This may be a bit of a surprise for all of you, but I've decided to discontinue with chemotherapy. I've spent the entire time since my last chemotherapy feeling nauseous, and I've thrown up several times. I've decided I just don't want to spend my time that way, with lack of appetite. I've lost 15 lbs in three weeks. I've decided that's not the kind of life I want to end with. It's a hard decision because I wanted to do everything possible to fight to be around for Eddie as long as I could. But apparently that's not in the cards.
When I woke up this morning, after having talked with Dr. Kenyan yesterday, I felt perkier and happier (but a little sad of course). But I felt better about my physical self and I felt a little bit stronger. When I asked Dr. Kenyan what he would advise, he said if you were my wife I would tell you to discontinue with treatment because the chemotherapy will buy you, at most, two weeks to four months. Whereas if I went off the chemotherapy I will have two weeks to two months maybe, but those are just guesses. I'm expecting that I may be able to do more. I would like to be around until after Christmas, to be here for Eddie.
Please don't say anything to Eddie just yet. I want to talk with him but won't get a chance until later this weekend. I want to talk to him and spend some time with him so that he can understand the situation. I really think it's the best situation for all of us. And even though Eddie won't have me around much longer, he'll have a more energetic mom around. That's what I want. Someone who has a little more strength, a little more energy, and a little more ump to them. All I've really been doing is sleeping and resting.
I had to go the hospital again the day before yesterday. I had been so nauseous that I lost a lot of fluid and they gave me a different anti-nausea pill and saline solution. Now that I've talked to Dr. Kenyan and made the decision to stop chemo, I feel a lot better.
I appreciate all of you out there who have given me support, wishing me long life. I wish I was, and maybe I will. I'm never going to say never. I'm not giving up; I guess it's just time to lay down, or rather just let things go. So thank you very much and I'll be around. Take care!