Tears, Fears, and Radiation

Okay, okay, that was a bad replacement for "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles", but you've got to give me brownie points for trying!

The other day, I noticed that some friends of mine seemed to want to avoid talking to me about the news that the surgeons didn't get all the cancer. Of course, I can't read their minds, but I can only guess that they weren't sure what to say or what to do to help me and just maybe, maybe, they didn't want to see me burst into tears. I am still pretty emotional but as my boyfriend, my counselor, and several of my colleagues have reminded me: it's okay to cry and if you're uncomfortable with it, then that's your problem and not mine. It's better for me, healthwise, to let it all out. So, be warned . . . I am trying to gain my equilibrium and there are times when I don't cry. But I still do sometimes and it's okay. I'm really doing okay, the tears just need to come out sometime, okay?

I also want everyone to know that I want to talk about the whole thing - treatment options, how I'm feeling, etc. Please, please don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me. If I break into tears, it's only for a moment and then I'm able to talk about what's going on pretty calmly and logically. It takes more energy for me to introduce the topic, so I really really appreciate it if you ask me questions. I welcome them and I want to talk about it. So, in terms of what to say, ask me how I'm doing and what's going to happen next and also tell me a good joke! I do need to laugh. In terms of what to do: hugs are appreciated. I'm still able to function with all the daily mundane things to do (that is, except for cook my own dinner!); if and when I can't, I will ask you for help. Regarding dinner - at least two or three nights a week, my son is with his dad, so meeting somewhere for dinner is always a good something to do.

I mentioned Jeanne Sather's blog, entitled "The Assertive Cancer Patient". Again, the address is:

http://www.assertivepatient.com/

I bring up her blog because there have been several times that Jeanne has stated that she's learned to stay away from certain people for her own mental health. The two categories I remember that she mentions are: 1) those who are afraid she's going to die; and 2) those who are still dealing with their own fears of cancer. As you can imagine, those who fall into either of these categories have the net effect of 1) depressing the cancer patient, which then 2) takes away any positive energy that patient may have. I want to add a third category, 3) for those of us who are older siblings or are the take-charge type, people who bring to us their own fears of death and/or cancer make us want to take care of you rather than allow you to take care of us. We need you to take care of us. As my counselor mentioned earlier today, if you come to me in tears because of your own fears of death or cancer, take your tears to your own support system, and then approach me positively and with strength. I don't have energy for you otherwise and I might just learn to ask you to go somewhere else.

Okay, now on to the radiation. I just spoke with the radiation oncologist. The plan right now is to go on Xeloda and Tykerb (if insurance allows) and in about a month, we'll assess how effective they are. If they've proven to shrink the red "sheet" of cancer, then we start radiation. I'll have radiation for 6 1/2 weeks. In the meantime, I stop the tissue expansion as it's easier to radiate with less expansion. A month or so after radiation stops, then we can go back to expanding my tissue. That's about 3 to 3 1/2 months from now. I think I have at least two more expansions to get to a "B" cup. Then, it's a few weeks after that to get the permanent implants. So, I'm at least five months away from getting the permanent implants. When you see me during that time period, I will still be relatively small and lopsided! Just so you're warned . . .

Again, TO HELL WITH CANCER! And, thank you to all my colleagues who were gracious enough today to chat with me in the hall or in my office and ask me questions and give me hugs and allow me to cry in front of them. It's really wonderful to have such supportive colleagues! Love to you all.