Coming to Terms

A week or two ago, I was feeling a little sad about the limitations I have been experiencing with regard to playing volleyball and/or doing other activities in the evening. I was mad that I'm having to give up something I enjoy. I resented cancer for taking that away.

I'm trying to let go of that disappointment and sadness. It's sorta like regret for a past action - it's comparing myself now to what myself was a couple of years ago.

A lot of what I'm reading these days, like Deepak Chopra's "Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul", Thich Naht Nanh's "The Miracle of Mindfulness", Ernest Holmes's "This Thing Called You", Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love", and Cheryl Richardson's "The Unmistakable Touch of Grace", advise people to learn to live in the moment, to be aware of what you're doing, to be present, etc. Also, in the book "Anticancer" by David Servan-Schreiber, the author states that cancer thrives in an inflammatory "terrain" (that is, your body). He advocates a variety of activities that are designed to counteract the inflammation that cancer likes, which include diet, physical activity, a healthy emotional state, and a peaceful, serene environment.

So, with that in mind, I'm letting go of the disappointment - that emotion doesn't need to stay in my body to increase the inflammation. I decided this morning that I needed to focus instead on the positive and on what really matters, my priorities. At this particular moment, my focus is on my health, my family, and my work.

I'm excited about the things that I'm reading about health and spirituality. I'm trying to incorporate some if not most of the strategies discussed in the books. It's interesting reading and it makes me think about a lot of things. It's not only interesting for my health but also from an anthropological perspective. I can probably use some of what I'm learning for work-related research. The book Anticancer seems to corroborate what the UW immunotherapy trial is trying to do.

I'm also excited about my family: I've enjoyed having my folks and my brother in the house. I never particularly liked living alone and now that they are here and we've adjusted to the new living situation, it's nice. Dad has been doing work on the yard; mom and dad have been cooking (yay!); my brother's around to help with computer stuff and we watch NCIS together. So, projects are underway here - and I finally finally finished grouting my mosaic and I put sealant on it tonight. It may soon be in my yard on the pedestal! Now, on to the next art project: I found out the other day that the Alaska Native Tribal Health Consortium is coordinating a beadwork quilt in which cancer survivors bead squares as part of the design. I think I may work on that. Eddie is also doing well in school; he enjoys having my family around. My parents' dog is sleeping with him, too. He likes that.

And, I finally got my head into work. There's a lot of things going on with my department (mostly good), and several of my projects are moving forward. I still have to work on two particular projects which enabled me to have this term off. But there's been good news - I have a fellowship for next winter that buys me out of two classes - I will use the time to work on a book. I'm excited about my research projects . . . now I just need time to work on them!

In the end, it's a matter of using my energy to heal and to enjoy life. I still enjoy life if I don't play volleyball. Volleyball isn't the only thing enjoyable about life. So, focus on what I can do and what I enjoy and what I'm excited about. It's all good.

Herceptin - One Week Out

I've been tired today. I think it's due to residual effects of Herceptin and trying to fight off a cold.

I also had a nice walk yesterday morning in the forest, in a drizzle, with Cat and her dogs. It wasn't a long walk, but since I'm still recovering a bit from Herceptin, maybe it tired me out. I woke up feeling great yesterday, so didn't think anything about whether or not it might tire me out some. I don't regret the walk, though! It's nice to get out and get some fresh air!

My theory with regard to being tired due to Herceptin is this: for a few days last week, my body was trying to flush the Herceptin out of my body. Now, it's trying to flush the dead cancer cells out of my body. That takes work.

Also, it seems that the swollen lymph nodes are still shrinking a bit. It's really hard to tell. Sometimes, it feels the same and sometimes, it feels like it might be smaller. They may have moved around a little bit. They've been tender the last couple of days and that may be due to my body trying to clear out the cancer and/or lifting and holding Baby Gooey.

I've had a slight sore throat, too, and took Airborne today so that it doesn't develop into more of a cold. My nose has been a bit runny today.

Other than that, dad and Scotty rearranged Eddie's room and it feels a lot bigger. I got pictures and other things organized there. Then, I was able to move a few more things out of my room so it's starting to feel less cluttered. I posted about 20 or so items on Craigslist on Thursday and already we've sold about 6 of them and two more people are stopping by tomorrow for a couple of things. So, the garage is feeling less cluttered and we have a little spending money. I paid some bills and also did some preparation for filing my taxes, like calculating out of pocket expenses for medical bills.

All in all, a productive day, even if I spent most of it on the couch! : )

Lazy Day

Now, I'm realizing why I bring Eddie to school every morning! It's to get me out of the house and at work!! LOL

Eddie's dad took him to school this morning, so I'm able to have a lazy morning.

I need to get going, though. I have an eye appointment and then I'll help out in Eddie's classroom.

Yesterday was a little rough. I started it off with a bloody nose, had a bit of diarrhea again, and the pain in my right ribs had migrated around to the back ribs. It bothered me to breath deep, so my breathing was shallow.

It's better now. I slept last night in an "Under Armour" shirt and that gave the ribs more support. I think it helped because I'm able to take deep breaths without more than a tinge of pain.

Enjoy your Friday! 7 more days until Christmas!

Earache's gone, but now ...

I have diarrhea and my sore ribs are aching more.

Not sure what's causing the diarrhea - it is a side effect of Tykerb and I was off of it for three days while I waited for my doctor, the pharmacy, and insurance to do what it is they do best. I started taking it again on Sunday, so perhaps my body is adjusting to it again.

My sore ribs, though, may indicate a fracture. The slight pain has been increasing - deep breaths hurt and last night, I experienced pain as I tried to roll over on my side.

My doctor or my physician's assistant noted that when bones are radiated (and my ribs on the right side have been radiated twice), it changes the architecture of the bones and sometimes, they can spontaneously fracture. I didn't really do anything strenous lately and I haven't fallen on them. I have tried to sleep on that right side more since I have swollen lymph nodes under my right arm and they get uncomfortable when I sleep on that side. It's one of those cases where I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't when I try to sleep. A few weeks ago, I may have overreached once when I played v-ball, but if that's the case, then why have I been experiencing more pain in the last week?

I know there isn't much to do with broken or fractured ribs. They just need time to heal. I am, however, thinking about asking my doctor if I should get an x-ray.

I was feeling sorry for myself, but my cousin expressed sympathy for me, King Island-style, on Facebook a minute or two ago and my mood kinda lifted. Amazing how that kind of support can make you feel.

I also finished this introductory chapter for a book proposal today. That feels good.

Tonight, I'm would like to get my Christmas cards ready to send out.

P.S. Eddie had a bit of diarrhea, too, which suggests that he and I were around something or ate something that would cause both of us to get it. We made cookies at my sister's house on Sunday - something we ate? That would've affected us sooner, so maybe some little bug over there? Who knows? I'm feeling better today. And, I got my cards ready to go. Eddie has a Christmas worship service tonight so while his stomach isn't quite 100%, he's still going to try to go to school so he can go to the program tonight.

What a day, what a day, what a day

I've been fighting an earache for three days, sometimes with a sinus headache. (Of course, in the back of my mind, there was always the worry of there being a tumor somewhere in the brain causing these aches.)

I also had to get my teeth cleaned. I also have a canker sore on the back and bottom of my tongue. The dentist felt that there's a cavity next to one of my crowns, which is apparently getting old. So, the dentist wants to redo the crown and while he's there, he'll be able to see if there's a cavity. Price tag - about $300. It's not urgent, so it'll wait until spring after I receive my tax refund.

After the dentist's, I went to Immediate Care to have my ear checked. No infection, but the doctor felt that my eustachian tube is congested. So, she gave me a prescription for a decongestant. I dropped it off at the pharmacy and when I looked at the prescription, I realized that the doctor didn't write my name on the prescription, but another patient's. Fortunately, the pharmacy said they'd call the doctor to verify that the prescription is for me, not the other person, and then they'd fill it.

Then, I went to Freddies to pick up a couple of things. I went through the U-Scan and then paid with my debit because I wanted cash back - only $20.

I then parked at Eddie's school and it was when I was walking to my office that I realized that I left my cash in the dispenser.

I grabbed a bite to eat on my way to my office and called Freddies - they said to come in and fill out a form about the cash and noted that no one turned in a lost $20. If no one turns it in, then I lost $20.

I had Thai food for lunch and as I bit into the carrots and broccoli, my molars hurt - obviously from the cleaning today. My jaw is still sore.

I went to my office and then went to the Dean's Holiday Party. Had some good visits with various people, including a couple of conversations about this new initiative that launched a few weeks ago.

Went back to the office and talked to my Chair about future plans; one that I proposed won't work, but I think I can figure out a work-around.

Picked up Eddie, went to Freddies, filled out the form, then to the pharmacy - got the decongestant, but insurance didn't pay for it, so it was $11 out of pocket.

End of day tally: Negatives - sore jaw, congested eustachian tube, lost $20, paid $11 for a prescription, need a new crown for about $300, still need to grade about 7 papers. Positives - good conversations, good food.

I took a decongestant a couple of hours ago and there already seems to be some improvement in the earache and small sinus headache. Whew. Seemingly no tumors, then. Things like the earache are like salt in a wound when you're living with metastatic cancer. On the other hand, why not me?

It ended up being a good day. A little touch and go there, but a good day. Especially since I will soon be finished grading papers! Yay!

Illness Update

I didn't mean to make my last post sound dire - if anything, I have mild symptoms, just slightly achey, slight headache, some fatigue. It could be a lot worse. It's just kinda hanging on, which tells me that I need to rest. Luckily, I don't teach for a week or so - I'll be in Alaska interviewing and such, but most of the time, it'll be things I enjoy and I have students to help me out with the technical side of things. And, I'm with my relatives and other Alaska Natives which is always a good thing.

My son started getting a runny nose yesterday - not sure if he has a cold or if he just has some allergies to the hay. He's decided to rest up today so that we can go to Bauman Farms tomorrow. It's been rainy here today but only scattered showers are expected tomorrow. Yesterday, we went to another local farm, Heavenly Harvest, and raced ducks, shot the corn cannon, and went on a hayride and picked out pumpkins. It ended up being a beautiful if muggy day - temperatures got up to 75 I think, which is unusual for this time of year. We were supposed to have some showers according to the paper, but they didn't materialize until today. Afterwards, we just rested after we came home.

Today, we ran some errands. I'm trying to declutter the house a little bit, write thank you cards, hang up a new picture, and decorate pumpkins. An open house at a colleague's later. Dinner at a friend's tomorrow evening.

Happy week-end everyone!

An Almost Relapse?

I woke up yesterday feeling really tired, like I hadn't slept. However, yesterday was a teaching day, so I had to go to work. Extra caffeine yesterday morning gave me enough energy to teach. But afterwards, all I wanted to do was to come home and rest. I picked Eddie up after school and just stayed home, watching TV. I felt a slight sore throat and toward the evening, my neck and shoulders were achey. I didn't go to bed early, but I did rest all evening and then got about 8 hours sleep.

Mom and Dad brought over dinner for me - Dad had already prepared it. I feel really lucky that they're close enough to do things like that for me.

So, I feel okay today. Not 100%, but maybe like 85-90%. I don't have the sore throat or the achiness. Good thing - I have a couple of appointments today. Eddie doesn't have school, so he's going over to my folks house.

Thanks, mom and dad, for bringing over dinner! It really helped!

Still Have a Cold But Functioning

I still have a cold - coughing and sneezing and snuffling - cold medicine helps with those symptoms - but I seem to be functional. Walked back and forth to my office from my son's school twice. Had my zometa appointment - tumor marker numbers should come back next week. Completed two paperwork obligations at work. Not bad for someone who's sick, eh?

No plans this week-end other than resting and cleaning up here and there at home. Speaking of which, I need to get a load of clothes in the wash .. . have a great week-end everyone!

I definitely have a cold

Last night, after this meeting at Eddie's school, I started getting the chills. Took my temperature - it ranged from 99.6 to 100.8. Dang! So, I stayed home today - my nose is congested and I have a cough from post-nasal drip. Rescheduled my zometa appointment, which was supposed to be today. Figured I shouldn't infect other cancer patients.

My class went fairly well yesterday - found energy somehow! We'll see how tomorrow goes. I only hope I can make it. I may take it easy and show a film.

I watched daytime TV all day - if that isn't enough to get me over this cold sooner, I don't know what is! LOL

Well, signing off. Have a good night everyone!

Home again home again

. . . but not looking forward to work! Eddie and I could get used to living in Hawaii for awhile. I'd like to figure out a way to stay over there for a month. I realize that I say that every time I travel . . .

Anyway, we had a wonderful time with wonderful hosts. Arna, Renee's partner, was wonderful about helping Eddie with the boogie board on Sunday. We saw a turtle again from a distance. Renee helped, too, and she was trying to coax me a little bit further into the ocean to see the fish, but it seemed to me that the waves were a bit stronger there. I didn't quite have the confidence to go further. So, Renee gave me and Eddie an assignment for next time: learn how to swim better!

Sunday night, we had dinner with her colleagues and had an interesting discussion of things like indigenous epistemology, education, folklore, and anthropology. One woman says that "anthropology is a dying discipline; unless, of course, an indigenous person uses it". I think what she means is that the type of anthropology that grew out of colonialism is dying and the only way it can survive is if anthropologists study their own cultures. She said that when that happens, then it becomes sociology. I disagreed and said that sociology usually looks at larger social processes; anthropology's strength is looking at a micro-level - anthropologists actually talk to people. I should have also added that anthropology is more holistic than other disciplines - it tries to understand the impact of economics, politics, etc., on a group's culture and vice versa. It was a good discussion and one that gave me quite a bit of food for thought.

I caught a cold - Sunday night, I noticed a slight sore throat. Monday morning, I had to pack and I could feel of congestion. It's a cold now. Slightly stuffy nose. A slight cough. A slight headache when I woke up this morning. I took 1000mg of Vitamin C before bed and slept fairly well. I'll take more this morning and also Airborne or something else.

A big "iliGanamik" (King Island Inupiaq for "thank you") to Renee and Arna, Renee's parents, and everyone else I met in Hawaii. We had a wonderful time!

I teach today at noon ... and then a meeting at Eddie's school. Then, rest rest rest. Happy Tuesday everyone!

Sigh! Feeling MUCH Better

I'm feeling MUCH better today! Although my digestive system is not yet 100%, it's 90% or better and I feel back to my positive good self. There's something about stomach problems and nausea that really gets me down, more so that a cough or whatever. I remember that even with those few weeks of morning sickness I had when I was pregnant. That's why I dread the thought of IV chemo again and how I react to anesthesia. I hate nausea more than anything.

But it's gone now and I'm regaining strength (my legs felt shaky all day yesterday). Yay!

I would be grading now but my students haven't turned much in yet. I have two short papers I can grade . . .

I need to wrap my head around summer travel plans - will probably settle on something tomorrow. I need to talk to a few people first - like folks in Alaska as well as my mom.

I've been invited to attend a symposium and workshop in Oxford, England, on their dime, in August. Hard to pass something like that up.

Hmmm . . . definitely feeling better if I'm thinking about travel stuff, too. Also, the issue that Scott had to take care of looks like it's close to being resolved, so there's less stress there, too. I tend to reflect the mood of those around me - I take on their stress. I need to stop doing that as I have enough of my own, right? : ) Easier said than done . . .

Have a great day!

Feeling Better!?! : )

My stomach is not quite right yet - when I woke up in the middle of the night, I drank a sip of water and it almost came right back up and then I got the chills. I changed into my flannel pj's and put another blanket on the bed and ate a bunch of plain crackers. I was able to sleep 'til almost 7am.

This morning, all I really wanted to do was to take it easy and watch movies at home. However, I had to shower and get dressed because I had to go to a thesis defense this morning. I'm glad that I went - it was interesting - although physically it was still touch and go. My legs felt a little shaky and I feel really tired.

After the defense, I picked up a couple of things in my office, had lunch, then walked to my car and came home. I watched the movie "7 Pounds" with Will Smith. It was a good movie, [spoiler alert] if a tearjerker. I think I got the crying out of my system, though.

So, mentally, I feel better, but my tummy still isn't quite right. It's gurgling away and trying to cramp up. Good thing I don't have to do much today!

Eddie has strep

We took Eddie to the doctor yesterday and it turns out that he has strep. I guess with strep, you don't need to have a sore throat nor any throat involvement at all. Eddie's strep manifested as a fever and he had little red bumps on the chest and the back. He also had a lack of appetite.

So, with antibiotics, Eddie is on the mend and should be able to go back to school. I think he's ready . . . and I'm just happy to see him giggling and laughing again!

Eddie, the Poor Guy

Eddie is home sick again, today, with a fever that has been as high as 102.6. We leave in a few minutes to see one of the pediatricians at the clinic. Will see what they make of it.

For the most part, he hasn't had many symptoms, other than a fever and lack of appetite. Sometimes he's had a headache. For the past day or so, he has also had a stuffy nose. His eyes started to water today and one eye is puffy because he's rubbing it so much. I bet in his weakened state, he now has a sinus infection.

Poor guy. Because he couldn't breathe out of his nose last night, we both didn't sleep well.

In the meantime, today was Z-day, only now I just have to take Zometa. No more Zoladex for me, since my ovaries were removed! Yay!

I have great parents

I've been feeling a bit anxious and stressed today. I was relatively productive, but I still had a whole list of things to do. Could it be my upcoming surgery?

Then, after coming home and eating some popcorn, my stomach felt upset - bloated - and a bit lightheaded/motion sick. I drank some ginger tea and laid down on my stomach and it gradually felt somewhat better. It's still a little bit upset, though.

I've also felt really rundown and low energy - like I could've gone to sleep around 7:30pm.

I called and talked to my folks - they'll take care of my son on Wed when I have a faculty meeting and then we chatted about my surgery on Friday. Dad said that they'd bring me to the hospital at 6am and they more or less planned to hang out at the hospital all day. I told him that I was going to be out of it and that it probably wasn't necessary, but they want to be there.

I have great folks, huh? They are one of the reasons why I'm doing so well . . . I think just knowing they're going to be there for me will bring me a degree of comfort.

Thanks, mom and dad. I love you.

A Productive Work Day but Some Bad News, Too

My lecture was fine today and then I was able to get a lot of paperwork done at work - letters of recommendation, posting powerpoint lectures on Blackboard, getting a mid-term study guide uploaded, setting up groups, copying stuff off, completing my assessment rubric, etc. I'm still working on a couple of things, namely reading abstracts for the Arctic Science Summit Week in March and starting to put together my powerpoint presentation for our department's Tan Sack lecture.

But this morning, I started to feel a bit of a sore throat. My nose is starting to run. I sure as hell hope I can keep this cold from getting worse - one of the last things he told me was to stay healthy and try not to catch anything from anyone!! So, I'm laying low tonight and taking Airborne. Gonna try to go to bed early.

I just found out that Oregon's unemployment rate is 9.1% or something - one of the worst five in the nation. My partner, Scott, is now part of that statistic - he was laid off from his job today. We're both worried, of course, but now it seems that it's time for him to make a career move and go back to school. We'll keep you posted on that end ...

Cancelled the Greenland trip

In two weeks, I was supposed to be attending the International Arctic Social Science Associatioon conference in Nuuk, Greenland. But for two big reasons, I ended up canceling the trip on Monday. I woke up almost giddy on Tuesday morning, which told me that that was the right decision.

First, my travel agent has been trying to get our flights booked, but there were apparently no flights available from Reykjavik, Iceland to Nuuk. The conference website said to contact these two individuals in case there were travel difficulties, so she emailed them, but no response. I think she contacted the airlines, but no response. So, we were "waitlisted" for those flights but we were never able to get on them. I remember my undergrad student trying to figure out how to get there several months and at that point, she kept running into road blocks, too. I tried once or twice, but found it difficult - the websites for the airlines would freeze up. It just seemed too difficult and then my student attempted to then fly to Copenhagen, but those flights take her to two other towns (not Nuuk) and then she'd have to get to Nuuk on small planes, but those flights were booked.

Second, on Monday, I was still pretty fatigued and frustrated about the fatigue, fever, and the cough/chest congestion. It just didn't seem that I'd be ready to travel in two weeks. I've been feeling better (no fever at least, and better sleep), but there is still some fatigue, probably due to both post-radiation effects as well as not getting a full 7-8 hours sleep.

Anyway, I think part of my mood on Monday was realizing that, while I would really like to see Greenland someday, this year wasn't going to be the year to do that. It was tough to admit that my body is just not ready for such arduous travel. That's when I realized that I am a cancer patient at the moment and I just have to remember that I need to take care of that first and not try to do too much. It's disappointing because I don't want to be reminded that I need to keep paying attention to my health.

Most of the time, I don't think of myself as a cancer patient or a survivor or whatever. I'm just someone who also happens to have cancer. I'm just me. Cancer doesn't define me.

But someday, soon, I feel it in my bones (literally), I will be able to say that I am someone who USED to have cancer. Believe me, there's gonna be a big celebration when that happens!! And, you're all invited!

We're both feeling better. . .

Eddie and I both took our temperatures this morning - my temp was 98.7 and his was 99.0. His was as high last night as 101.2. So, it's still slightly elevated, but not badly so.

Luckily, whatever hit me didn't hit as bad as it did Eddie. I still had an appetite, for instance, where Eddie survived on just grapes, a go-gurt, and water yesterday. I didn't eat as much because I was just too lazy to eat more but I did eat three meals and some snacks. Eddie had two long (hour and a half) naps yesterday.

We slept from 10pm to about 7:30am .. . Eddie woke up about 2:30am and fell back asleep. I woke up 1am, 2:30am, 5:00am, 6:00am, 7:00am and 7:30am. Typical for me. But I feel rested.

I still have some achey muscles and a slight headache. Wonder if the slight headache is because I didn't have as much caffeine yesterday.

At any rate, I'm having my usual toast and Eddie is eating cereal, so I think we're both on the mend! Thank you, everyone, for your healing thoughts!

Now It's My Turn!! Crap!

Shortly after I posted about Eddie's fever, I went outside to turn off the sprinklers and got chilled ... and then never got unchilled after coming inside. My lower back and legs are achy. My stomach was a bit off, but not much. Mostly achy and chills. Took my temperature about 15 minutes ago - 99.6.

Sigh. This is what some might call adding insult (a fever and aches) to injury (cancer, radiation, surgery, etc.) .. .

Luckily, my folks were coming over here in the morning to help me clean. Mom will also bring chicken noodle soup and ginger ale or something like that. This is when I'm thankful they are close! They've been a tremendous help ... sometimes I feel bad about how much they help and I try to reciprocate.

Maybe I will finally get a good night's sleep!

Bottling Up Emotions with regard to Health and Illness

Some of you know that I had a bout of adrenal fatigue last May, right around Mother's Day and a lotof it may have been due to stress. As a result of that fatigue, I started counseling to try to find ways to alleviate the stress.

One of the books my counselor recommended was called "The Dance of Anger" and the gist of it was that women in our society are socialized never to get angry. Instead they seek to please everyone, but ignore their own needs, including the fact that it is okay to get angry. Often, women like this (and I am one of them) wait until things get so bad - they get so angry - that it often explodes out of them. One trick is to acknowledge and express that anger before it gets out of control. (There are some women who do express their anger, but they are often denigrated and called "bitches", but that doesn't apply to today's post.) Also, women like this tend to think that if someone is mad at them, it's their own fault, not the other person's. So, on top of being angry, they then feel guilty about being angry because they don't feel they are supposed to be.

Obviously, while anger is one strong emotion women often deny themselves, sadness, irritation, frustration, etc., are a bunch of other feelings that we often don't acknowledge because we are supposed to always be pleasant and smiling and to do whatever is asked of us. Repressing your emotions and keeping it to yourself does have an impact on your health.

When I started acupuncture, Brodie asked me how I was doing emotionally and what my stress level was. One point she made is that, according to traditional Chinese medicine, problems with your breasts, i.e., breast cancer, is a result of bottling up your emotions. It blocks your liver chi, which then loses its ability to filter out waste and abnormal cells. So, she has been advising me to learn to recognize and feel all those emotions when they start to happen and then to let those emotions pass THROUGH me, to allow my liver to process it and let go of it and not harbor it inside where it can be harmful to my health. It's hard to learn how to do this because women are taught that we shouldn't express negative emotions.

For me, not sharing what's going on with my life - how I'm feeling, what's going on with my personal relationships and at work - also has the effect of bottling up my emotions. There was a time when I didn't share with anyone what was going on with me. I hid stress and sadness between a smile and a "I'm fine". So, in the interest of my health, I opt for being open.