyed it and recommend it!


Carver said...

I know for me, I'm more likely to get weepy when someone is nice to me or if I'm in a lull. Not sure why. If I'm in the middle of dealing with something and at a time I might break up, I'm less likely to.

I used to to qigong. I don't have the balance for it now (not to mention how overweight I am) but I find that when I was doing it and also during awareness through movement based in part on Feldenkrais, I got emotional afterwards on my way home. This was before I had melanoma so it wasn't that but I did get weepy after both of those when I did them with a group.

I hope you have a great weekend.

Dee said...

I do the same thing, Carver. I'm more likely to cry when someone is nice - like I used to cry all the time when I talked about people who brought me dinners.

I've gotten weepy a couple of times during acupuncture and once during a Reiki session. I think my acupuncturist might say that we get weepy because the movement of energy from qigong or Feldenkrais or acupuncture helps you to let go of whatever negative emotion you might have.