As Promised - the Stray Cat Strut Mandala

Gosh, has it already been two months? I think I posted at the end of July or beginning of August that I wanted to create a mandala entitled the Stray Cat Strut. I drafted out a design shortly thereafter, but I haven't taken the time to create the final version. (Partly, I lost the compass I'd bought in early July; I can't find it anywhere. Finally bought a new one last week.)

I finally took the time to create it last Sunday afternoon. Voila!



This is an abstract skeleton - there's the main blue t-shape that represents my arms, spines, and the beginnings of my legs at the bottom. Blue represents calmness, serenity, healing, and strength to me. There is a cat (looking at it from above) about mid-way down my spine. This cat is cruising through my bones, swishing out cancer with its tail. The cancer is represented by red - which is related to the anger that I was trying to release after I colored "Slow Burn". As you can see, the arms and top part of the spine have no red in them. There is red that's been knocked out of the arms and the spine, floating outside my body in a pool of healing blue. The cat has just flicked its tail to knock out another red cancer area. The bottom part of my spine and my legs are more purplish in color - this represents a mixing of healing blue and red cancer. Healing blue is already there since I've been on anti-tumor meds since February, but it hasn't quite conquered the red cancer - since my CT scan still showed calcium deposits in my bone marrow. My body and the knocked-out cancer cells are surrounded by a yellow, healing light, which then begins to radiate outward in the orange.

I'll be the first to admit that I can't draw well, but I think that the colors work very well, overall, even if I do say so myself. I plan to post this somewhere in my house and a copy in my office so that I can remember to take a few minutes to visualize this Stray Cat knocking out the cancer in my bones. (Remember, I first got the idea of using the song, Stray Cat Strut, to visualize knocking out cancer when I heard the song while laying on the radiation table.)

There you have it, folks. Enjoy!

Booblessness and Reconstruction

As my faithful readers, friends, family, and colleagues know, I lost the tissue expander on the right, radiated side about six or seven weeks ago. It was somewhat traumatic, but I got through it. Now, however, I am completely flat on the right side and "flat" may be a optimistic at best - sunken in is more like it.

I'm still getting used to it and I feel it's pretty noticeable. After all, before that, I had at least the semblance of breasts. There was a small mound on the right side with the tissue expander and an even bigger mound on the left side (between an A and a B cup there). However, being "boobless", I've found myself buying blousy, loose shirts these past few weeks to disguise the flatness. (Granted, it was partly an excuse to buy new clothes!) Finding these styles of shirts is hard, you know, because a lot of the styles now are tight, form-fitting, low-cut, tailored kinds of shirts. Luckily, the stores are selling peasant-style blouses, too.

This morning, though, I decided (after putting on another new shirt that wasn't as loose as I thought) that I was spending too much mental energy (not to mention money) into disguising the flatness. Everyone I know and care about knows that I am flat. I decided that I needed not to care what strangers think anymore. (Which goes to show you just how fixated our society is on image - I was buying into the whole thing, but that's a post for another time.) Soooo . . . I'm going to stop worrying about it.

I do plan to have reconstruction at some time in the future. . . I just want to feel and look normal in my clothes. But until then? Who cares what people think, right?

Hey, is "booblessness" a word? : )

A Nice Personal Touch

I want to preface this post with saying that something certainly needs to be done about the health care system in this country. My youngest brother does not have health insurance, is unemployed and before that, he only had health care services because he was in school at a local university. He hasn't seen a dentist in years and has just been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. For that diagnosis, he had to get care through the Indian Health Service, about an hour's drive away. My folks are both retired and drawing Social Security - mom will finally be eligible for Medicare this month. She has hearing problems and needs hearing aids, but can't afford them. She's still paying on a hospital and clinic bill incurred from a hospitalization several years ago. My partner has been going round and round with his insurance about another bill. In other words, I am very aware of the challenges that my own family and friends have to face when dealing with insurance and paying for health care.

I know how very fortunate I am because I have had hardly any problems with my insurance (Regence Blue Cross/Blue Shield) regarding my care. A few months ago, I was paying as much as $200/month on dressings, gauze pads, and tape for the open wound, but my wound care nurse gave me a durable medical supplies catalog and I started ordering through them and they bill my insurance first. For the past three months, I've only had about $75 or maybe $100 in out of pocket expenses. My insurance also pays for 70% of my acupuncture treatments - I still have to pay for the herbal supplements though. That's okay.

When I mentioned to my counselor that I have had good luck with my insurance - and although my partner has the same insurance company, his policy is not as good as mine - she observed that my policy may be better than most because I work for the state and also because I am a professor (a well educated consumer). I had to concede that my profession may indeed have played a part in having a good insurance policy.

This is all a prelude to something that occurred with my insurance last week. I received a form from Regence that asked me to report any injuries or accidents that might involve billing another party for any services that I received. (Granted, they were trying to find someone else to pay for my services.) The dates of service coincided with the removal of the tissue expander (see that post here). So, I called the Regence number and talked to someone named Robin. After explaining to her that the services were related to my cancer treatment, not any kind of accident, I then asked why I had received the form. She said that certain diagnosis codes flag the computer to send out the form. In my case, the diagnosis was "open chest wound", which was true enough. I then told her about everything that happened and she said that I do not need to fill out the form stating that there was no accident and that she would file the report via the telephone herself. Cool. I just had to talk to her for a few minutes - I was saved from having to write out the explanation on the form.

Well, yesterday, in the mail, I received a nice hand-written card from her. Among other things, she stated that she wanted to send me encouragement, that she was encouraged by my cheerfulness, and that my great attitude will play a big part in my recovery, and finally, she reminded me that their website does have tips and other resources for handling side effects or other aspects of my cancer treatment.

How often does one ever get a hand-written card of encouragement from one's insurance company? If anyone else ever has, I would love to hear about it.

I would wager that it's very rare. So, let's all give a big round of applause to Robin for taking the initiative and giving me her personal touch. And, Regence, she deserves a raise. Patients with chronic or life-threatening illnesses all deserve more Robins in their lives, especially from insurance providers and other people giving health services! Thank you, Robin!

Weekend Plans

So, what are all you folks doin' for the weekend?

I head up to Portland tonight, to hang out with Scott and one of his friends.

Tomorrow, after lunch, I will head back home, pick up my son, and then I believe my folks, Eddie, and I will go to our town's Fall Festival. Dad said that there's an African group that's supposed to be performing. Should be fun! Then, I'm going to play cards at my friend's house on Saturday night - the usual Sat night activity, except that I haven't gone much this summer. They've been starting the games late (around 8:30 or 9pm) and for much of the summer, I felt too tired. I was also hanging out with Scott a lot. But now that I'm feeling more energetic and will be home Sat night without Scott, I think I will head up there and get reacquainted with that group of friends - they are like a second family to me.

Sunday -maybe the Fall Festival again. But also stuff to do around the house. Maybe work on the mosaic, clean the garage, get plastic up around my windows to try to help stem the influx of cold, winter air. I'm in the mood to do that kind of thing. Got to take advantage of those moods!!!

Happy Week-end!

Healing Nicely

I saw the wound care nurse today and she was pleased at how well the wound is healing! I now have a "peninsula" of good tissue, starting from the top and extending down to almost the bottom part of the wound. This peninsula kinda cuts the whole wound in half. The total area is about 8 cm by 2 to 2.5cm, but the edges are encroaching on both sides and then there's a 2x2cm peninsula right in the middle. Yay, oompa loompas!

This makes me realize the extent to which the cancer in the skin was keeping the original wound from healing. By the time I started radiation, I'd had the wound for about 2 1/2 months with no real improvement. Then, radiation kept the wound from healing. Then, there was the whole episode with the loss of the tissue expander and the open cavity (the Bat Cave). The wound pump came off on Aug 22. Now, about five weeks later, there is already much improvement. Maybe in another month or six weeks, I won't have to wear a dressing anymore.

How cool would that be?

I bumped into another survivor today and she is undergoing reconstruction. She mentioned that she just started the tattooing process (on the nipple area) and she reported just how different it was making her feel. She spent some time a few weeks ago wondering why she was undergoing this whole process - all the appointments taking time out of her day. Now, she knows. She says it's totally worth it.

Now, I'm more determined than ever to do all of that myself. Soon enough. Time to think about that later. For now, I'm happy just healing and regaining my strength and energy.

Please send some of that healing energy to my friend and fellow blogger, Teri, the Cheeky Librarian. She's doing what she calls the "scan dance" and may soon have a biopsy on her liver. Another fellow blogger, Liz Kreger, has just finished radiation for a tumor on her brain stem. She seems in good spirits. NYC Jeanne, at "Rock the Bald", will soon start radiation and I believe her hair is growing back post-chemo. She needs some healing energy, too.

Thank you to everyone who is helping me. I do appreciate it. I am buoyed by all of your support!

Finishing Up Three Glorious Days With No Medical Appointments

Today was the first week day in I-don't-know-how-long in which I didn't have any appointments and then it was the third week-day in a row in which I didn't have a medical appointment. I've been able to spend my whole work day at work these past few days and it feels great! I've been working on several different projects - some writing, getting the ball going on new projects and trying to tie up loose ends, too. I actually started to reorganize my piles yesterday and I put away books I no longer needed and today, I was able to file away my two-foot-high pile of paperwork.

How cool is that?

Tomorrow, I see the wound care nurse - the wound seems to be healing nicely. I am now able to wait three days between changing dressings - yay!

Can you tell I'm feeling well?

Torn Feelings about Fall

Yesterday was the first day of fall. When it first starts, I find myself dreading the cooler nights and days. Summer really is my favorite time of year, especially in the area where I live. It's rarely too hot and then when it does get hot, it tends to cool down at night. I like the free time that I associate with summer - a flexible schedule, the freedom to do what you want when you want. When school starts, it just gets so scheduled, both for me and my son. Fall also represents a prelude to winter to me, when it is chillier and there's not a lot of daylight.

But, today, my colleague mentioned that he enjoys this time of year and the reason was because of the energy that one feels on campus. The students are returning and they are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (we're on a trimester system here, which means we start about a month later than colleagues on a semester system) and our colleagues are coming in to their office to get started on a new academic year. I had to admit that he was right and I certainly feel that anticipation of something new.

My own energy seems to be mirroring the energy of campus: I find myself looking forward to work, trying to finish up old projects and starting to work on new ones. I find myself being really silly with Eddie in the mornings, talking in funny voices and chuckling a lot. Volleyball starts next week and our whole team is happy to start up again. I'm sleeping a lot better than I did last winter/spring. I am feeling a bit like my own self. My office manager, Karen, told me today that I look good and energetic. One of Scott's friends said that I seemed lighter when I saw him a couple of weeks ago than I did when I first met him about 18 months ago. I am just so glad to get back to work and have energy to begin thinking about new projects and to be able to have fun with my son. Just a few months ago, I was saying no to new projects - or being cautious about my ability to carry them off - because I just wasn't sure of my energy. I'm so relieved to know that it's back. It's nice to feel positive and happy.

It feels good. I feel good. Bodes well, doesn't it?

Happy fall everyone!