Wednesday, May 7, 2008

A bunch of jokes

My friend, Karen, is putting together a poster for when she does the Relay for Life. She asked me to send her more jokes. So, I typed a few up that people gave me and then I found the website where a lot of jokes can be found. The result of what I sent to Karen is below. There are a lot of jokes there, so you may need breaks! Enjoy!

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From Jeff Foxworthy:

If you think a 401K is your grandmother's bra size, you might be a redneck.

My 62 year old wife was thinking about doing a boob job. I told her, "You gettin' a boob job would be like hangin' a new chandelier in a haunted house!"
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The new Wonderbra:
The designers of Wonderbra, encouraged by the success of their bra for under-endowed women, have developed a bra for overly-endowed women. They've named it the Sheep Dog Bra. It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

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Jiffy Boob:
Owing to the advance in medical technology,surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.
They are going to call the practice, "Jiffy Boob."

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A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement.

He tells her, 'Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'

She did this every day faithfully and after several months ... It worked! She grew great boobs! One night she went to a party, got trashed, and went home with some strange guy. In the morning when she woke up, she didn't know where she was, so she took a shower and left for work.

On the bus she realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby asked her, 'Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?'

'Why, yes, I do. How did you know?'

'Hickory dickory dock ...'
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The rest of the jokes can be found at: http://www.ncbuy.com/humor/searchpg.html?srkey=breasts&srsty=any&srcat=joke&navpage=1&page=1


True Love Prevails
A young man had been seriously dating three lovely young women and finally found himself faced with the dilemma of which one to marry. As a test, he gave each of the women one thousand dollars.
The first girl decided to go for a complete hair and face makeover and new wardrobe. She returned to show off her new look and said, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why, you ask? Because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new golf equipment, new TV, DVD player, stereo and a month's supply of beer and said, "I've purchased all these things for you, dear. They are my gifts to you because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to multiply, and returned the initial thousand to the young man and said, ""I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future. That is how much I love you, my darling."

The young man was extremely impressed with all three of their responses. After giving everything long and careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest breasts.

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Pardon
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size every time a man said 'Pardon' to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

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Mirror Mirror, On The Wall
A guy, returning home from a trip, noticed that his wife's breasts were larger, so he asked her what she had done.
She replied, "I said mirror mirror, on the wall, make my breasts DD and it happened."

The guy went and stood in front of the mirror, and said, "Mirror mirror, on the wall, make my penis touch the ground."

His legs fell off!
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Pamela Anderson's Breasts
What's the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts called?

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Silicon Valley
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Square Breasts
Why did the blonde's breasts look square?

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Because she forgot to take the kleenex out of the box.
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Breast Obsession
A man was obsessed with women's breasts, so he went to a psychologist and told him his problem.
"Let's play a little word association game," the doctor said. "I'll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind."

"Plums," said the doctor.

"Breasts," the patient said.

"Oranges."

"Breasts," the patient replied.

"Watermelons."

"Breasts," said the patient.

"Wipers."

"Breasts," the patient said.

"Wait a minute!" the doctor said. "I can understand the connection between plums, oranges, watermelons and breasts. But, automobile wipers? Where's the connection?"

"Easy, doc," the patient explained, "one on the left and one on the right!"
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No Refund On Specials
A woman entered a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a coffee maker for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he could help.

She explained that she wanted to return the coffee maker for refund because it didn't work, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
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Hear The Angels Sing
As the minister was preparing to begin his sermon he noticed a young woman in the front pew, dressed in a tight, skimpy dress with her breasts almost hanging out. Unable to concentrate on his message, he dismissed the parishioners and asked to speak to the young woman after everyone else left.
"What is the meaning of this? he said sternly. "What do you mean by coming to church dressed in such a fashion?"

"Why, Reverend," the young gal replied, "All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Well, let me check," the Reverend said, as he placed his head between her breasts.

A few minutes later, he raised his head and said, "I'm sorry, young lady, but I do not hear any angels singing!"

"Well, of course not, Reverend," she replied. "You aren't plugged in yet!"
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Hit By a High-Speed Ball
A guy is out on the golf course when he takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
He finally manages to get himself to the doctor and says, "How bad is it, doc?" I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

"I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight, but it should be okay by next week," replies the doctor.

He then took four tongue depressors, formed a neat little four-sided bandage and wired it all together - quite an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, they marry and go on their honeymoon. In the motel room that night, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous pair of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

"You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts before," she says.

He quickly whips off his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
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Language Barrier
There was this Asian woman married to an English gentleman and they moved to London. The poor woman was not very proficient in English, although she did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher to purchase some pork legs. Not knowing how to put forward her request, and in desperation, she lifted her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher quickly got the message and the woman went home with pork legs.

The following day, she needed to buy some chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. She got the chicken breasts she wanted.

The next day, the poor woman needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the butcher shop ...

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What were you thinking?

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Wrong!

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Her husband speaks ENGLISH!
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Medical Warning
The AMA and NZMA have declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's Disease research.

It is now projected that by the year 2010 there will be thirty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who are unable to remember what to do with them.
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Excellent Checkup
A man arrived home from work one day and found his wife alone in the kitchen in a great mood, dancing and singing.
"What has you in such a happy mood today?" he asked.

"I had my checkup today," she explained, "and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

"Really," the husband replied, "and what did he have to say about your fifty year old ass?"

"Actually," she said, "your name never came up!"
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Always Failed
A very well-built young woman was lying on her psychiatrist's couch telling him how frustrated she was since she always failed at everything she seemed to try.
"I've tried to be a secretary and failed," she complained. "I tried to be an actress and failed. Then, I tried sales and I failed at that too."

The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "It is important for everyone to live a full and meaningful life. Have you tried nursing?"

She thought about his suggestion for a second, then opened her blouse and revealed one of her luscious breasts. Pointing it at the doctor, she said, "OK, I'll give it a try."
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Top Ten Things Men Know About Women









They have breasts.
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Darn Those Interns
Walking down the hospital corridor, the Nursing Supervisor found it shocking to see one of her nurses walking towards her in total disarray. Her uniform was wrinkled, her hair was a mess and if that wasn't enough, one of her breasts was hanging out of her open top.
Yelling at her, the supervisor said, "Miss Thomas, how do you account for your appearance. Not only do you resemble a derelict, but your breast is exposed!"

Quickly stuffing her breast back into her uniform, the nurse replied, "Those damn interns. They never put anything back when they're finished using it!"
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Know What I'm Doing?
All the doctor's professionalism went right out the window when he saw the gorgeous woman walk into his office. He instructed her to take off her skirt, which she did, and he began to rub her thighs.
"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asked. "Of course, you're checking for abnormalities," she replied.

He then told her to remove her blouse and bra, which she did, and he began to rub her breasts.

"Have any idea what I'm doing now?" the doctor asked. "Yes, checking for cancer," she replied.

Finally he told her to remove her panties, which she did. He then had her lay on the table, got on top of her and began to have sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Sure do, getting herpes! That's why I'm here," she said.
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Shave and a Shoe Shine
A cowboy entered a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

"Young lady," the cowboy said, "you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

"I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that at all," she replied.

"No problem," the cowboy said, "just tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

"You tell him," she said. "He's the one shaving you."
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Crime of Passion
A little old lady appearing before the judge on a murder charge was explaining the events that led up to the crime.
"Your Honor, I'm 85 years old. I was sitting out on my porch enjoying a beautiful Spring evening when a young man crept up and sat down beside me. He began to rub my thigh and it felt very good.

Then, Your Honor, he began to rub my poor, old breasts. My goodness, I hadn't felt that good in years so I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, take me, young man!"

The old woman continued, "Next thing I knew, the bastard yelled out "April Fool" and that, Your Honor, is when I shot the son of a bitch!"
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The Facelift
A woman wanted to have a facelift, so she went to see the doctor. "Yes, I can do it, but you'll have to return in a few months for a follow-up," the doctor says.
"I would much rather have it done all at once. I don't want to have to back," she tells him.

Thinking for a few minutes, the doctor tells her, "We do have a new procedure. We put a screw in the top of your head, then any time you happen to see wrinkles reappearing, you turn the screw and it pulls the skin up causing the wrinkles to disappear."

"Perfect," she says, "that's what I'd like to have."

A few months later the woman bursts into the doctor's office. "How's the procedure holding up?" he asks her. "Horrible!" she shouts. "It's the biggest mistake I've ever made."

"What do you mean? What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "What's wrong? Take a look at these bags under my eyes," she screams.

"Ma'am, those are not bags," the doctor says, "those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to end up with a beard!"
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Still In Mourning
Marie was widowed five years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were yesterday. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Marie agreed to go out, but said she didn't know anyone.
"That's not a problem, Mom," her daughter said. "I have someone for you to meet."

Her daughter introduced her to Max and they took to one another immediately. After dating for a few weeks, Marie agreed to join Max for a weekend in Cape Cod.

On their first night there, they both undressed. There stood Marie, naked except for a pair of black lace panties, while Max was in his birthday suit. Curious, he asked her, "Why the black panties?"

"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," Marie replied. Max knew right away that he wasn't getting lucky that night.

The following night, it was the same scenario. Marie was standing there with black lace panties on and Max was standing there in his birthday suit; except this time he had an erection on which he was wearing a black condom.

Marie looked at him quizzically and asked, "What's with this ... a black condom?"

"I want to offer my condolences," Max replied.
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A Hundred Bucks Each
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Hank home?" he asks.

"No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands," she replies.

"Would you mind if I wait?" he asks.

"No, that would be fine. Come on in," she says.

They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."

Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, "I really can't wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by," and leaves.

A short while later, Hank arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. "Your friend Ben stopped by to see you," she says.

Hanks thinks for a moment and asks, "Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"
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Mammogram Preparation
The importance of regular mammograms should never be forgotten! There are many women who are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. Best of all, these simple practice exercises can be done in the comfort of your own home.
Exercise 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat the exercise for the other breast.

Exercise 2:

Visit your garage at approximately 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Remove your clothes from the waist up and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of a car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn and repeat exercise for the other breast.

Exercise 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as possible. Repeat exercise for the other breast.

You are now properly prepared for your mammogram.
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Not Entirely Defective
A guy decides that he'd like to have a pet. While looking around in the pet shop, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch but it doesn't have any feet or legs. "Geez, I wonder what happened to this poor parrot," the guy says out loud.
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha," the guy laughs, "It sounded like the parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every single word," the parrot says. "I'm a highly intelligent, very well educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"This is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you," the parrot whispers. "I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"I told you I could, didn't I?" the parrot says. "I speak English, French and Spanish. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. You really ought to buy me. I'm a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says, "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

Several weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is thrilled.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the postman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the postman came into the house, lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over," the parrot says.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then, he got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down," reports the parrot.

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"What happened? What happened?" asks the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the parrot. "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."
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5 comments:

Debbie said...

I just found your blog today. What a wonderful collection of jokes! I'm going to pass your link on to the site I work for, www.livingconversations.com. Humor can be in such short supply sometimes.

I will keep reading. Know that my thoughts are with you and wishing you all the best.

Cheers,
Debbie

Dee said...

Hi Debbie,
Thanks for visiting! And, also for posting my link to that website. It looks interesting! I'm going to go over there and read some more.
Dee

Carver said...

Such fun reading the jokes. I haven't read them all yet but I'll have to come back later. I can always use a laugh. The one about the wonder bras reminded me of when they first came out and someone told me about them and I felt was insinuating that I might want to get one to try to create the illusion that I was better endowed than I actually was. I thought it was hilarious but I acted offended for at least 5 minutes after this person explained to me what a wonder bra was.

Dee said...

Carver, you know, I tend to think that wonderbras are silly . . . but then, I did have a "B" cup and was fine with that. I was always fairly active playing sports and running, so I was just happy I wasn't any bigger. What I'm trying to say is that wonderbras are silly for me. But if other women want to wear them, that's their choice and that's okay.

Save "our" Earth said...

Hi, I just found your blog today. You've got a lot of jokes there! The last joke got me!

Ciao,
Jave