Faith

This evening, I could feel my faith reasserting itself, especially after reading my friends' comments on Facebook, an email letter from another friend, and two blog posts by two of my blogging friends (Joanna and Jeanne). Because if all of you have anything at all to do with how long I live, I feel that I will live a very long time because of your support, your prayers, your positive energy, blessings, and strength.

I should say that, for a long time, maybe the last year or so, I have felt that I will eventually achieve stable disease status. I wasn't sure how or when, but I just have this deep sense that I will be okay and that I will be around for a long time. I have faith.

I should say that it isn't a Christian kind of faith for I am not really Christian. I was raised Catholic and I still find comfort in Mass. But over the past couple of years, I have done a lot of reading in other kinds of spirituality and while I can't give you specific quotes from various books, I will say that my thinking about religion and spirituality has evolved and developed over this time. One book that I really liked suggested by my colleague, Nancy, was called "Faith" by Sharon Salzburg. As I said I can't remember specifics but I do remember really liking the book and liking the philosophy or beliefs that she discussed. (She discussed faith from a Buddhist perspective.) It is that kind of faith that she discussed that I feel I have.

I don't believe that there is an omniscient all powerful single entity called "God". I don't want to offend or belittle anyone who believes in such an entity because I also don't think I have all the answers. I mean, who really knows? But I guess I just don't like the idea of a single entity that micromanages all of our lives.

Rather, I think "god" is this universal energy that exists in everything. This energy is within each of us and therefore we are all "god" - we just have to remember that we are. (This idea came from Deepak Chopra's book "Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul".) And, if we remember that we are "god", we can begin making choices that are for the good of all, including ourselves.

This reminds me of something my friend Phil told me a couple of months ago - I described a situation that he called "academic aggression" and then told me that I needed to learn to navigate such situations with "spirit not ego". And, I realized that much of my own misery or anger or frustration or resentment stemmed from my ego, not my spirit. And, when my ego gets involved, I can hurt those around me. But if I remove my ego from the situation and try to act with my spirit, any kind of obstacle or ill feeling or struggle disappears.

Phil had me read a couple of chapters from a book called "This Thing Called You" by Ernest Holmes last fall. I was angry about a particular situation and after I read that, I realized that I had been reacting as if whatever was happening to another person was happening to me - and I was also bringing in old habits and reactions to the situation. In other words, I reacted with my ego. But when I read those excerpts and then removed my ego from the situation, the stress went away and life was easier for those around me. At the time, I likened myself to a thread in a tapestry. We are all threads in this Tapestry of Life. But when my ego gets involved, I start tugging on my thread and that causes snags and buckles in the tapestry and messes up the overall design. If I react with spirit (i.e., without my ego), then the design is in harmony.

I am running out of steam here. I feel like I need to explain more about this sense of faith, but words aren't coming to me. But I wanted all of you who are worried about me to know that my faith has returned and that that faith - this feeling I have inside of me - tells me that I won't die anytime soon. I expect to have many Christmases. I expect to achieve stable disease status. I need to approach my treatments and my life from this sense of spirit and faith and to remove my ego from the situation. Things are as they should be right now. I will admit that it sucks to have to undergo more treatments sooner rather than later. But it is what I need to do. The decision to begin radiation in a few weeks (rather than later in the summer) feels right.

I think the brain mets and Dr. K's message about Christmas are attempts by this universal energy out there to tell me to get back to learning how to live my life by spirit, not ego. I really want to learn how to meditate and I intend to make qigong part of my daily practice.

It is also telling me that I still need to slow down and rest. So, this morning, when I made the decision to apply for social security disability felt right. It is time for me to live life on my own terms and not feel like I have to live up to someone else's expectations at work. I need more time to devote to other spiritual and artistic practices. And, I need to invest more time in my own healing.

So, I have faith that I will be around for a long time to come - and it is that faith that gives me the sense of calm and acceptance and the joy of life that you all say is amazing. I just need to invest the time in my healing to do so. I need to cultivate that faith more. That will be my task in the coming months.

Herminator-2 Cells, Do What You Need To Do!

Okay, after consults with two doctors and my acupuncturist, I have made a treatment decision:

I am not going to do anything for the next two weeks at least.

Yep, do nothing. Let those Herminator-2 cells do their thing, which is kill the cancer.

I saw a radiation oncologist on Tuesday. He saw the tissue necrosis, as well as the weeping and the nodules. When we look at what's going on, we see that the large tumor under my arm has not grown at all. In fact, the tissue around it has necrosis, so we assume that the cancer in the skin is dying. On the other hand, the nodules, which have cancer, seem to be bigger. Is that because the cancer is growing or is it growing because the Herminator-2 cells are in there and causing inflammation? At this point, only time will tell. In the end, he felt that maybe we should hang in there until I see the docs at UW on Sept 16. That way, I stay on the clinical trial, which is a good thing, in the name of furthering understanding of this process. He was fine with waiting two weeks. When I mentioned to him that cancer was on the run, he agreed with me. He also said something that there might be cancer in the fluid leaving the area, which is just what I said in an earlier blog post. So maybe the cancer is on the run.

Then, I saw my acupuncturist. She had just returned the week before from a weekend workshop with her mentor that focused on treating patients with cancer. So she gave me a long long list of dietary changes I can make. I may write it all down sometime, but no time tonight. Then, when she found out that I hadn't had any western medical drugs to treat my cancer, she was excited. She feels we have a good window here to see how Chinese medicine can work with the Herminator-2 cells to fight the cancer. I guess that her mentor uses a series of weekly treatments for cancer patients, so she started me on that treatment. I have appointments with her next week and the week after. So I started to gather food to support this change in diet. I must also not eat sugar or anything with added sugar, white flour, or alcohol. She was excited that I wasn't on any western medicine drugs.

I also saw the wound care nurse about the weeping under my arm, so she put on a waterproof dressing with silver on it to keep it free from infection. I don't have an open wound, per se, but seeping from the skin. The dressing can last two days, so I will see her tomorrow and get another change.

This morning, I saw my regular oncologist and while he couldn't see the armpit, he did see the picture ghat we took on Tuesday. While he is uncomfortable, he will allow me to wait another two weeks and then make a decision then. Maybe we will have a better idea of what's going on.

So, the plan, as I understand it, is to wait. Show Dr. D. the area and see what she says (on Sept 16). Then I will see Dr. K. in Newport, as that is where he will be before he goes on vacation for a week. I will also be in Newport for a work-related meeting.

At this point, I am happy to wait. I have visual proof that there is some death of the cancer there. And my acupuncturist was happy with some of my pulses - they were strong. And I have renewed my commitment to changing my diet and exploring my more spiritual side and changing old patterns.

I will say that I have had a personal challenge recently and I ended up falling into an old pattern. I thought I was justified in my reaction . . . and I think the situation does warrant some kind of response. But then a friend of mine emailed me out of the blue (although we have emailed a few months ago and exchanging strategies for fighting cancer) and he mentioned a concept from a book he has recommended to me and reminded me that we are all part of the energy of life. I read the part of the book he recommended and realized that the person I am angry with is also part of this flow of energy and life and my reaction . . . as well as my not-quite-formed ideas to resolve the situation were created blockages, like knots in the tapestry of life. And that was causing me more stress than I needed at the moment. My acupuncturist had asked whether or not I could let go of the situation and at the time, I was unwilling. But after the email and reading this book ("This Thing Called You" by Ernest Holmes), I realized that I was holding on too tight to my own ego. Once I realized that, I let go and I felt things/energy flowing through me more freely, which made me realize how tightly I was holding onto this issue.

Anyway, this gives me hope that between the Herminator-2 cells and acupuncture, I may soon (in a month or so) have some evidence of the retreat of this cancer. So, wait we will.

More tomorrow on our visit to the State Fair! And I need to post pics.

UW Clinical Trial - More on Visit 3 Tomorrow

I just wanted to let you all know I haven't dropped off the end of the earth. I'm doing well. A bit tired yesterday and today, but not the eye-droopy fatigue of last week and the week before. I was quite euphoric today - partly because I had more energy, partly because I won't have to travel north for a few weeks, partly because I only had one appointment today. I also saw lots of flowering rhodies (will try to transfer photos from my facebook page). The powers that be must've known I was in a good mood today because when I left my office to pick up Spagedward, I walked through the MU Quad - and was greeted by the songs and chirps of many birds. Lots of them. I didn't really try to figure out how many because it was raining and didn't want raindrops in my eyes. But the sound was very cool! I posted on facebook, "the birds are having a concert in the quad" and they were. One of my friends answered, "I think they were trying to tell you that they were happy that you were happy and wanted to make you happier." Of course! Makes perfect sense.

I even played volleyball tonight. I was tired by the third game, but at least I was out there. I didn't play hard, but it was nice to play regardless. Anyway, got to get to bed - more tomorrow!

Thoughts About Work

In the last month or so, I've found myself not really wanting to work.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I feel very fortunate to have a job and to be able to (mostly) do what I want to do when I want to do it. I also can't afford to quit my job. I have too many bills - much of my debt, though, piled up when I was on sabbatical two years ago and I used my home equity line of credit to make up the difference. I didn't want to have to worry about finances since I was dealing with the news of a recurrence and then metastases.

Granted, in the last month or so, my life has been unsettled: I wasn't sure what my new treatment would be and then my family moved into my house. Things are finally settling down there, but I find that I can't really get my mind on my job.

Part of the reason for this is that my mind is becoming more and more focused on healing and reading about things of a more spiritual matter. I've been learning more about meditation, qigong and Eastern philosophy.

I've also been reconnecting with people from high school - which has been healing for me in a lot of ways. (Thanks to Facebook!)

I am still interested in my research projects and I hope to finish with a couple of them by spring break. I need to start working on them though!

But it seems that life is steering me in a different direction - a more spiritual direction because I have a feeling that it will be crucial to my healing. I find myself trying to figure out ways to buy myself out of at least half of my classes next year.

So, my goal for the next year or so is to pay down my debt as much as possible.

And, if anyone has any ideas for a writing fellowship of some sort, I'm all ears!

Back to Work - Kicking and Screaming

Although I am back at work - and was feeling kinda ready to jump back into it - I am finding it hard to be here! Today, even though I got almost eight hours sleep (with a good 4 hour uninterrupted time in there), I'm tired! I think it's back to going to sleep around 10:30 or 11pm and getting up at 6:45am - which is way too early in my opinion!

I also have several applications to write and while they are moving forward, slowly but surely, my attention isn't really on them.

I think it's because my house is still unorganized. Eddie's room is almost completed, but I still have piles of files in my room. I can't imagine my parent's house, though. I think their place must be more discombobulated than mine.

It's a lot of work, moving is.

I am thankful, however, that I'm not teaching this term. I managed to buy myself out of both of my classes - I need to continue my interviews with Yup'ik elders and I will also be doing a little study on cancer blogs.

My right ribs continue to be tender - guess I'll call Dr. K and see about maybe getting an x-ray or something.

Remember that book I read a couple of months ago, "The Unmistakable Touch of Grace"? Well, the latest message I seem to be getting is to somehow unify or balance those energies or forces that are seemingly opposites in my life. A friend of mine said something to that effect in a message to me recently; the Deepak Chopra book I'm reading "Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul" said something about it; and then, last night, when I randomly flipped to a page in this large mandala/meditation book I got on sale at Borders, the mandala depicted and the explanation discussed both Hindu and Buddhist teachings about the "illusion of separation between opposite forces" such as male/female, matter/spirit, etc., and how they are not really separate, but exist simultaneously. Or something like that. My lesson is to learn how to incorporate or open myself up more to my spirit or soul and not just rely on the physical part of healing. Still working on how to articulate it - well, maybe I don't really need to articulate it as there are some things in this world that can't be articulated.

Whew. Philosophy in the morning. Now on to things more practical, like an article review!

The Unmistakable Touch of Grace

I'm reading a book entitled "The Unmistakable Touch of Grace" by Cheryl Richardson. While I'm sometimes uncomfortable with the Christian undertones as well as how commercial her website is (which is why I didn't provide a link to it), I do like what she has to say in the book. The gist of the book is to learn how to recognize when the Divine or the powers that be place messages or opportunities in your path and then to take that path. The path may not always lead you the way you think it's going to, but in the end, it's will contribute to your spiritual growth.

After I was in Hawaii last month (Renee and I had several conversations regarding spirituality), I decided that I should go on a meditation retreat. About a week and a half ago, I mentioned it to a friend and she said that she'd go on one with me. Then, two nights ago, as I read "Touch of Grace", the author mentioned that her work life had become very successful but also too busy, so she decided that after she honored her professional commitments, she'd slow down. One of the first things she did was to go on a meditation retreat. My colleague today told me that she'd take me to this Zen meditation group that meets on Sunday mornings. Just now as I was reading the blog of another cancer blogger (Chris at The Edge of Light), she said that she just started a meditation class.

Hmm. Do ya think the world is trying to tell me something?

Also, while I was in Hawaii, I really connected with turtles. Every time I went into a shop, things with turtles in them caught my eye. I bought turtle earrings, Renee got me a turtle bookmark, I bought a carved bone pendant with a mother turtle carrying a baby turtle on its back (it reminded me of Inupiat umaqqing which is when a mother carries her child on her back), and I bought gifts for family members with turtles. Upon my return home, one of my grad students was wearing a turtle pendant that she bought in Hawaii. Then, on Facebook, someone thanked one of my friends for the turtle necklace and I just happened the read that post. Then, the day before I went to Alaska, I stopped at a stoplight behind a car with, yes, you guessed it, a turtle decal in the window.

Hmm. Do ya think the world is trying to tell me something?

I think the world is trying to tell me to slow down (hence the turtle) and one of my friends this morning also told me that the turtle represents a long life (I like that interpretation, too!). The world is also telling me that my path to slowing down is to do meditation.

What's your take on it?

I Can't Put Her Down

After a busy afternoon, my son and I picked up my niece and nephew so that they could come over and spend the night with my son. I took them out to dinner at a restaurant called Pastini's, which just opened. They're a local chain that operates in Portland - really good pasta. Afterwards, we came to my house and pulled into the garage. And, there was poor Elizabeth, our cat that we've had for 18 months, limping toward the kitchen door dragging her right hind leg. Her paw was hanging limply as if broken.

Luckily, my folks came right over to watch the kids while I took her to the vet. After an hour and x-rays, the diagnosis was a torn achilles tendon. She didn't have any signs that she'd been in a fight or hit by a car, so as near as the vet could tell, she apparently tried to jump up or off of something and got caught, tore her achilles and apparently hit her head or jaw hard enough to break off part of her tooth. One of her claws was torn off.

Treatment choices are 1) amputate her leg; 2) surgery; or 3) euthanize her. (Actually, the vet didn't give me the third choice, but I gathered that that is always an option.) I chose surgery. I'm hoping OSU's vet surgery is open tomorrow, otherwise, I need to drive her up to Clackamas to take her to a vet orthopedic surgeon. I have an appointment at Clackamas at 12 in case I need it.

The cost? $2500.

Criminy. I do have pet insurance which will cover up to $1000. That means $1500 out of pocket.

Can't really afford it. But I also cannot bear the thought of putting her down. While waiting for them to bring Elizabeth back into the room, I thought about the option of putting her to sleep and started to cry. I just can't do it.

The thought occurred to me that this could be me . . . what if insurance or my doctors decided to go the cheaper route of either euthanizing or amputating an appendage? My own battle with cancer can be characterized as doing whatever it takes to maintain a relatively high quality of life. How can I not do the same for this animal that trusts me and who has given me comfort? I have to do what I can to give her a good quality of life.

She is also Eddie's first pet. He's bonded with her and I couldn't bear the thought of taking her away from him.

I know that many people out there believe that animals are just animals, below humans. But in the Inupiaq belief system, animals have spirits, too, and even more, they also have intelligence and free will. Animals are people with a different skin.

Maybe a year ago, maybe less, Scott said that he had a dream while staying at my house in which he saw a cat come out of my bedroom closet and make its way to my bed. Either the week before or the week after, as I was going to sleep, I felt a cat jump onto my bed, but I knew that I'd let Elizabeth out, so she wasn't in my room. My conclusion was that Ptery (short for Pteradactyl - when she was a kitten, she jumped on my shoulders like a bird roosting there - tried a bunch of bird name, but didn't like them) had come to visit. Ptery died in Dec 2006. I got her initially in 1989 and she was my cat for a few years, until I moved to DC to do some work. Then, my brothers and then my folks inherited her. Ptery became their cat. But she still remembered me. It reminded me of one of Richard Bach's books, I think the one called "A Bridge Across Forever" in which he and his then-wife, Leslie, were trying to learn how to have their spirits travel outside of their body while they slept. When they finally remembered doing so, Leslie said that she saw the ghost or spirit of a cat she had owned still hanging out with her.

So, I can't put her to sleep. The good news is that I refinanced the house, with cash out, a little over a week ago - my interest rate is a full percentage point lower than my current mortgage and I also save almost $300 a month in mortgage payments. So, I guess some of my cash will go to the surgery instead of doing something in the house. The house can wait.

Okay, road gods, please be clear if I have to go to Clackamas! The roads north of here have been really really bad . . . but hopefully they clear up.

It's always something, huh?

The Fantastic Four, Assisted by Flower Faeries, Elves, and Oompa Loompas

Today, as I thought about my visualization of healing this Bat Cave, I thought that I shouldn't just call on my spirit helper, but also on Batman. Then, when I thought about healing, I remembered Claire, the Cheerleader, on the TV shoe, Heroes.

Scott has been an avid watcher of this show since the beginning, but I didn't take the time to watch it also. By the time I would've started watching it, so much had happened that I wouldn't be able to follow along. I decided to finally watch it when I saw Season 1 come out on DVD, so I bought the 5-disc set (this was post-surgery) and proceeded to watch all the episodes. I'm hooked.

Unfortunately, I tuned in too late to catch any of the short-lived Season 2 (only 11 episodes because of the writers' strike last fall), but I hear tell that Season 2 comes on DVD in two days. Guess who will be buying a set? Yep, yours truly. I've seen some of the previews for the new season, so I absolutely need to get caught up beforehand. (One day, as we were standing in line to rent DVDs for Eddie, I saw a Heroes magazine. I bought it. Silly me. But it was interesting and fun to read. There was a quiz you could take to determine what Hero you were. Guess who I was? Mohinder Suresh, the professor without powers. I figured that was about right. Scott was Nikki. He wanted to be the guy who can fly - Nathan, but instead he was this two-personality Hero.)

Anyway, I thought of Claire the Cheerleader, so this morning, I invited her and Bat Man both to help in the healing effort. Bat Man creates cool, handy gadgets - a nice guy to put together the scaffolding - and Claire supplies the healing energy and my helper guy designs the whole thing. I play hostess and supply grunt work!

Carver commented to my earlier post today (To the Bat Cave) that she was going to beam flower faeries to help in the effort. She had this beautiful photo of a blue flower she posted at Carver Cards that had this wonderful white beam of light in the middle - I said something like it seemed like a place where one could beam to and she replied, "Beam Me Up, Scotty!", so that's where beaming the flower faeries come in.

I asked elves to help in my earlier post, but since I thought about Gene Wilder and the Chocolate Factory a couple of weeks ago, I decided to ask for some help from those industrious Oompa Loompas, too. Can't hurt, huh?

Thanks again, everyone!

The Spirit Helper

Within about a week or so after my surgery, after I received the news that there were tendrils of cancer throughout the breast tissue and I was facing the possibility of chemo, radiation, etc., (and I didn't want to go that route unless I absolutely needed to), I was fairly depressed and I despaired of making a decision. That was in late November.

I went to sleep about 10pm one night, after talking to Scott. I fell right out. Then, I sensed something. I struggled to open my eyes, as they felt dried out from the contacts. When I finally could open them, there was a balding man in a robe standing to the right side of the bed. I looked at him. He looked at me with a gaze that was somber - not menacing or happy, but with a resolute look on his face. It scared the bejeezus out of me.

Then, I woke up for real. I opened my eyes and there was no one by the bed. I looked at my alarm clock - 10:40pm. I called Scott (he's a night owl) back right away as I was a bit freaked out.

His first question to me was: "Which side of the bed was he on?" I replied, the right side. Scott said, "that's good". I asked why and he said that if it had been on the left side, it would've been bad news, but the right side is good news. His interpretation was that this visitor (as I came to call him) was trying to tell me that it might be hard but that it would all work out at the end.

I'd just finished reading Bernie Segal's Love, Medicine, and Miracles", which is about a group of Exceptional Cancer Patients who, by virtue of positive thinking (and this is just a quick take on the book) and meditation and visualization, assist in their own cure from cancer.

I found it inspiring so my first thought was that this visitor was Bernie giving me a message. My mom asked if it could possibly be my paternal grandfather. Perhaps.

Then, in June, I read a book entitled "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian Weiss, which is about using hypnosis to learn about past-lives in order to cure people from fears, phobias, disease, etc. Individuals that called themselves "Masters" would occasionally talk to Brian through his patient and teach him things. One point he makes is that we are here on earth to learn certain lessons and I began thinking about what some of my own lessons might be. They included things like rewriting this idea in my head that I don't belong, learning to let go of anger, frustration, and resentment over other people's actions, learning not to try to control or manipulate other people, etc. I mentioned this to my acupuncturist on a Friday and then to Scott, who performed reiki on me on the next day, that my intention was to learn these lessons and let go of certain things. My acupuncturist treated me with the intention of balancing some of these ancestral issues.

And, because of those treatments, I think I have changed. Those issues were toxic to my relationship with Scott. He commented last week that he thinks there has been a big change. I feel it, too, because there have been several times when I could've gotten really angry and then manipulative or turned around a depression, or been resentful of something, but I haven't gone there. My reactions have changed and that's a good thing.

I've since begun thinking of my visitor as one of those Masters. It has been a difficult experience, especially these past six months when I learned I had metastases. But I feel so different inside that I think the CT scan results will come back clean.

Now, I just need to get through this Bat Cave experience. I know I can do it. I've encountered many obstacles in this experience and I made it through. It's interesting phenomenon for me to say this, but, I have faith. I called on this Master or spirit helper to help heal the radiation burn. I called on him to help me with the Stray Cat Strut. I called on him last night when I woke up to start healing this cavity.

And, I woke up in a good mood, thinking, "To the Bat Cave!" Thank you to everyone who help me on this journey by praying for me, sending me blessings and good thoughts and good energy. It has really really helped.