This may be a bit of a surprise for all of you, but I've decided to discontinue with chemotherapy. I've spent the entire time since my last chemotherapy feeling nauseous, and I've thrown up several times. I've decided I just don't want to spend my time that way, with lack of appetite. I've lost 15 lbs in three weeks. I've decided that's not the kind of life I want to end with. It's a hard decision because I wanted to do everything possible to fight to be around for Eddie as long as I could. But apparently that's not in the cards.
When I woke up this morning, after having talked with Dr. Kenyan yesterday, I felt perkier and happier (but a little sad of course). But I felt better about my physical self and I felt a little bit stronger. When I asked Dr. Kenyan what he would advise, he said if you were my wife I would tell you to discontinue with treatment because the chemotherapy will buy you, at most, two weeks to four months. Whereas if I went off the chemotherapy I will have two weeks to two months maybe, but those are just guesses. I'm expecting that I may be able to do more. I would like to be around until after Christmas, to be here for Eddie.
Please don't say anything to Eddie just yet. I want to talk with him but won't get a chance until later this weekend. I want to talk to him and spend some time with him so that he can understand the situation. I really think it's the best situation for all of us. And even though Eddie won't have me around much longer, he'll have a more energetic mom around. That's what I want. Someone who has a little more strength, a little more energy, and a little more ump to them. All I've really been doing is sleeping and resting.
I had to go the hospital again the day before yesterday. I had been so nauseous that I lost a lot of fluid and they gave me a different anti-nausea pill and saline solution. Now that I've talked to Dr. Kenyan and made the decision to stop chemo, I feel a lot better.
16 comments:
You are such an amazing person. I admire you more than you can know. You intuitively know that this is the best step for you and in the past, you have always known what is best for your survival. I truly believe that you have special insight. You are wise and I suspect that this is a good decision... I wish it were not so.
My heart is breaking for you and your family right now Dee. I understand your decision and how hard it must have been to choose this path. Right now I am at a loss for words.
(((HUGS)))
You and your family are in my heart and in my prayers. You are a strong, beautiful Native woman who has had a huge impact in my life. Words cannot thank you enough. Much love and respect.
Mmm. Mmmm. I've been resting here with my eyes closed trying to take all this in... wiling you much continued strength, and peace for the times to come. You are a gift, my friend. You are such a gift.
Let's try this again. I high-fived you when you announced your decision to your Mother and I. I totally support your decision. We would rather have you a little more alert with a little more energy and able to interact with us, especially your son than to have you for a longer period of time where you are nauseated all of the time, sick, disoriented and only sleeping all of the time. You said that your heart felt lighter with this decision which means your spirit is also lighter. Strangely enough, my heart and spirit feel lighter also. However long we have you, we will make the best of the time alloted. I am glad you are my daughter and love you very much. Peace, hugs and love!
Dad
Forgive me if the only words I now find are those of Luhui's -- which I will repeat here: "You and your family are in my heart and in my prayers. You are a strong, beautiful Native woman who has had a huge impact in my life."
Deanna, I am so glad that you've made a decision. Which I am sure is the most difficult by far. For me, as it with others - it is the most difficult to hear/read. Know this - you are loved, you are amazing, you have touched many lives. I love you. You have lived a good life. I want the days ahead to be filled with bittersweet happiness, joy, friendship and time well spent with your son and your family. I will always hold you close to my heart. Love Charlene
Bobby and I will keep you and your family in our prayers. What a tough decision...just heartbreaking, really. I am so sorry for all of you. You have proven yourself over and over. May your remaining time be blessed with love and peace. Godspeed.
Mo Koezuna
In the abstract, your whole journey through all of this has been gut wrenching, but your pluck and sense and sensibility have been anything but gut wrenching. In the abstract, it's sad, but in the specific details, it's... hmm... what is it? It's some word that means inspiring, but with a hell of a lot more punch.
In reality, any one of us could go at any moment. A lot of us get to lazily breeze through pretending that this reality doesn't exist, unless and until advanced age makes it hard to avoid. Staring that one down head on at our age is a top drawer act of courage. Your family is hella courageous, too.
I support your decision. You are doing what is right for you and will have quality time with your son.
I am so glad you are alive. Every moment I have seen and talked with you, you have been filled with energy greater than anyone else around. It is amazing to read that no matter what challenge you face - the high seas of the Bering Sea, being the voice of Inupiaq ancestors, professing at a leading university, being a single mom, or living with cancer and doing all those things - you do it with more strength and grace beyond measure. I thank God for everyday that you have. I thank you for reminding me of how precious they are, especially with our children.
Dee your are so couragous and have fought a long hard battle. My heart is breaking but that's part of being human. You know what is best for you and your family.
Remember you will always be loved and I am so glad I have as a "sister"
Dee you are such an amazing person. You have fought a long hard battle. My heart is breaking, but I realize that is part of life. Remember you loved by many people. You know best what it right for you and hopefully you'll not be so sick. You have been an inspiration to me with your courage. I know we all POP models are giving you a GREAT BIG GROUP HUG........
Thank you Dee for being who you are. Tough decision you made. Enjoy the next chapter with your son, friends, family etc. Keep writing. Blessings and Hugs.
Oh no! I just read this. I am so sad. I wish I had words and I wish I had magical powers to make everything better. You have been so courageous through all of this. I'm glad I met you Dee, and I'm glad I got to be your friend for awhile.
Dee, We love you very much. You are so brave and wise. You truly fought with everything in your heart and soul (and then some!) Big hugs to you. We love you and Eddie and God is holding you close!
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