Should I Be More Worried? OR the Power of Positive Energy

When I got the news last Wed night that the MRI showed two brain tumors, I wasn't too upset. My family was much more upset and I cried because they were crying but not because I was devastated at the news. I know it's serious, but I am still not really devastated or even worried. I am more worried that I need to be worried about this setback than about the setback itself.

So, as the steroids keep me awake at night, I have been trying to figure out what I think about the whole situation.

I keep thinking that it could be much worse. Surgery was successful. I am on steroids that interrupt sleep and mess up my stomach but the weakness and numbness in my hand and arm are dissipating. I hardly have any pain. The acid reflux pills help. I rest as much as I can. I have a plan for treatment in the next weeks that should take care of that pesky brain tumor. We will work on a maintenance plan to keep it from coming back afterwards.

I have a plan for the tumor in my chest. My wound under my armpit is still healing - the skin is still growing over the lat flap. There was a 6x8cm open spot and I think it was a 2x1 and another 2x1cm spot.

I start PT next week for the lymphedema in my upper left arm.

I decided the brain tumors were a wake-up call - I had been really fixated on the damn wound and satellite lesions (about 18x12cm right before surgery) in my armpit prior to the April 1 surgery and I hoped that after that surgery, I could enter into stable disease status. But the brain tumors might be telling me that I can't be too complacent about how I approach my treatment and my healing.

I am not convinced, however, that heavier duty chemotherapy will be the ticket. I read other bloggers who have gone that route - they've lost some quality of life and yet their disease still progresses.

To me, that means that I need to figure out ways to approach my treatment that are more humane to my body. I've been doing a lot of reading on EAstern philosophies and healing traditions and want to bring more of them into what I do. I have friends who pass me on information on that and I see my acupuncturist. I think I will dedicate my summer to exploring these kinds of both spiritual and physical actions more as I think I will live longer that way.

The brain tumors have also really given me permission to just forget about work. The stressful part of work. The only kind of "work" I want to do is the fun stuff - learning about people and why they do what they do, which is why I got into anthropology in the first place. My whole plan this summer is to putz around at home, work on mosaics, maybe plan yard projects, go to the Coast, stay in a treehouse. Fun stuff. Life is too short is get caught up in the drama and politics of work.

So, in the end, I guess that's why I am not more worried about the brain tumors. Things could be worse. I could either spend my time depressed and worried and sad or I could just see this as an opportunity to make sure I make the most out of my life, enjoy myself, enjoy my friends and family, spread joy, be creative, be thankful, and count my blessings. Laugh. That is a choice one can make. I choose to focus on the positive. And, life is still good!

I also think that the continued good energy, positive vibes, prayers, blessings, and whatever else is coming my way also help me a lot. And, for that I am always thankful!

Whole Brain Radiation

So, today, we figured out the plan of action for the next few weeks. As you remember, I do still have a 2cm tumor near the front of the left side of my skull. Some of the swelling may be causing me to have some weakness on my right hand and arm - they feel weak and a bit shaky. I am still shaky on my feet but that may dissipate as I recover more from surgery.

I get the staples out of the incision on Friday. I will start (or restart) whole brain radiation beginning May 31, the day after Memorial Day. That should remove the 2cm tumor in my skull. I may experience more swelling (which would cause headaches and nausea) or it may actually decrease as the tumor shrinks and the swelling goes down. It all depends on how things go. I hope that I get through the radiation treatments with nothing more than fatigue.

Because I only had one radiation treatment, the radiation oncologist wants me to have 14 more sessions of daily radiation. That starts May 31 and will go to June 17. So, it looks like the next month, I will be resting, recovering from surgery and radiation, and just not doing much overall.

The wound in my armpit is healing and getting smaller. There isn't much drainage anymore, but will still have biweekly dressing changes for the next few weeks. Also, during surgery, the OR people did not protect the lump in my chest, so now the skin tissue there is degraded and draining a bit. I am not sure what we're going to do about tha damn thing, but I hope that Dr. F (the surgeon) can eventually take that lump off and patch over it with a skin graft.

I am always amazed that people keep telling me about my positive attitude. I guess I do work at cultivating one - part of my strategy is that I always figure there's someone else worse off than me. Yes, I have these brain tumors, but it looks like treatment will take care of those. I have the tumor on my chest, but we have a plan, of sorts, for that. Otherwise, it seems to me that the immunotherapy I had at UW last year is taking care of any advancement of cancer within my body. My liver and lungs are fine and I have sclerotic (i.e., scarred) lesions in my bone marrow, but not attached to my bones. The way I look at it is that I'm doing okay. I think there are things I can do to keep the cancer from coming back to my brain. We just need to get on a maintenance plan for the rest of my body. I fully expect to get through treatments and recover this summer and return to stregnth in the Fall. I'm not ready to kick the bucket yet.

I also think that my positive outlook is due to all of you out there praying for me, sending me positive energy and vibes and blessings. It buoys my spirits and keeps me smiling. Love to all of you!

Quic news

Remember the nausea and vomiting I thought was from Dilaudid? Turns out it was from 2 brain tumors. I have a 2cm one near the top of my head and another one that was removed this morning. I think it was also 2cm, but it caused a 4cm cyst to clog the vetricles. They started who,e brain radiation but the neurosurgeon caught the clog and cyst.

I am doing okay. The steroids make me euphoric - am feeling a little silly and would probably feel sillier if there wasn't News of brain tumors.

I Amin the hospital for q few no ore days. Hard to type with these damn linger fingernails! Once I get them cut, I will write a longer post!