The Body Works In Mysterious Ways

This is an update on my wound. It's still big. It's still draining.

The surgeon noted that one of the satellite lesions seemed bigger. In fact, all the satellite lesions seem to be growing up and out. I think this is due to inflammation, though, and not necessarily to cancer growth. If you recall, last summer, after I had the t-cell (Herminator-2) cell infusions and then I had Herceptin, I had an "inflammatory flare" - the whole area became more swollen as part of an immune response. The fact that almost all the tissue in this area is getting darker with each dressing change tells me that there is tissue necrosis.

So, even with the rising tumor marker number, I'm trusting the CT scan.

Then, there's the lesion near my breast bone, on the scar of my TRAM flap. The CT scan said it was "less prominent". However, it feels like it's sticking out more. My friend, T., said that maybe what's happening there is that as it shrinks, it's contracting and therefore sticking out more. I like that explanation. The tumor is more at the surface than deep.

When Dr. K and I looked at the CT scan, it seemed like there was a layer of good tissue between my ribs/chest wall and the tumor. It also seemed like there was a layer of good tissue under the breast bone lesion.

I mentioned these observations to my acupuncturist the other day and I said it seems as if my body is pushing the cancer out of it. She said, "or maybe your body is walling itself away from the cancer".

Either way, I like the idea that my body is protecting itself, whether by walling itself up or pushing cancer out. I even think that since the wound is about 6"x4" big, the body is finding the biggest or most convenient opening to push out the last of the cancer. So, while it's really kinda yucky to see the bulbous masses swelling up and out in the wound, my visualization is kind of a good one - I picture all sorts of oompa loompas (see my visualizations in the wound in my right breast in 2008) and other unusual entities gradually cleaning up the cancer all over my body, pushing or even escorting or sweeping those nasty cells out toward my armpit. It reminds me of sweeping dirt out of the door of a tent or a cabin.

Yep, that's what's happening in my body. It works in mysterious ways!

Scrubbing Bubbles

One of my classmates from high school, K., posted the following comment on Facebook after I posted Joanna's comments about Herceptin and fatigue - the fatigue comes from dying active cancer cells because Herceptin is attacking them.

Good news! Kind of like scrubbing bubbles in your body. Cleaning out all the nasty cancer cells!!!

I love it! Do you all remember that commercial? I think I may have to color or create a mandala about scrubbing bubbles!

Hilarious! It sure gave me a chuckle.

That's what friends are for, eh? Making your load lighter with laughter!

A lazy Sunday morning

So, I'm catching up on blogs and facebook this morning while watching my son race people from other parts of the world on Mario Kart for the wii. Earlier today and yesterday, he was racing someone from Japan and maybe someone from the Middle East and also people from the UK and France. He enjoys racing real people, not just the computer.

I am about to type up what I wrote at Wacky Bounce yesterday - yes, I actually wrote about two more pages for my summary of interviews! Yay! Writer's block is gone! I've decided that what I need to do is to take Eddie to Wacky Bounce more often because then I don't have access to the internet and from the TV, which tends to distract me from work I need to do.

The pharmacy in Portland didn't send the Tykerb that I take - I even called them on Wed or Thurs and made sure that they knew that they should be sent out and the woman on the phone assured me that she would see that the medication was sent out that day. Puzzling. They're not open on Sunday - at least I don't think so - so I need to wait until tomorrow. I hope I get them by Tuesday.

I think I may have pulled a muscle under the reconstructed right boob in volleyball last week. I reached up for some ball and I felt a tweak. I only really feel something when I lift my arm in certain directions. However, it seems that I have had a little more achiness from lymphedema around my right side (under my armpit and around the side toward the back) and around my right shoulder blade. Achiness isn't the right word. I just feel that it's more swollen. Also, there's a spot on my right shoulder blade that feels like another pulled muscle. Or something. So, I've been trying to stretch it throughout the day to try to get the lymph flowing more freely and I have been doing my qigong routine, too.

In the meantime, I'm reading a new book, Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul by Deepak Chopra. It's about mind-body-spirit healing, like many of his books are, I guess, although this is the first time I've read any of his books. The one thing he said that I really liked, though, is that we need to stop thinking of our bodies as finite, material objects, but more like the interface between the visible or material world and the invisible, spiritual/energetic world.

My visualizations about the lung tumors are something along the lines of talking to the tumor/cancer cells and saying things like, "well, if you mutated from normal to look like this angry mass of cells, then you're able to mutate back to normal tissue". In other words, I imagine the healthy lung tissue around it coaxing and absorbing the diseased tissue - not so much in an effort to kill it but more to tell that tissue that it can still live in a healthier and longer way if it mutates back to normal behavior. I sometimes imagine the tumor cells as a young, terrible-twos toddler; Eddie never threw many tantrums, only a few, but when he did, I just sat down and held him in my lap and hugged him even as he kept flailing around. It calmed him down. That's what I visualize for the tumors. Encouraging normal behavior through a loving but firm hand.

What's on tap for today? Well, typing some stuff up, then going to K-Mart - mom gets these coupons for family and friends day where we can get some good discounts - then later, dad is going to help me put plastic on the windows in an effort to save on heating costs. And, another trip to Wacky Bounce.

Happy Sunday everyone!

A change in attitude

I made a small change to my blog header: instead of saying, "using humor and alternative medicine in my fight", I say, "using humor and alternative medicine in my healing".

So, what's the difference? I'm not sure I can articulate it clearly as of yet. However, I decided to make the change because of something Renee said to me a few months ago, when I was worried about the lung tumors growing. She suggested that maybe what I needed to do in my visualizations, rather than imagine fighting and killing the cancer cells, to "love them to death". I imagined my tumors related to various old and new issues of mine and in that case, rather than trying to rid my body of those issues, embracing them and accepting them as part of me. Don't try to ignore the issues - but face them and love them.

Every so often, when I remember, I do try that visualization . . . I think the trick, though is to sustain the visualization for longer than what I'm doing.

In the end, loving the issues/tumors/illness is more about healing than fighting. That's what we're trying to do with acupuncture is to help my body heal so that cancer can't rear its ugly head anymore.

I have done some thinking about why I had a relapse of cancer after all the treatment I received in 2002-2003. The treatments probably helped contain the cancer for awhile until my body was inundated with various stressors - like the memory foam mattress and relationship-stuff - so the cancer got the upper hand. It never really went away. Now, what I need to do is to heal . . . fighting it only got me so far. It's time to try another tactic.

It was a beautiful fall day here today. This whole week-end was amazing warm for late October/early November: daytime temps were in the 60s. Unusual . . . but I'm not complaining!

A Productive Week-end

Spent most of my week-end putzing around and trying to clean up, both at home and in my office. Friday night, I paid bills.

Saturday, my folks came over and dad did most of the yard work and I helped - I finally used the leaf blower for the first time. I usually let those testosterone-types used it. Now I know how that Tim Allen on Home Improvemehn felt - the leaf blower was pretty cool! My dad blew the leaves off the driveway at my neighbor's house and then I took the thing across the street to my other neighbor (another Deanna) to blow them off of her driveway. Deanna broke her elbow a couple of months ago and she was much appreciative as the needles, sticks and leaves in her driveway were driving her nuts. All the leaves and needles were there courtesy of the barrage of storms we got a few weeks ago.

I also spent THREE hours in my office putting away books and filing away files. I'd brought in a bunch of books and files that I'd had at home for a few years, thinking that I'd be working at home, but I never did. So, I brought them back into my office. I've bought books lately so that meant spending some time rearranging my shelves and also files in the filing cabinet. I also filed away things in my home office area. Mom helped me put away Christmas decorations. Dad and I took the last of the Christmas lights off the house.

Kinda hate to put Christmas stuff away.

Today, I went to Portland to hang out with Scott for awhile. We got a good chat in and spent some time at Powell's Bookstore. I sold a few books that I had to them. Eddie needed a couple more books in the series he's reading, a detective named Chet Gecko. I picked up Eddie at his dad's house and then went to my sister's for dinner. It was fun visiting with them - plus I didn't have to cook!! In the meantime, my brother Scott made repairs to Eddie's 'novelty slot machine' that he got in Vegas, so we stopped by their house to pick it up.

I've also spent some time the past couple of mornings trying to meditate about my upcoming surgery - visualizing what the surgeon is going to do and trying to "talk" to the tissue so that the surgery goes well and that I heal quickly afterwards. I told Scott about my visualizations - I basically talked to the tissue cells as if they were neighbors on the street and that some of the neighbors have to relocate to another area. But even though they're going to miss their old neighbors they can still stay in touch via email and that they will have new neighbors. I told them all that it's all for the greater good. Scott just chuckled. He thought it was funny, but he also said, "hey if it works for you, more power to you!"

Well, got to get ready for bed. Another day, another dollar, right?

As Promised - the Stray Cat Strut Mandala

Gosh, has it already been two months? I think I posted at the end of July or beginning of August that I wanted to create a mandala entitled the Stray Cat Strut. I drafted out a design shortly thereafter, but I haven't taken the time to create the final version. (Partly, I lost the compass I'd bought in early July; I can't find it anywhere. Finally bought a new one last week.)

I finally took the time to create it last Sunday afternoon. Voila!



This is an abstract skeleton - there's the main blue t-shape that represents my arms, spines, and the beginnings of my legs at the bottom. Blue represents calmness, serenity, healing, and strength to me. There is a cat (looking at it from above) about mid-way down my spine. This cat is cruising through my bones, swishing out cancer with its tail. The cancer is represented by red - which is related to the anger that I was trying to release after I colored "Slow Burn". As you can see, the arms and top part of the spine have no red in them. There is red that's been knocked out of the arms and the spine, floating outside my body in a pool of healing blue. The cat has just flicked its tail to knock out another red cancer area. The bottom part of my spine and my legs are more purplish in color - this represents a mixing of healing blue and red cancer. Healing blue is already there since I've been on anti-tumor meds since February, but it hasn't quite conquered the red cancer - since my CT scan still showed calcium deposits in my bone marrow. My body and the knocked-out cancer cells are surrounded by a yellow, healing light, which then begins to radiate outward in the orange.

I'll be the first to admit that I can't draw well, but I think that the colors work very well, overall, even if I do say so myself. I plan to post this somewhere in my house and a copy in my office so that I can remember to take a few minutes to visualize this Stray Cat knocking out the cancer in my bones. (Remember, I first got the idea of using the song, Stray Cat Strut, to visualize knocking out cancer when I heard the song while laying on the radiation table.)

There you have it, folks. Enjoy!

The Fantastic Four, Assisted by Flower Faeries, Elves, and Oompa Loompas

Today, as I thought about my visualization of healing this Bat Cave, I thought that I shouldn't just call on my spirit helper, but also on Batman. Then, when I thought about healing, I remembered Claire, the Cheerleader, on the TV shoe, Heroes.

Scott has been an avid watcher of this show since the beginning, but I didn't take the time to watch it also. By the time I would've started watching it, so much had happened that I wouldn't be able to follow along. I decided to finally watch it when I saw Season 1 come out on DVD, so I bought the 5-disc set (this was post-surgery) and proceeded to watch all the episodes. I'm hooked.

Unfortunately, I tuned in too late to catch any of the short-lived Season 2 (only 11 episodes because of the writers' strike last fall), but I hear tell that Season 2 comes on DVD in two days. Guess who will be buying a set? Yep, yours truly. I've seen some of the previews for the new season, so I absolutely need to get caught up beforehand. (One day, as we were standing in line to rent DVDs for Eddie, I saw a Heroes magazine. I bought it. Silly me. But it was interesting and fun to read. There was a quiz you could take to determine what Hero you were. Guess who I was? Mohinder Suresh, the professor without powers. I figured that was about right. Scott was Nikki. He wanted to be the guy who can fly - Nathan, but instead he was this two-personality Hero.)

Anyway, I thought of Claire the Cheerleader, so this morning, I invited her and Bat Man both to help in the healing effort. Bat Man creates cool, handy gadgets - a nice guy to put together the scaffolding - and Claire supplies the healing energy and my helper guy designs the whole thing. I play hostess and supply grunt work!

Carver commented to my earlier post today (To the Bat Cave) that she was going to beam flower faeries to help in the effort. She had this beautiful photo of a blue flower she posted at Carver Cards that had this wonderful white beam of light in the middle - I said something like it seemed like a place where one could beam to and she replied, "Beam Me Up, Scotty!", so that's where beaming the flower faeries come in.

I asked elves to help in my earlier post, but since I thought about Gene Wilder and the Chocolate Factory a couple of weeks ago, I decided to ask for some help from those industrious Oompa Loompas, too. Can't hurt, huh?

Thanks again, everyone!

The Spirit Helper

Within about a week or so after my surgery, after I received the news that there were tendrils of cancer throughout the breast tissue and I was facing the possibility of chemo, radiation, etc., (and I didn't want to go that route unless I absolutely needed to), I was fairly depressed and I despaired of making a decision. That was in late November.

I went to sleep about 10pm one night, after talking to Scott. I fell right out. Then, I sensed something. I struggled to open my eyes, as they felt dried out from the contacts. When I finally could open them, there was a balding man in a robe standing to the right side of the bed. I looked at him. He looked at me with a gaze that was somber - not menacing or happy, but with a resolute look on his face. It scared the bejeezus out of me.

Then, I woke up for real. I opened my eyes and there was no one by the bed. I looked at my alarm clock - 10:40pm. I called Scott (he's a night owl) back right away as I was a bit freaked out.

His first question to me was: "Which side of the bed was he on?" I replied, the right side. Scott said, "that's good". I asked why and he said that if it had been on the left side, it would've been bad news, but the right side is good news. His interpretation was that this visitor (as I came to call him) was trying to tell me that it might be hard but that it would all work out at the end.

I'd just finished reading Bernie Segal's Love, Medicine, and Miracles", which is about a group of Exceptional Cancer Patients who, by virtue of positive thinking (and this is just a quick take on the book) and meditation and visualization, assist in their own cure from cancer.

I found it inspiring so my first thought was that this visitor was Bernie giving me a message. My mom asked if it could possibly be my paternal grandfather. Perhaps.

Then, in June, I read a book entitled "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian Weiss, which is about using hypnosis to learn about past-lives in order to cure people from fears, phobias, disease, etc. Individuals that called themselves "Masters" would occasionally talk to Brian through his patient and teach him things. One point he makes is that we are here on earth to learn certain lessons and I began thinking about what some of my own lessons might be. They included things like rewriting this idea in my head that I don't belong, learning to let go of anger, frustration, and resentment over other people's actions, learning not to try to control or manipulate other people, etc. I mentioned this to my acupuncturist on a Friday and then to Scott, who performed reiki on me on the next day, that my intention was to learn these lessons and let go of certain things. My acupuncturist treated me with the intention of balancing some of these ancestral issues.

And, because of those treatments, I think I have changed. Those issues were toxic to my relationship with Scott. He commented last week that he thinks there has been a big change. I feel it, too, because there have been several times when I could've gotten really angry and then manipulative or turned around a depression, or been resentful of something, but I haven't gone there. My reactions have changed and that's a good thing.

I've since begun thinking of my visitor as one of those Masters. It has been a difficult experience, especially these past six months when I learned I had metastases. But I feel so different inside that I think the CT scan results will come back clean.

Now, I just need to get through this Bat Cave experience. I know I can do it. I've encountered many obstacles in this experience and I made it through. It's interesting phenomenon for me to say this, but, I have faith. I called on this Master or spirit helper to help heal the radiation burn. I called on him to help me with the Stray Cat Strut. I called on him last night when I woke up to start healing this cavity.

And, I woke up in a good mood, thinking, "To the Bat Cave!" Thank you to everyone who help me on this journey by praying for me, sending me blessings and good thoughts and good energy. It has really really helped.

To the Bat Cave!

Sooo, is this a reference to the Dark Knight? Well, yes, sort of.

I woke up thinking of that phrase, "To the Bat Cave!" and it's because as I tried to explain what it is we're trying to heal to Scott, I said that I have this little cave under my right chest, where the tissue expander used to be.

I now have an open hole, about an inch in diameter, where the tissue expander poked through. This is the hole the plastic surgeon yanked the expander out of and is the "entrance" to the cave. Once you go through the hole, this cave is about 8mm high, about 6.5 cm long, and 3.5 cm wide, with this 2.5-3cm white entrance on the right end (which is my right). At the edges of the entrance hole, the tissue is about 1cm on the "top" side and about 2cm laterally.

Lovely.

As I understand it, what we want to encourage is that my body grow tissue from the rib-side of the hole up to the top of this cave. So, I have to grow tissue that's 8mm tall, 6.5cm long, and 3.5cm wide. It will probably take 2-3 months and I may have to wear the "Vac" - the vacuum wound pump for as long as 2 months, depending on how well I tolerate it. I will wear this pump as a fanny pack. It makes a small amount of noise. But, as I understand it, the pump whisks away any moisture, which might harbor microbes, and it will also encourage red blood cells and blood vessels to the area for healing and for building new tissue.

I need to try to eat more protein. I've been trying, but I guess I could try to eat like Michael Phelps, who reported a daily diet of 8-10,000 calories; the breakfast he eats is enough to feed my whole family!! Protein will help my anemia as well as help build new tissue.

I was feeling discouraged last night, both because of the news of the wound pump and the fact that I still had a temperature; when the Tylenol started wearing off, it was 100. Sigh.

Although I didn't get to sleep until 12:30am (watching the women's gymnastics event), I slept fairly well and I had a lot less discomfort than the night before. The wound care nurse didn't pack the cavity with as much gauze (she thought the plastic surgeon put a whole roll of gauze in there!), so I think that that decreased some of the pressure. I was even able to sleep on my right side, which I hadn't really been able to do for several days.

So, last night, I started some visualization about this wound. Sometime, I will post about this visitor I had post-surgery in November. Since June, I've thought of him as a spirit helper of sorts. Sometimes, when I do the stray cat strut visualization, he's helping me kick out the cancer cells. Last night, I visualized him and me looking around the Bat Cave, taking a tour of sorts. Then, I started to visualize the tissue on the bottom (i.e., nearest the ribs) healing, by imagining a small group of elves building new tissue using cells as building blocks. So, when you think of me, help imagine these little elves rebuilding the tissue underneath. I would appreciate it!

I woke up in a good mood, though! Something changed during the night. Not sure what yet, but I think I won't have the fever any longer. Time will tell! Have a good day everyone!

The Stray Cat Strut

Several weeks ago, as I lay on the radiation table getting my radiation treatment, the radio station that was playing over the loudspeakers played the song "Stray Cat Strut". It was a song that just happened to fit my mood that day.

Every time I do radiation, I would visualize different ways that the cancer cells were dying and going away. Sometimes, I thought of it like a nuclear blast (sorta like that nightmare Sarah Connor had in those Terminator movies), knocking down the cancer cells in their path. Sometimes, the radiation was like a commando walking around corners and blasting each cell. Sometimes, it was a healing light, cleaning up the whole dang mess. Sometimes, with a slower song, I imagined sauntering along and sweeping away the cancer. (It's interesting, I think, that I used a war image at first . . . that mellowed as the treatments continued. Hmm, what does that say? I think perhaps that there were so many cells to be destroyed at first, and then it was finding and cleaning up the last stragglers, which required a subtler method.)

(Or maybe I'm just full of s#$t!)

But the day I heard Stray Cat Strut, I imagined myself dancing along, either doing a hip bump on each cancer cell and knocking it down and out of my system. Or, it was like Willie Wonka (Gene Wilder in the original) when they went into the Candy Room and he would do this skipping dance step and kick those large balloon candy-fruit things. I was kicking the cancer cells out of my way.

I've decided that I liked that image a lot and so when I remember and I'm laying in bed (trying to get back to sleep usually), I turn the song on in my head and imagine dancing through all the bones that had those bb-sized tumors and hip-bumping or skip-kicking them out of my system.

Now, I've decided that I'm going to design an abstract mandala and color it. It will be called The Stray Cat Strut. I will post a picture when I'm done!

5 Million Down, 5 Million to Go - Also, a Day of Firsts

So, I had my first radiation treatment today (well, the first one in 5+ years) and it was uneventful. The whole time I was laying on the table and the machine was whirring, I imagined a ray blasting those cancer cells to smithereens, and, then, alternatively, a cleansing/purifying shower washing out the dirty cancer and replacing it with pure clean water. I need to practice my visualization more. They were running a bit late, but while I waited in the waiting room, I was able to relax while coloring this mandala coloring book. They had some colored pencils that I was using. It was kinda fun coming up with a color design on the mandala. I loved designs like that as a kid and I enjoyed coloring. I enjoyed the focus and I think it helped put me in a frame of mind where I could imagine cancer cells dying.

I also had my first date with Boat Guy. I forgot to tell him, though, that I blogged about him, so until I do, I'm going to take down that post about dating again. The date was fine - we're still getting to know each other. I don't feel like I can say more . . . so while I might tell you in person, I'm not going to blog about it at the moment! Sorry! : )

"I'm melting, I'm melting . . ."

Remember what happened to the Wicked Witch of the West? Yep, that's exactly what I'm imagining the cancer cells saying as the two new drugs hit them. Ha! Take that, cancer!

There's a witch theme going on today. Remember my earlier post "Time to Kick Ass"? I said then that I wanted to imagine the two drugs as mallets bludgeoning the cancer. I imagined myself swinging a mallet, but then I decided that there was only one of me and that I needed more. I remembered Mrs. Weasley in one of the Harry Potter books - I think it was the first time Harry Potter went to their house and he walked into the kitchen and just saw all this activity going on - a spoon was stirring a pot on the stove, maybe something else chopping up veggies, and then some knitting needles knitting something. All going on, all at once, with no human help. So, I started imagining lots of mallets going on, without me helping them except for waving my wand. I told that to my counselor today and she mentioned that maybe I should conjure up a Patronus while I'm at it! Sounds good to me!

I also bought the book "Wicked" the other day at Borders. I'm letting my dad read it, first. It came out a year or two ago and is a book about the Wizard of Oz from the Wicked Witch's point of view. Since I just bought the book, I figure that's when the "I'm melting, I'm melting . . ." comment came to mind.

Obviously, still doing okay on the drugs. Yay!

Oh, I forgot. I had a couple of spots on my cheek checked by a dermatologist today. Good news - nothing to worry about! They are called "seborrheic keratoses". Benign, pigment filled spots . . . whew! Saw Jeanne's post about melanoma a few weeks ago on The Assertive Cancer Patient blog and thought I should have it checked, just to be sure.

Time to Kick Ass!

Actually, tomorrow is the day when I start kicking cancer's ass with the two drugs, Xeloda and Tykerb. They were delivered yesterday, in a cardboard box, hidden behind the bushes next to my front door. I wondered if they would try to hide it somehow because there are at least several thousand dollars worth of chemo drugs in that box! Scary to think about how expensive they are. Tykerb is about $23/pill, at five pills/day, x 30 days/month. I don't know how much Xeloda is, maybe not as much, but still there's over $3000 there. More than what's in my bank account, that's for sure!

I'm waiting until tomorrow to start the drugs because Xeloda is taken two weeks on and then a week off. It'll be easier to remember if I start on a Sunday - that's what I did with birth control pills for years, so it seems the logical day. I decided to say, "Time to Kick Ass!" for today's title, though, to help me adjust my own thinking about the drugs. While I want to start the damn meds so I can watch the cancer on my skin disappear, I have been anxious, too, because I fear the side effects. Two of the women I'm in touch with, Jeanne at www.assertivepatient.com, and Liz at www.lizkreger.com, are doing okay on the drugs. They are living more or less normal lives with some minimal side effects.

I just decided a few minutes ago, though, that it'll all go better for me if I take those pills as if I were swinging around a sword or bludgeoning the cancer with a huge mallet, instead of dreading putting them into my mouth. There is a purpose, after all, and it's to rid my body of this stubborn, goddamn shit that won't leave my body.

I'd been imagining my in-breath as a huge vacuum cleaner swallowing up the cancer on my skin and then breathing it out. While it seems to have worked some because the red rash hasn't spread, it's not going fast enough. Time to bludgeon it, right? Right!! So, it's attitude adjustment day!

Goodbye Christmas Tree and Next Steps

Hi all,
I spent all yesterday evening taking down the ornaments from my Christmas tree and putting away all of the rest of the Christmas decorations. It's kinda sad, but now the surfaces and walls have a cleaner, leaner look. It's fun to have all of that stuff out but it does create more clutter. (Or maybe that means I need to reduce the other clutter that's around!) But that also meant that the closet I keep all that stuff in needed to be reorganized. For some reason, post-Christmas becomes the time to straighten out that closet. The rest of the year, I grab stuff out of there and then throw it back in, with no regard to how it's organized. So, I also cleaned and reorganized that closet. But now I look around the house and realize that there's a couple of other spaces that have kinda suffered from neglect post-surgery - one room has all my breast cancer books and stuff on a table. My work file piles (I have about 5 or 6 piles of file folders and books related to different articles or research that I want to work on) have all gotten disorganized and I need to file away receipts and statements and then put all the new Christmas card pictures onto my bulletin board - I post pictures with kids on them. I also moved furniture around in my bedroom last spring, but never got around to rearranging the pictures on my walls; these pictures are all now off-kilter and not centered so I want to fix that. House work is never ending, huh?

I talked to my oncologist a few days ago and then with the Ambulatory Infusion department. I have my baseline MUGA scan on the heart on Jan 16 and then I start Herceptin on the 18th. We are assuming that the MUGA scan will be normal but because Adriamycin can cause heart damage, we're just making sure. This also gives us what my heart normally looks like so that hopefully, we can detect any damage that Herceptin can potentially cause down the road. I'm waiting for Ambulatory Infusion to get the orders from Dr. Kenyon on chemically inducing menopause for a few months, so that's not scheduled yet. In the meantime, I meet with Linda Gelbrecht at Heartspring Wellness Center on Monday in order to start working on meditation and other visualization techniques. In particular, I want to do visualization about the Herceptin and begin thinking of it as a cleansing substance so I don't approach these injections with anxiety or fear. I want to do this to hopefully reduce any side effects I might have. I'm also meeting with Brodie Welch on Jan 17 - Brodie practices traditional Chinese medicine and I think I read that she specializes in women's medical issues. This might mean that I get acupuncture, too, or maybe take some Chinese medicinal herbs to help me through the treatments.

My son starts school on Monday and I have my next "pump up" session on Monday morning. A woman at the support group a few weeks ago called her tissue expanders "breasts of steel" because the tissue and the expanders were so taut and hard. I know what she meant! I've got these little boobs growing now, but they are kinda hard to the touch! I think that means that even as they get bigger, I may still not need a bra because they won't be saggy! Also, my little lumps are lopsided - the left side is definitely bigger than the right and that's because of the prior radiation to the right side which has decreased that tissue's elasticity. My plastic surgeon said not to worry - in the end, he'll make sure everything matches. So, don't be surprised if you see me if one side seems bigger because it is!

Take care, everyone, and have a good week-end!
Dee

Beautiful Sunday in Oregon

We just had a beautiful week-end here in Oregon - sunny and in the 60s both yesterday and today. Today was devoted to yardwork and housework - I wanted to finally paint the ceiling in my living and dining room, but I ended up only getting about halfway done because the #@*#&$ popcorn texture ceiling started falling off! I don't think that the person or persons who put that texture on the ceiling put primer on beforehand, so it just scrapes off really easily. So, I put that whole project on hold for awhile.

At any rate, I wanted to tell everyone that I am indeed having my "Boob Ball" on Saturday, Nov. 3, at 6pm. If you write to me via email or call me, I can give you my address or directions. My son will be there, so it will be okay to bring kids, but we'll have to be careful if there are any risque jokes or images . . . I am planning to do an activity involving boobs and there will also be a contest for the best word joke and the best visual joke. So, please remember to bring a boob joke! I am kinda thinking of compiling it into a book of some sort and have it distributed to the breast cancer support group here in town. By the way, here's a joke that a former student named Erin Haynes gave me:

Q. What do model trains and boobs have in common?
A. Both are intended for children, but it's the fathers who end up playing
with them

You all wanted to know how you can help, and so I wanted to make a request of everyone and it has to do with mind/body interactions and what is called visualization. Let me explain. A colleague of mine, Melissa Cheyney, told me last year sometime that right before she had her wisdom tooth (or teeth?) taken out, someone told her to spend some time "talking" to them. She basically told them that she didn't need it (or them), thanked them for being there, and then asked them to let go of her jaw willingly. Afterward they were removed, I think she told me that the dentist said that she hardly had any bleeding and she hardly had any pain. Remembering her story, I decided to begin meditations in which I talk to my breasts and tell them thanks for what they've done for me, but now it'd be better if they were taken away. I've asked them to go willingly and also asked my body to let go of them with little to no pain. I've tried to visualize the surgery in order to prepare both my mind and body for what will happen. I'm also anxious and apprehensive about this surgery as I'm not sure how much pain I will have and also I'm not looking forward to the nausea from the anesthesia after surgery. So, my request of you is to help me with this meditation - whether you pray or send positive thoughts or send good energy, whatever it is you do. And, what I'm telling myself (and what I'm asking you to do) is: 1) ask my body not to get nauseous after surgery; 2) ask my breasts to leave my body willingly and with little pain; 3) to talk to my pectoral (sp?) muscles so that they are not tight and allow the temporary implants to be inserted under them easily; and finally 4) to help me not to be too anxious beforehand. I was very anxious before surgery last time - and I didn't know what to expect - and I think that that may have affected me post-surgery. I've been doing some ready and it just seems that the more positive you are before surgery or chemo or whatever, the better your body reacts .. .

I appreciate it, everyone! And, remember those jokes!