The Difference Between Frodo and Me

I don't know how many times I've read "The Lord of the Rings". I always imagined myself as Frodo - the little person who somehow does what the great people can't do and beat the bad guy. I think that's why I like the Harry Potter series, too.

Yesterday evening, after the yard work party, we watched the third Lord of the Rings movie as it was on TV - The Return of the King. Then, I posted on Facebook that I always imagined myself as Frodo and that cancer was "The Ring of Doom". I visualized throwing the damn ring (i.e, cancer) into Mount Doom and melting away.

But in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep (some achey arms - too tight a wrap on the left arm and a tight right shoulder; plus some worry as I thought I found another nodule in my left armpit which I now think might be scar tissue), I got to thinking that there was one important difference between Frodo and me.

At the end of the story, he goes on the ship that takes him to the sea. He finds that he can't enjoy the Shire anymore because of all his hurts and struggles. I thought about the scene where the four hobbits, who fought in the war, were in the pub watching all their fellow hobbits laughing without a care in the world. They exchange knowing glances that these other hobbits are still innocent of the evil that exists in the world.

The big difference is, though, that even though I've gone through a lot, like Frodo, I would have to stay that I've rediscovered the joy of Shire - that innocence and love of life that children have. I used to think, in my 20s and 30s, that I needed to put away childish things, like innocence and be an "adult". But then, traveling around with good friend of mine in New Mexico, P., I'd watch her giggle with delight as Mesa Verde or Acoma Pueblo and I realized that why is it that we need to put away childish things? Why can't I take joy and giggle and see something I've not seen before? Why can't I color mandalas or create mosaics? Play with color and design? It's fun! Why not have fun?

So, that's the big difference. Frodo couldn't enjoy his world, but I think there is much to do, much to enjoy, much to giggle about yet. I'd rather dwell on the sweet smelling roses then about the evil. As I said before, if we all concentrated on what's good, maybe the world would be a better place. Let's all continue being children, okay?

Thank you again to everyone!

Da da Da da Daaa da . . . Da da Da da Daaaa da!

What in the heck is that title mean? Think dancing, maybe even line dancing. Oh, yeah! It's the beat to the Conga line! (I think!) Where the last syllable is kinda loud, like it pops.

Why am I dancing?

Well, I just got my CEA tumor marker today. Guess what? It was even lower today than last month. It was 3.4 ng/mL. That's less than half of what it was in November. Anything 3.8 or less is considered normal. So, yes, I guess I can be considered normal! (Well, I'll think of myself as more normal when that wound heals and the satellite nodules disappear.)

I had both zometa and Abraxane. Maybe I should say, it's an "A to Z" Day. I also had good blood counts - my hemoglobin was 10.8. My white blood cells counts are about half what they were before starting Abraxane, but still decent.

Anyway, here is the history:

CEA
1/2008 - 1.2 ng/mL
3/2008 - 0.9 ng/mL
6/2008 - 1.0 ng/mL
8/2008 - 1.1 ng/mL (need to double check this number, but it was in that 0.9 to 1.2 range)
9/2008 - 0.5 ng/mL
10/2008 - 0.9 ng/mL
10/31/2008 - 1.2 ng/mL
11/28/2008 - 1.2 ng/mL
12/30/2008 - 1.1 ng/mL
3/2/2009 - 1.4 ng/mL
4/8/2009 - 1.6 ng/mL
5/5/2009 - 1.9 ng/mL
6/4/2009 - 3.0 ng/mL
7/2/2009 - 3.7 ng/mL
8/3/2009 - 4.2 ng/mL
8/31/2009 - 5.1 ng/mL
10/2/2009 - 5.7 ng/mL (or was it 5.8?)
11/2/2009 - 7.6 ng/mL
11/30/2009 - 10.5 ng/mL
12/28/2009 - 13.2 ng/mL
3/8/2010 - 22.9 ng/mL
4/22/2010 - 28.9 ng/mL
6/7/2010 - 46.3 ng/mL
7/19/2010 - 44.3 ng/mL
8/19/2010 - 50.9 ng/mL
10/05/2010 - 41.6 ng/mL
11/04/2010 - 7.1 ng/mL
12/03/2010 - 3.4 ng/mL

It hasn't been this low since before July 2009 - almost 18 months! Wanna join me for a Conga line? Da da Da da Daaa da . . . Da da Da da Daaa da!

My State of Mind These Last Few Days

How am I feeling these days? In a word - happy. In love with life!

When I look back at the last few months, I see just how much my physical symptoms and side effects impacted my sense of well-being.

First, beginning around my birthday in July, I had an "inflammatory flare" in my left armpit due to the t-cell infusions and Herceptin. This inflammation caused a lot of pain and I ended up on pain pills for several weeks. So, I either felt pain, or some slight nausea and dizziness and fatigue from the pain meds.

Then, I had withdrawal symptoms from the pain meds - about late August.

Then, I ended up with an open skin wound. Got the news of disease progression and discussions with doctors about next steps. The whole area is still swollen and somewhat painful, not as bad as in July/August.

Then, I ended up with an infection in the wound and it started to grow. Fever, chills, and/or nausea/fatigue from the antibiotics. That was late September into early October. More discussions about what was going on - worry that I'd be hospitalized, worried if I should start treatment while still fighting an infection, placement of the P.A.S. port, starting a new treatment, learning about side effects.

Whew. A LOT was going on. In one sense, it was like I was a ball in a pinball machine, bouncing from one symptom and side effect to the next.

But now? Now, I am settling into a kind of routine again. Side effects are predictable. Side effects are doable - just fatigue and hair loss. My work is going well - when I'm there. I have a plan of sorts. I know what will happen in the next few months. There's evidence that the treatment is working. Mount Herminator is now a witch's cauldron. I don't have to lift my arm up constantly anymore. I can sleep on my left side again.

My heart, my soul, my mind - all feel lighter; I feel happier. A big weight has lifted. I guess because for the first time since I found out that the cancer had gone into my left lung 18 months ago, I am finally responding to treatment (t-cell therapy combined with Abraxane).

I wish to give a huge thank you to everyone who has helped me over the past six or so months. From my family who takes care of me daily, to my chauffeurs to Seattle and in Seattle, to the people who donated funds so I can make the trips, to my medical team who takes care of me, to my friends who keep me amused and entertained, to all the many people who keep me in their thoughts, prayers, who send me blessings and positive energy and little gifts. Thank you all! I have a huge wonderful support system and I can't thank you enough. Because, you see, you help me. I am doing so well because of you.

Cancer's on the run, baby. Time to celebrate!