Wow - Three Years

It's hard to believe that I started this blog three years ago. In fact, I missed my three year anniversary of this blog (it was Oct 15, 2007) as well as the three-year mark for my second diagnosis of breast cancer (October 3, 2007).

At the time, I never thought I'd go through what I've been through. Here's a list:

Surgeries: 2 (bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction) with 1 more planned

Radiation: 6 1/2 weeks to kill the cancer in the skin (June 15 to Aug 1 2008)

Mets Diagnoses: Skin - 2 times (right breast area; left armpit); Lung (3 in left side); Bone Marrow - multiple sites; Lymph Nodes - multiple sites; Liver - potential site?

Targeted therapies - Tykerb (March 2008 to January 2009; April 2009 to Nov or Dec 2009); Herceptin (January 2010 to July 2010); Femara (August 2009 to November 2009)

Chemotherapies - Oral Xeloda (March 2008 to December 2008; April 2009 to July 2009); Abraxane (October 2010 to ??)

Open Skin Wounds - Right breast area (March 2008 to February 2009); Left armpit - August 2010 to present)

Depression - two times when it was hard to lift my mood, when I remember envying "normal" people

Worry - multiple times

But there was good news - I achieved "stable disease" from August 2008 to April 2009). And, it looks like I might be headed to stable disease again. (There are two kinds of remission, one in which a patient is NED or no evidence of disease. And, there is "stable disease", which is me, because I may never get rid of the calcium deposits in my bone marrow since they take so long to resolve and the calcium deposits are evidence of disease.)

I have enjoyed incredible support from family, friends, and colleagues. I have reconnected with high school friends through Facebook. I have grown closer to many people. My son is healthy and doing well. I have "met" several cancer bloggers, a few in person and others just online. These women have taught me how to persevere, how to deal with side effects, how to continue living life to the fullest, how to stay connected, how to approach this disease, and I'm happy to continue sharing in their lives through their blogs.

I also have very good medical care providers, including my oncologist, my radiation oncologist, my therapist, my acupuncturist, my wound care nurse, the UW clinical trial doctors, the infusion nurses, my surgeon, my plastic surgeon, and all the nurses who help my doctors.

I feel that I have learned a lot about diet, alternative forms of healing such as Chinese Medicine, and have started my own spiritual search. In terms of spirituality, I have done a lot of reading and have an eclectic mix of things that I believe in. I have had some experiences, too, that can't be explained. I feel like I am healthier mentally and emotionally than I've ever been before.

It's really been a roller coaster ride. It's a metaphor that is probably overused, but at the moment, I can't think of another way to describe it. The truth is that there have been highs and lows. But through my learning of how to cope with this disease, I've learned how to cultivate happiness. I have learned to create gratitude lists. I focus on what I have rather than what I don't. I make a choice each morning deciding that I will be happy. I don't always succeed, but I never feel guilty about that. I do, however, try to let the bad feelings pass through me, now, rather than hold on to them. I feel, though, that with all that I have learned and the recent treatments I have had, I may be poised to enjoy a long period of remission. I have some work to do to enable that - like trying to not eat sugar in my diet (which feeds the cancer) and to practice qigong and meditation more regularly. But I'm getting there.

I wish I could've learned all these lessons without having cancer. I would never wish this on anyone. But that's not the way it turned out. As I'm found of saying nowadays, "It is what it is." Not much I can do about how it happened. I do have control over what will happen next, which is to live a good life and to continue learning how to be a better person.

Because life is good. And, I'm thankful for it and for all the support that I have received. Thank you for reading the blog. Here's to 30 or more years of it, huh? : )

Relearning Old Lessons

Acupuncture was good for me today. I let out a lot of emotion. B., my acupuncturist, said that I am feeling pain because my body is trying to catch my attention. My task is to figure out what the message is. One message, I think, is acceptance (of the limitations I now have from this disease) and to be okay with uncertainty.

You see, I had this expectation that I would have less swelling in my lymph nodes by 8 weeks post t-cell infusion because that is what happened to the guy who had advanced melanoma. His tumors disappeared by 8 weeks. My 8 weeks are up this Thursday and it's not happening. So I am frustrated because I want to go back to being "normal" with the ability to do all sorts of things like travel. In other words, I want to go back to being busy busy busy.

But the turtles in Hawaii were telling me to slow down. I keep forgetting to do that. Perhaps the pain is reminding me to slow down. To realize that while work is important, then rest of my life is important too and I need to nurture myself and my family just as much.

So B. told me that I should probably get rid of the expectation and let the universe do what it needs to do in its own time, not mine. And to not measure myself in terms of my colleague's output, but slow down. Get off the academic merry go round, so to speak, and just do things in my own time. To accept my limitations (I.e., not do as much as my colleagues) and to accept that maybe I should stop playing softball and be okay with that.

And, to accept that whatever is causing the pain is what it is. I don't need to know why, just realize that "it" is there and to be okay with not knowing. I need to go back to living in the moment. I need to write gratitude lists again. I also need to be okay with uncertainty.

In the end, I am projecting into the future again - thinking about the "what ifs?" and "why" but when you worry like that, you are not enjoying the time you have today. When you constantly wonder why, you forget about all that you are thankful for.

So, thank you for the reminder, B. And thanks for listening, R. And thanks to all my cousins and all the other people who took care of me in Alaska. A big thanks to my parents for taking care of me when I came home. I am sorry that I have been such a pill. Thanks to my son for reminding me what's important.

And, dad, I will try yet again to slow down! LOL

The Spirit Helper

Within about a week or so after my surgery, after I received the news that there were tendrils of cancer throughout the breast tissue and I was facing the possibility of chemo, radiation, etc., (and I didn't want to go that route unless I absolutely needed to), I was fairly depressed and I despaired of making a decision. That was in late November.

I went to sleep about 10pm one night, after talking to Scott. I fell right out. Then, I sensed something. I struggled to open my eyes, as they felt dried out from the contacts. When I finally could open them, there was a balding man in a robe standing to the right side of the bed. I looked at him. He looked at me with a gaze that was somber - not menacing or happy, but with a resolute look on his face. It scared the bejeezus out of me.

Then, I woke up for real. I opened my eyes and there was no one by the bed. I looked at my alarm clock - 10:40pm. I called Scott (he's a night owl) back right away as I was a bit freaked out.

His first question to me was: "Which side of the bed was he on?" I replied, the right side. Scott said, "that's good". I asked why and he said that if it had been on the left side, it would've been bad news, but the right side is good news. His interpretation was that this visitor (as I came to call him) was trying to tell me that it might be hard but that it would all work out at the end.

I'd just finished reading Bernie Segal's Love, Medicine, and Miracles", which is about a group of Exceptional Cancer Patients who, by virtue of positive thinking (and this is just a quick take on the book) and meditation and visualization, assist in their own cure from cancer.

I found it inspiring so my first thought was that this visitor was Bernie giving me a message. My mom asked if it could possibly be my paternal grandfather. Perhaps.

Then, in June, I read a book entitled "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian Weiss, which is about using hypnosis to learn about past-lives in order to cure people from fears, phobias, disease, etc. Individuals that called themselves "Masters" would occasionally talk to Brian through his patient and teach him things. One point he makes is that we are here on earth to learn certain lessons and I began thinking about what some of my own lessons might be. They included things like rewriting this idea in my head that I don't belong, learning to let go of anger, frustration, and resentment over other people's actions, learning not to try to control or manipulate other people, etc. I mentioned this to my acupuncturist on a Friday and then to Scott, who performed reiki on me on the next day, that my intention was to learn these lessons and let go of certain things. My acupuncturist treated me with the intention of balancing some of these ancestral issues.

And, because of those treatments, I think I have changed. Those issues were toxic to my relationship with Scott. He commented last week that he thinks there has been a big change. I feel it, too, because there have been several times when I could've gotten really angry and then manipulative or turned around a depression, or been resentful of something, but I haven't gone there. My reactions have changed and that's a good thing.

I've since begun thinking of my visitor as one of those Masters. It has been a difficult experience, especially these past six months when I learned I had metastases. But I feel so different inside that I think the CT scan results will come back clean.

Now, I just need to get through this Bat Cave experience. I know I can do it. I've encountered many obstacles in this experience and I made it through. It's interesting phenomenon for me to say this, but, I have faith. I called on this Master or spirit helper to help heal the radiation burn. I called on him to help me with the Stray Cat Strut. I called on him last night when I woke up to start healing this cavity.

And, I woke up in a good mood, thinking, "To the Bat Cave!" Thank you to everyone who help me on this journey by praying for me, sending me blessings and good thoughts and good energy. It has really really helped.