Still Alive

Hello. I'm still alive, though I'm really weak. I can't get up on my own. It's so bad that I have to wear diapers because I can't even get to the bedside commode. My family was here for Thanksgiving, but I slept too much. I'm going to sign off because my voice is weak. I love you all.

(note: My apologies but this is all of Deanna's message that I was able to decipher. There was a little more, not much, but her voice is very faint.)

This Might Be My Last Post

Hello. I'm not sure if this is going to be my last posting or not. If I feel well enough later in the week, I'll post again. In the meantime I'm feeling much weaker today. I can barely make it to my bathroom without trembling. My legs are very, very weak. 

I don't know how much I have left in me, maybe another week. But don't be sad, be happy for my passing cause I'm going on a wonderful journey. I'm not sure where, but if you miss me just think about me and I'll be there- wrapping you with my spirit, keeping you comfortable, wishing you well.

You've all been great people to me, especially lately with all the gifts- gifts of money and time, meals for me and my family, and flowers. I really appreciate all the Jamba Juice certificates.  

I hope you all are doing well.

Please Understand

Just a quick note. I didn't mean to be so harsh in my last blog. When I went back to read it it sounded harsher than I intended. But I would appreciate no more visitors because I'm just getting so tired. I hope you all understand. Talk to you later.

No More Visitors, Please

So I guess the cat's out-of-bag. I'm at that stage where I only want family around me and no visitors. I feel like I've said good-bye to my colleagues and to my work.  Whatever needs to get done will get done, and I don't need to worry about it.  So I would appreciate it if you would respect my wishes and not visit anymore. It's just been too hard between my dry throat and the thrush, and I'm feeling a lot weaker. I need help getting up from my bed and I need the walker. I just feel too weak to have visitors. Thank you for understanding.

Eating Watermelon

Hello. Today is Monday. Sorry I didn't post anything yesterday.  No nausea so far today. I've been eating a lot of watermelon and I think I'm going to get constipated, but I'll worry about that later.

Thank you all for paying attention to the number of visits. Today Chris is coming to visit me, then I have wound care and sponge bath. So I keep busy, regardless of whether or not I receive visitors. Tomorrow Brenda and Leah are coming, so I would appreciate it if nobody else came on Tuesday. It takes a lot of energy to have visitors, and my voice doesn't hold out. Cat is also bring by food.

But yey! no throwing up, no dry heaves, no nausea. I even had a little Ativan to go to bed, cause it helps to calm me down. Other than that my thrush and dry mouth are doing okay. I wish I could eat more, but at least I'm eating something.

Mary told a nice story in one of the comments about a woman named Catharine of Sienna who was almost anorexic, and stayed alive for years on just water. It just made me think, where did she get her strength? I mean I don't have any strength. Then it makes me wonder about anorexics and bulimics. You know they're so skinny, where do they get their strength. Just random thoughts.

Anyway, hope you're all doing well. Talk to you soon.

Watching Harry Potter

I've been watching Harry Potter all day. I also managed to get down some more watermelon. I did have some dry heaves this morning, but that was because my legs and arms were shaking with anxiety like I had a couple of weeks ago in the hospital. So my dad gave me a little bit of Ativan under the tongue and I ended up dry heaving that. But the shakes went away so hopefully I won't need any Ativan tonight. I also figured out that I haven't been shaking my legs and feet as much as I had been. So I'm gonna do more of that so hopefully I won't get the shakes again tonight.

I continue to be awed by colleagues who are sending notes and cash, and I just want to give a big thank you to them. I really appreciate it. I got another check in the mail today for Eddie. I could use it for his tuition, but I think I might set it aside for his Christmas use. 

Not much is new. I hope you all are well. I guess I'm doing okay, but I still have the thrush. I appreciate those of you who agreed to wait to visit until the thrush is gone. Thank you.

Happy Veterans Day

Hello. Happy Veterans Day for all you out there today.

I have been reluctant to have visitors due to the thrush in my mouth, how hard it is for me to talk, and how dry my mouth gets after just saying a few words. So I guess for the next week or so if you could keep your visits to a minimum I would appreciate it. It's just too hard on me and hard on my voice.

But I am better. I finally ate some watermelon today for the first time in about a week and a half. Yesterday I asked the wound care nurse if she had heard stories of how long women had lasted only drinking water and other fluids. She said the longest they have on record is 70 days, or about 10 weeks. I guess I don't have to worry about that because I had watermelon today.

The physical therapist stopped by today and she is going to put in a raised toilet seat for me. I hate to say it but it is getting difficult for me to stand up from sitting on the toilet. Other than that, the mattress is feeling wonderful. Not much else is happening. 

I hope you all had a good day and I will talk to you tomorrow.

Stories about me

Hello. I haven't posted in a couple of days and I apologize for that. I am feeling a little bit better though. My nausea is better, but I have been having some dry heaves early in the morning. I'm not sure what from, but they don't last long. It does make me afraid to eat anything solid, because I am heaving the fluid that I am drinking.

Other than that, I didn't post yesterday because my tailbone was sore. But now I have a wonderful mattress pad that alternates air every so often. I can barely feel it but it's nice. I also had wound care and a sponge bath today.

Anna at NSF gathered together stories about me from my colleagues: individual letters that they each wrote. Two other colleagues of mine, Joan and David, dropped them off. It was really touching to receive, though I haven't yet read through all of them. There's 30 or more stories to read, and a bunch of pictures at the back. I'll go through it slowly, as time goes by. So that was really nice to receive.

A couple of my students also dropped by for a quick visit. I have been getting some visitors that just drop by, although it's better to schedule because of wound care and all that. I guess people understand that if they do just pop in I might have wound care.

Yesterday I had a visit from my office manager. I hadn't talk to her in awhile, so that was nice.

My thrush is also still kind of bad so my voice sounds funny and my mouth gets dry really quickly. I'm not sure what to do about that. Just keep swishing with the Nystatin, I guess. 

Well that's about it. Hope you all are having a good evening. I'll talk to you soon. Bye!

A Big Global Thank You

I had a very busy day today, so I'm really tired. I didn't expect it to be quite so busy. First I saw the wound care nurse, then a colleague came by, then I had a visit from a friend and her family who live in Bend. Then I had an unexpected visit from Brenda and we talked for about an hour and a half.

This was my day to write thank you's. I just want to give a big general THANK YOU to everyone. People have dropped off meals, gift cards for Jamba Juice, flowers and little gifts, paid me visits, given me money, and given Eddie money for tuition next year. I've receive so much that I can't really name everybody who has given me stuff. So I want to give a big global thank you to everybody who has contributed, or given our family food, or helped out in some way. I just want to say thank you. 

I did find out from Beth, the woman in Bend, that my program officer wants to contribute money to the book about King Islanders that I want to get out. For that I'm very thankful to Anna at NSF. She's been so sweet to me. 

Once again, A BIG GLOBAL THANK YOU to everyone who has helped. It really helps me. 

I hope everyone is doing well.

Feeling Better but Weaker

Hello. My nausea seems to be under control. I've also had thrush, which is slowly getting better. I'm waiting for the thrush to be completely gone before I try eating, then I'll go back to eating my applesauce and watermelon at first and see what happens. But that might be a couple of days away. In the meantime I seem to be getting weaker, although I am feeling a little bit better.

Dad put Christmas lights out in the back so now during the early evening when it's getting dark, I get to see pretty lights outside my window.

I haven't really done much, just tried to make sure I'm drinking some fluids. I take the Nystatin for the thrush in my mouth, mom gives me the suppositories, and I have the Fentanyl patches. That's all I'm taking. I've really trimmed down what I'm taking in terms of medication, and I think that's a good thing.

Hope you're having a good evening. Talk to you later!

A Better Day

Today has been a much better day, in terms of nausea. We figured out that one of the drugs they were having me take as a supplement was actually giving me the dry heaves. So I haven't had any dry heaves since I quit taking it.  All I've had is a Compazine suppository, and that seems to keep the nausea at bay. I still don't have much of an appetite and I'm all skin and bones. I don't know how long my body will be able to keep that up. But hopefully the nausea will get under control so I can eat.

I'm trying to keep tabs on what else I'm doing. I still have to make some changes to the will, a gift of stock to my son. We did it wrong the first time so we have to do it again, and have it notarized. And I need to get a new child support agreement done. Hopefully my sister can help me with the child support and the will, then I'll feel like two heavy things that have been weighing on my mind are done.

As far as my book goes, I haven't touched base with my friend yet to see where things are at. I know she's busy with school; so is my other student.

That's about it. I hope you all have a good evening. I wish you well.

Dry Heaves and Nausea

For Thursday.

Hello. I started out the day feeling better, but I ended up having dry heaves again around 6:00, or maybe even 5:30 when Allison was visiting me. So now I'm apprehensive again about my belly and nausea. Finally had a bowel movement, but I needed a suppository to do that. Mom's been helping with the suppository, which I need to get twice a day to help with the nausea.

Other than that I've just been watching tv. I've had three visits from hospice, and one from Allison, who gave me a lot of news about what was going on on campus, which was nice. But she talked more than I did, cause it's hard for me to talk. 

I guess I don't have much else to say.Talk to you tomorrow. Hope it's better. Bye!

More Nausea

Wednesday afternoon.

Basically it's been a bad day for me today. I started off with dry heaves last night and this morning, and I've had nausea off and on all day. I need to get that under control and then I'll feel a little more human. In the meantime I've had visitors that I've had to turn away and I apologize. I'm sorry I didn't get to visit much with Barb, or Heather, Kevin and Meg. And then I cancelled the appointment with Lenea and MaryAnn and Bev, so I apologize for that. 

Anyway, we'll see how I'm doing tomorrow. I hope you're all having a good night. Talk to you later.

Tech Troubles, but back on track

Hi Everybody. Sorry I haven't blogged in a couple of days but there were some technical difficulties between my email, having enough memory, and sending voice recordings to Rebecka to post.

It's been kind of an up-and-down weekend and early week so far. What seems to have done the trick is the Compazine suppository, which means (long story short) I've been able to keep some fluids down at least. The Phenergan and Zofran weren't quite doing it. I also decided to start taking steroids again, just in case my head was swelling and causing the nausea. What I really want to be is nausea and pain free, so that I could eventually do some work. I'm still getting things under control so I haven't really done much.

I have received a lot of nice gifts. I told you about Margret's Pomo Medicine Basket. A girlfriend gave me a check, a fairly large check, for Eddie's slush fund that he can use for whatever he wants one day. I just had a colleague stop by around lunch time and he brought flowers and Ganesh, who will help me on my journey- whatever my journey might be. He also shared some Hindu words of enlightenment and ways to look at things that will help quite a bit.

I've had a lot of visits from hospice. I tried to do my own suppository in the middle of night last night, but didn't quite get it. So a little before 7am we called hospice and within 10 minutes Mary Lou was here to give me my suppository. And I've been feeling a lot better ever since. I need to learn how to give them to myself, or have my mom learn how to give them to me.

I can't really think of anything else, but if I can get this nausea and constipation under control I think I will be able to get a lot more done.

Hope you're doing well. Talk to you later!